If 2021 was a secret agent... It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Christmas Eve…

It is Friday night and three seconds just have passed since I took the first sip of a disgusting alcohol free beer… Why in gods name did I choose this period to go alcohol free for a while… My god, it is horrible! A good beer is priceless, and it is actually one of the things that genuinely makes me happy. Fresh developer, fresh film, and a fresh New England IPA.

Well, of course there are plenty of other things. But that would just make a really long list and creates less of an entertaining story.

Whenever a setback happens I just take my time to feel like shit for a brief moment. And as soon as that has passed and I have dusted myself off, I double down on reinventing myself. One of the perks you get I guess from having a shitty childhood. So as soon as the Netherlands was thrown into another lockdown in the blink of an eye, it was a good moment to dust myself off and make sure I would turn it into something positive.

So that means becoming better at my craft which is photography, and a workout every day. Despite I am already fit, that stupid rona is not going to get me. But the reality is: It is either abs or IPA’s. You can’t have both. And ever since I stopped competing in Olympic Weightlifting those IPA’s tasted a little bit too well…

Channeling…

Slowly taking another sip, and when I put my glass down it seemed like the perfect moment to reminisce about 2021. And one of my other goals is to channel my emotions better into art without any distractions. Reminiscing is a good catalyst to do that. And hopefully the more time progresses I will become better at it. The main goal of art is not imitating your heroes, but unapologetic personal expression.

An LP of Marie Laforêt is playing in the background and I hope I can finish the sentence before I have to turn the record to the other side. I succeeded…

Since I have had an outlet I always summed up my year and what happened to me. That too seems like a fruitful exercise. To reflect… To see what can be done better. Or what I did well… Did I follow my heart and was I true to myself?

So far so good…

2021, my most successful year so far… And also a super sad one…

The biggest mark 2021 has left on me is not the success I have had this year as a photographer. It was the loss of my little nephew whos life was lost during a car accident in October. Cremating the little fella just two days before my birthday was the most surreal thing ever. It is a scar that will be hard to heal. And for my sister, his dad, his bonus dad, and my niece every day feels like drowning while the rest of the world is breathing.

It also made me indefinitely pause the project about my dad for a while. They say projects are never finished, but just abandoned. And that is completely true… I just couldn’t anymore. Not now.

The project did bring me a lot though. It made me better… It made me learn. And even better… It gave me eleven freaking exhibits which three of them were festivals… And one of the locations was in a castle! And also a book! Which is crazy! If you would have told me that at the end of 2020 I would have never believed it.

Bluebird, if you are reading this… I could not have done this without you.

Yes I am talking to you. There is only one person in the world that I call bluebird.

You have no idea how special you are to me. I will keep saying that till the end of time and until you feel it, not just hear it.

And when I start slacking, I hear your voice with your unique accent in the back of my head like you said in one of your voice messages saying: “But you are not a lazy photographer…“ And that is the moment I continue my grind.

Plus, no one in my entire life has ever told me they are proud of me. But you did…

It is a beautiful realization how important it is to have the have the support of people you care about. In the past I always did things just by myself. Didn’t have people I could spar or reflect with. Or just vent… And most of the time I was just not understood. When I was still a weightlifter I had my coach. He maybe didn’t always understand me, but he always made a effort and did his best. And that goes for the two people who are prominently right now always supporting me without them even maybe knowing how big their impact is. Bluebird, and mister “rare dingen“.

Goals are never easy. Especially if you have big ones… I know I have to work my ass off. So yes, sometimes it feels like grinding. Taking photographs is not easy. And no one will ever come knocking on your door and say: “Hey do you want to be in my gallery?“ I approach things the same as I did with my sport. Just work and work. And eventually you get there. Just never give up. Even if you know you still have a long way to go and a lot of growing to do.

I did start two new projects though. One of them will be made as a visual poem. And the other one will be about masculinity done in a way that is not that typical. I want to break through social boundaries with that. More on that in 2022.

So if 2021 was a secret agent… It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Charade has become one of my favourite movies. And whenever I felt down I started watching it. Behind those muscles and that beard lies a hopeless romantic which still believes in fairy tales and magic and literally daydreams all day.

