Dear dad,
Today is father’s day… I think I have never knowingly experienced this day with you ever. I was of course three years old since you have left and went to heaven. I remember that day so vividly…
But today I am writing you a letter and will put it in the mailbox I have found in one of the so many portals I have created. It most likely will work, I am confident about that that…
Ghost stamps and spirit envelops is all a man needs.
I was thinking long and hard…
I was thinking long and hard what to write you but I just decided to go with the flow. Why not right? It is summer anyway and since a while now I have created the habit of waking up early… Don’t know where that is coming from because I used to love sleeping in. Maybe it is the result of becoming a man instead of a boy and it was supposed to happen anyway.
Anyway… I was awake at 05:00 because the suns is started to rise and I like the morning light shining on my face. Got me some coffee (It was coffee from Yemen, and it is amazing!), put up some music and just ticked away at my keyboard and sometimes taking a bite out of some crackers that miraculously made it to my face.
So what will I write to you about…
I have no idea where to start dad! Oef there so many things… From that my life is literally one of the strangest stories ever, to that I am waiting for my first large format camera. About unanswered love. Or that I was worried that friends I have made all over the world are now dealing with war which fucking sucks but I am totally powerless to do anything about it. Oh and today I am fixing my motorbike! Finally! It has been standing still for more than a year… I love riding, but too much going on which is more important to give it the proper time and attention it needs. I will sell it when it is fixed.
I don’t know man…
Life is complicated by itself already and now I have to put things into words… I am curious how you would have handled situations like this yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t even think about stuff like in that way…
Maybe were wouldn’t even be that close if you were still alive.
That is a question I ask myself a lot. My life would have been totally different if you would be still here. Or not, we of course never know. But it is a plausible scenario.
Most likely I would have never met the people that I have met and I like to believe that there is a reason why I have met all of them. And the ones that stayed, I kinda like them. Especially one. Who knows… One day I’ll introduce you to her… And I would not want to have never met them. They are amazing.
So in a strange way. It all happened for a reason and that you are not here does not mean you are not here. And I had to meet all those people.
So what more do you write in a ghost letter?
I think about another question a lot and that is who am I when the healing is done?
Healing is not only a Amsterdam hipster term used by white girls who white-wash Yoga and culturally appropriate things from the Southern Americas.
No actual healing.
I have the answer though. And the answer is: Just Cris.
And that is enough.
I have found my the things that I stand for in life. My values and norms. And they calibrate bit by bit the more you learn as a man. Same as goals, hopes, and dreams.
But also that I never give up in what I strive for.
Work my butt off.
Admit when you are wrong. And put time and energy in the ones that you love.
So I guess what I am saying, Dad. It feels that I have finally become a man. With all it’s flaws and quirks. But can genuinely say that I am happy in who I have become and who I will change into. And my photography project is not made out of pain. But meant more in the way to give it a place. I am already whole. And most importantly:
I am happy.
And in a way I have to thank you for that.
Alright dad. Gotta go. My buddy is here with his wrenches. We need to go fix some motorbike stuff.
Happy father’s day!
~ Cristian
