08:00
… is the moment in time where I look outside the window, and ask the sun: Is it time for you to wake up as well?
Only sporadically he answers…
It is strange though. I sometimes feel like the sun, but the more I think about it. 2022 made me feel more and more like that big fuzzy ball in the sky. But only the sun in winter times. Just like now… Not knowing clearly if I am ready to show my face yet.
My balcony window is steamed up… A beam of light was coming through. The light deflects a bit and scatters all over my living room because of that…
It is beautiful.
There is a saying that the sun loves the moon so much, that he dies every night to let her breathe. It makes me think... Is the moon sometimes sad about that? Does she miss him? And does the sun sometimes get cold at night?
After breakfast and morning coffee I pack my gear and prepare to go out and shoot.
I felt lonely and depressed that day… Yet I go out. Back to work, back to the grind… The places I go, the people I meet. All seems connected, it makes me happy. At least outside of the city… Each moment I am done and I finish up my day and go back to the areas where normal life happens the loneliness returns… I see a lot of people. Afraid, and always in a rush… That what strikes me always more when I come back to the Netherlands from a trip sometimes close by… And sometimes far away…
It makes me think of “The Crunch“ by Bukowski…
“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.”
I may be thinking about Bukowski but it is conflicted by my own longing. I am more of a Johnny Cash person anyway, and his description of paradise.
Something was gnawing on me though… If you read about the photography masters, they sometimes mention that photography is a mirror. What is really inside is what comes out. And they way you view the world is a part of who you are.
I explicitly say part and not just who. Since so many things in life are so more nuanced then meets the eye. And a lot of humans are just not really one thing.
Maybe they were right. Maybe that is the reason why my photographs are always filled with melancholia. Maybe it comes from scars in my heart from they pain I carried inside for a long time... Or that I never had a “Merry“ Christmas. And the times they were Merry they were based on a lie. Maybe it is because of a society that wants me to be normal “because being normal is crazy enough” and I just want to be full of emotion and not being afraid to express myself. Or when I was a little boy my piggy bank was suddenly empty and a month later it was full again. Only to discover on a later age that was because otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to eat.
Maybe it is just me…
My day continues…
I have a coffee. I make my food…
My phone buzzes…
I could have swore it was from someone I deeply care about since everyone I regularly speak to have their own sound.
Nothing… No message at all…
I must have gone crazy…
The news is real and I read it… I scroll through social media… I see stories passing by about Iran and Yemen. An energy crisis. A kitty was also saved from a tree.
It makes me think that despite I travelled so much and learned so much. I actually know nothing. I will never know how it is to flee from your home country or how it makes you feel when there is a revolution is going on. But know that every time you tell me about it I will have a tear in my eye.
Out for groceries… Next to the super market Christmas trees are being sold. Yet it reminds me of a story of someone told me that she couldn’t take a bath because with current energy prices the costs are just too high. Do I get a tree for myself this year? My decision ends up in a “no“ and get a big ball of dough we eat at the end of the year, baked in oil, named a “oliebol”, instead.
I punish myself by working out a little bit longer…
I cycle home…
Go to bed, and when and I wake up the next morning all the autumn leaves in my head are making way for blankets of snow that cover my ever lasting thoughts and turn into a beautiful winter landscape…
Frozen… For now… Until the sun shines bright again and it is time to show what is underneath. My head could have been a snow globe.
It makes me think about love. What is love, actually? And why are we so afraid of it? I know what it is for me. Love is freedom. Love is support and letting each other grow. Love is not possessive. Whatever kind of love you are seeking for in life, love is about being whole again. I know that, and believe in that with my heart and soul. Maybe that is why it is so scary? To get what we really want in life…?
My breakfast consists of my favourite coffee and my favourite crackers. I take a bite, my phone buzzes. This time it was real…
The text made me smile.
Time to go… Time to head out… Time for the grind… To work on that photographic dream. To express myself.
It was a beautiful foggy day in the Netherlands and the fog fell over the landscape like a magical cloud with treasure hidden inside it.
It was a good day. Cold, but good.
When I got home I started writing as well… This piece…
It makes me think about that I want to write a poem… I grabbed my typewriter and set it up on my living room table… A paper is inserted in the machine… I love this paper… Grain and structure are present all over. It is perfectly imperfect… Just like me. Just like you…
I write down the words…
“i am the story of a human being
I am the wound of time
I am falling rain…”
I pause… Is it done…?
Yes…
It is done…
Happy new year and a amazing 2023…
And isn’t art beautiful?
~ Cristian
P.S. Thank you every one that made my year amazing again. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart. You know who you are. You are the ones I feel safe with. My friends and my dearest. <3
Thank you Anna-Patricia for finding me. It is beautiful to have an amazing and super sweet gallery director in your life.
Thank you Fotovakhuis for supporting me and being my second home.
And thank you everyone that always follows my adventures. 2022 was amazing. But I promise you… There are plenty of more adventures to come. And I will hopefully will finish the project I am working on soon. Good things just take time… Just keep checking in on me… And I will do the same with you.
With all my love…
Thank you…