Cary Grant plays a character named Peter Joshua. Not the main character though! That is the lovely Audrey Hepburn… He is working on a case about stolen money and experienced a copious amount of setbacks. In example he got sliced by a man with a hook on his hand, shot at, did weird dance moves with a piece of fruit and the bosom of a big lady…

Even when the woman he fell in love with dropped ice cream on his suit he still managed to make everything right.

2021 felt a bit like that… It has had ice cream on it’s suit, but it still made it right. Freaking lockdowns or not I still went to Egypt. Had exhibits. Made new friends. And had fun!

Didn’t count how much rolls of film I shot this year, but it was a lot. Also made plenty of prints, so that made me happy as well.

So what will 2022 bring…

I have totally no idea… And neither do all of you… I can name some of my goals though. And one of those is to get gallery representation with a gallery that is a good match. With an emphasis on a good match.

Improve myself as a human being and a photographer.

Paris Photo.

Being a better printer.

I want to go to Iran to see my friends and travel to Kurdistan as well. And see what other place I can go too.

Write more poetry.

And attend one of those freaking opening drinks! Can I just for once go to one of my own opening drinks!!!??? It is not about the drinks itself. But every success how little or big should be celebrated. And I am tired of celebrating on my own. It is just not the same… And it is lonely…

When time progresses the list of course will change up a bit. And despite it is a short list here, no worries. My list is in reality waaaay longer.

As long as it is magical it is all good…

Another thing that I want to explore is the idea what happens to a person’s identity when the scars or pain is gone… Eventually you have to be on your own again because life will come and get you. So what happens to your identity? Who are you when you can’t rely on it anymore and use it as a crutch? Who is your true self?

It is a subject matter that made me curious.

And upside down end…

These closing words were written in the evening of December 30th… Marie Laforêt has turned into Glenn Gould playing his version of The Well-Tempered Clavier. Book 1: Prelude No. 22 in B-Flat Minor… It indeed takes that long to write something. To me it is important that every word is well thought out. I want them to have weight and meaning…

Slowly getting sleepy because from at one point in my life being a night owl, I have become an early riser. I will see and fall in love with the earth before the sun does…

Hopefully the moon will not be upset… No worries moon, it is a different kind of love… Not a lovers love. Another reason is also to make sure these words will be ready to read for you on the 31st…

So that leaves me to this.

I want to say thanks to anyone that either follows me and my adventures. Supports me in either my personal life or outside. And everyone that has ever crossed my path. It may have crossed for just a short time, or maybe even for a long while. But I have become a better man by meeting you. One way, or the other…

So happy New Year to you all…

Make it magical… And chase those dreams whatever they are…

I know I will…

~ Cristian

Some random photographs that were taken through the year…

Opening Reception Mono - Kromatik Praxis Arts Center.

Besides father’s day last weekend was also the opening of the group exhibition Mono - Kromatik at the Praxis Gallery and Photo Arts Center in Minneapolis Minnesota, US which I am part of with my photograph: “There was a moment when you asked me…”.

The exhibition is from June 19th until July 3rd 2021 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. In the United States.

So if you are from that area have a look around. :)

Monochrome exhibit at the Blank Wall Gallery.

Hi all!

Happy to announce that my photograph What-Is-Love is participating in the monochrome exhibition with the Greek home for contemporary photography, Blank Wall gallery based in Athens. It can be seen till June 2021.

Covid is still doing stupid stuff in Europe so unfortunately the exhibit had to slide into the virtual world the still make it possible.

But still very proud of it and happy to share it with you all.

You can find the virtual exhibit here and is hosted on Kunst Matrix.

The exhibition catalogue can be found here.

And the main page of the gallery here.

Have some other cool exciting news next month, so stay tuned for that.

Hope you all are doing well, and stay safe!

~ Cristian

Waní-wí-ipȟá - A reflection of 2020...

Waní-wí-ipȟá

It’s December 21st. Brushed my teeth… Covered myself with my super warm winter blanket. And the last words I see passing by before I fall asleep are “Waní-wí-ipȟá“.

It’s Lakota and literally means winter solstice. Also a sacred date and an opportunity to share and remember stories from the year past.

If only I could meet the Lakota one day…

But for now they are right. It is a sacred date and it is an opportunity to remember stories of years past…

So why not shall I…

The darkest day…

It is the darkest day… Not only for the earth the sun and the moon, but also for me. And to be honest I’ve been struggling lately.

So the darkest day also felt like one of the darkest days that I have had in a long time myself.

Not every day I am able to be Super Cris. Some days I am just not that Super… It is fine. Luckily one of Super Cris’ powers is daring to be vulnerable so all of it is okay.

The details why are just for me and maybe some of my friends. But also the new lockdown didn’t help either. I guess that part counts for everyone and hit me a bit harder than expected.

But luckily the more the day progressed I felt better and better.

And as Seneca wrote: “There are more things, Lucilius, that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.“

Waní-wí-ipȟá did make me think about stories from last year. And when you are down or sad it’s easy to forget about the good things that have happened. Since negativity can be like a whirlpool of emotions that will drag you more to the center of sadness… But good things did happen, and actually a lot...

And by the time I am done with writing this it is right before New Year’s eve. So it is a good moment to reflect anyway…

Appreciation

So what are some of the good things that happened? Or some of the stories? Well if I want to tell all of them I need ten more blog posts because I just like to tell long long long stories. But for now, I will try to keep it short. And maybe a bit sweet, I don’t know. I’m still writing so who knows how it ends.

But one of the things that stood out was the appreciation I gained for a friend of mine. I’ve never seen someone putting so much effort in fixing a friendship. And that stuff is rare...

So I’m super grateful to her for that.

You will get your horse soon.

Writing as an exercise for the soul

Writing in general is a good exercise to reflect. And if you are a regular follower of my blog, my stories are more about me, my thoughts, philosophies, or other pickings of the brain. That in the end is what makes art. Not the chosen f-stop on your camera.

So what more things have to be grateful of and what more stories do I have? And how can I reflect?

Well my wet printing skills have improved.

My project about my father is still going strong but it is hard. Not emotionally surprisingly... But more in the way that I’m trying to create something that doesn’t exist yet. And that is a super hard puzzle to solve.

I was gifted a printer for quick prints so I can edit easier.

My Hasselblad. I’m still so in love with it…

Some family members I’ve been come a bit closer with. Like my niece and one of my sisters.

Of course my friends. Peace homies!

I’ve learned a lot about myself when I was a host for a week to help out another friend. And it made me realize I have still some things to work on. Loved every second of it so no worries. Afterwards my house was way way to quiet.

And that I still need to fix my motorbike but somehow I don’t feel like a lazy bum for not doing it.

Also I recovered more stuff from my dad than I expected.

Talking about the project about my dad…

So this part is for the people that are genuinely interested in my progress with this project.

Well the good news is: There is progress.

The bad news is: I still have a freaking long way to go…

I you have ever been or are a musician you maybe know what I am talking about. Sometimes the licks and riffs flow from your mind and sometimes it feels like fighting an endless battle.

It is the same with photography. You start your project, and you have ideas, and one idea brings you to another idea. And it flows and it flows. And sometimes ideas will lead you to a dead end so you will have to explore some new ideas.

This is, in my humble opinion, the biggest reason why you shouldn’t share your work before it is done.

Maybe not a good fit for this instant gratification society. But it is what it is… Because the end product will have changed so much by the time that when it is done and will most likely be so different that it doesn’t look like what was shared or not. And most important. No more surprise effect…

Also an edit of your project can make it or break it. And a photograph does not have to mean anything by itself, or even can be boring. But when you put it into a sequence or in context it suddenly has meaning.

To put it even put the previous sentence into context. A “making-of” of an album from a band or from a movie is also shown when the movie is out. Not during the creation.

So there is a lot to digest. I have been sharing some little pieces of work with only two People that I completely trust. That is my dear friend Eelco which is an amazing art director, and Thana (She has a new book out. Go and check it out here besides that it is an amazing book you will learn a thing or two).

I think it is super important to be picky in who you trust because someone needs to be able to give honest feedback but at the same time also needs to be fully and totally aware in what your end goal is.

The risk of getting your feedback from i.e. a social media group or even during a workshop is that the people from that group or workshop teacher maybe not know your personality or what your end goal is. And how good of an artists they maybe are, they might not give you the right feedback. And therefore might not be a good match.

Therefore, trust is important.

If it is generic picture taking. Why not… Just do whatever you want.

I guess that is also the reason why you need to answer your own “why“.

I answered mine. And this is what came out…

Also stay curious and keep making an effort. Otherwise your project like any other relationship, either one from love or friendship, will die out.

Keeping on… Rollin on…

While summing up this year I also though about how much I shot and how it differed form when I was shooting digital.

So I shot about 170+ rolls of film this year. That doesn’t seem like much but it actually is when you cannot travel. And if it was digital I would have shot way way way more.

Went through copious amount of Rodinal.

Some Ilfotec-HC.

Plenty of Foma paper.

I’ve cried.

Was gifted 52 rolls of film (Thank you Stephen of Kosmo Foto for that.)

Added about 10 photography books to my collection.

Upgraded my darkroom with a beautiful Durst M605 and some amazing Rodagon and Nikon lenses.

Discovered coffee from Yemen and now I am hooked!

Found and bought some beautiful LP’s from the likes of Edith Piaf and Ella Fitzgerald.

And I was gifted a Koala! Not a real one, but it love it anyway.

I laughed a lot.

Fell a lot less asleep on the couch.

But two day before I have published this blog post I did fall through the basement floor while doing squats…

I am fine btw. Knees were a bit hurt but the more day progressed I felt better and better.

Had more and more articles published and some exhibitions.

Some nice print sales.

Jeej!

Alright one more…

One more story or reflection…

Well… Something like that…

I wrote down all of my fears, sadness, and unresolved emotions on a piece of paper and set fire to it.

It sounds cheesy but it helps.

It’s time to move on and it’s time to put some things to rest. I know I’m ready for the next big step in my life whatever that is. But that only will be achieved if I acknowledge but let go of the past.

A year without adventure…

Maybe 2020 was not filled with beautiful travel stories and amazing suqs filled with smells of herbs and spices or oudh. Or indigenous beautiful humans in a certain part of the world who stuff me with food while they are telling me stories and hugging me.

I miss them all.

Every genuine beautiful single soul…

Luckily I have got Merry Christmas messages from all over the world.

But what 2020 did was, was a year filled with reflection, change, preparation, and release.

And also some anxiety and beer.

Onwards 2021…

I want to conclude 2020 by giving a big thank you to everyone that I love. You have no idea how much you mean to mean to me. You really don’t… I cannot seem to put it into words, but sometimes I do try.

A big thank you also to everyone who has given me a chance this year. I am still growing and evolving as a photographer, and I promise I will not waste any of my upcoming chances.

December 31st, 2020…

By the time this story ends it is December 31st, 2020…

Sipping on my morning coffee…

I got the special one today…

Ready to press publish.

2020 is almost over… Only a short while left…

Days from now on will be getting longer again.

Earth will be eased up a bit in the eternal dance between the sun and the moon.

Onwards to 2021.

You will see more of my work soon…

~ Cristian

P.S. I am totally fine. No worries. :)

Dear future Cris... A birthday letter... To me...

Dear future Cris…

By the time you will read this probably another 38 years have passed. Or maybe even another 380... Who knows... Times are strange at this current moment when I am writing this to you...

Or even more. One of the strangest birthdays ever…

There is a thing going on named Covid-19. You really hated that period remember..

I am writing you this letter for a couple of reasons… And in the meantime you are listening to some Fleetwood Mac. If you have forgot about them. It is an amazing band… Go put it on.

One of reasons is: Stop doubting yourself…

I know life can be tough sometimes and you have been through a lot but you are a wonderful man. Sometimes someone even calls you super Cris. And that is all you have ever wished for…

I know that doubt is strange and new to you because you have always followed your heart. And you just did things. This will be also your guide for the rest of your upcoming years too. That is your superpower. And your heart is humongous.

So keep it beating proudly.

And although not everyone will understand you. You understood me, and I understand you. So it will be fine. You will be fine…

You are the master of my faith. I am the master of your Soul…

Your father loves you…

At the moment you are writing this letter you have started a project about your father and you are now a couple of months in. At some points that was very confronting but you are mentally just as strong as physically. You are doing a wonderful job and hopefully it will be the gateway to wonderful new opportunities. I am sure when you read this back years in the future you will say it was the perfect way of honoring your father and your grandfathers…

Dare to cry again…

You know this Cris! It is one of your life lessons that you always share with others. That strength lies in daring to be vulnerable.

But sometimes you forget…

There will always be people that leave without saying goodbye…

And you will say; I don’t cry!

I am a grownup now…

But you know this. Whatever challenges lie ahead of you. Or whatever friendship, loved ones, or relationships you will gain or lose. It is part of life…

There is no reason to only let that bluebird in your heart out at night and let it sing when nobody sees it. Let that bird sing like it has never sang before. And it deserves to have an audiance.

Nothing is under control except for your own thoughts…

You are 76 around now and hopefully having your morning coffee with the love of your life.

And if that is your soulmate or that Hasselblad you just gave yourself as a birthday present that doesn’t matter.

Don’t be so hard on yourself…

Marcus Aurelius already wrote about this in meditations. You are nothing more than your own thoughts… And you think that the only way to achieve your dreams is to be your own hardest critic. But there are more ways to do this and you will get there…

Probably you are already there…

And if not…

Just never give up…

Ain’t nothing to it but to do it…

And even more so… What is life, if you don’t dream anymore?

Catch that train of opportunities and sail instead of row…

Speaking about dreams…

I hope you found more insights about those nighttime dreams of yours…

If you ever did find out please let me know!

I want to know why I have Dragon Ball Z hands…

Photograph like you are writing a song or a poem…

Some say that when you get older that you are not as passionate anymore… But knowing you that will never disappear. You have been daydreaming since you were a little kid and creating you own world in your thoughts… So why quit now?

Also one of the insights you had during 2020 was to make your photographs more like a song and a poem in one.

An old man can dance in the living room too. Or listen to Satie or Slayer.

Duane Michals, Trent Parke, Khalil Gibran, or one of your Sufi poets like Rumi…

Hafez…

Jacques Brel and Edith Piaf…

It will be a wonderful, wonderful mess…

A complicated mess.

But it is your mess so it is beautiful…

Time is running out…

Not only in life but also for this letter. But you have learned this lesson at a young age. So you live your life accordingly.

You only have a minute…

With only sixty seconds in it.

Forced upon me, can’t refuse it.

Didn’t seek it, didn’t choose it.

But it’s up to me to use it.

I must suffer if I lose it.

Give account if I abuse it.

Just a tiny little minute,

but eternity is in it…

That is not yours by the way in case you have gotten senile. It is written by: Dr. Benjamin E. Mays.

So…

So happy birthday my main man…

I hope you will have a wonderful day.

And even many many many years from now you will have even a richer heart.

And also a nicer beard…

Happy Birthday Future Cris…

It will all be fine.

And remember… Love yourself a little bit more. Do your squats. Drink your beers and take your photographs.

Cheers buddy!

From your friend in the present and future and everything in between.

Even in another dimension in time and space…

Kind regards,

Cristian Geelen

P.S. If you like my work and my stories but the regular ways to support me like buying my photographs are not a option for you at this moment. You can always support me through a donation with the donation button.

Donate and support Cris' projects

Support me on Ko-fi...

Hey everyone,

Not a super long update this time. I am melting away because of the heat wave we are currently experiencing in the Netherlands.

In the meantime what I did manage to do between plenty of shooting was to create a Ko-fi page.

A Ko-fi page a place where you can donate some money to buy a cup of coffee. Or in my case, rolls of film.

You can find the page over here…

I did this because I know there are some people that would love to support me, but don’t have the budget to buy a print. Which I can totally understand.

That is it for now. Back to my ice-cream…

~ Cristian