Ilford
Goodbye 2022...
08:00
… is the moment in time where I look outside the window, and ask the sun: Is it time for you to wake up as well?
Only sporadically he answers…
It is strange though. I sometimes feel like the sun, but the more I think about it. 2022 made me feel more and more like that big fuzzy ball in the sky. But only the sun in winter times. Just like now… Not knowing clearly if I am ready to show my face yet.
My balcony window is steamed up… A beam of light was coming through. The light deflects a bit and scatters all over my living room because of that…
It is beautiful.
There is a saying that the sun loves the moon so much, that he dies every night to let her breathe. It makes me think... Is the moon sometimes sad about that? Does she miss him? And does the sun sometimes get cold at night?
After breakfast and morning coffee I pack my gear and prepare to go out and shoot.
I felt lonely and depressed that day… Yet I go out. Back to work, back to the grind… The places I go, the people I meet. All seems connected, it makes me happy. At least outside of the city… Each moment I am done and I finish up my day and go back to the areas where normal life happens the loneliness returns… I see a lot of people. Afraid, and always in a rush… That what strikes me always more when I come back to the Netherlands from a trip sometimes close by… And sometimes far away…
It makes me think of “The Crunch“ by Bukowski…
“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.”
I may be thinking about Bukowski but it is conflicted by my own longing. I am more of a Johnny Cash person anyway, and his description of paradise.
Something was gnawing on me though… If you read about the photography masters, they sometimes mention that photography is a mirror. What is really inside is what comes out. And they way you view the world is a part of who you are.
I explicitly say part and not just who. Since so many things in life are so more nuanced then meets the eye. And a lot of humans are just not really one thing.
Maybe they were right. Maybe that is the reason why my photographs are always filled with melancholia. Maybe it comes from scars in my heart from they pain I carried inside for a long time... Or that I never had a “Merry“ Christmas. And the times they were Merry they were based on a lie. Maybe it is because of a society that wants me to be normal “because being normal is crazy enough” and I just want to be full of emotion and not being afraid to express myself. Or when I was a little boy my piggy bank was suddenly empty and a month later it was full again. Only to discover on a later age that was because otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to eat.
Maybe it is just me…
My day continues…
I have a coffee. I make my food…
My phone buzzes…
I could have swore it was from someone I deeply care about since everyone I regularly speak to have their own sound.
Nothing… No message at all…
I must have gone crazy…
The news is real and I read it… I scroll through social media… I see stories passing by about Iran and Yemen. An energy crisis. A kitty was also saved from a tree.
It makes me think that despite I travelled so much and learned so much. I actually know nothing. I will never know how it is to flee from your home country or how it makes you feel when there is a revolution is going on. But know that every time you tell me about it I will have a tear in my eye.
Out for groceries… Next to the super market Christmas trees are being sold. Yet it reminds me of a story of someone told me that she couldn’t take a bath because with current energy prices the costs are just too high. Do I get a tree for myself this year? My decision ends up in a “no“ and get a big ball of dough we eat at the end of the year, baked in oil, named a “oliebol”, instead.
I punish myself by working out a little bit longer…
I cycle home…
Go to bed, and when and I wake up the next morning all the autumn leaves in my head are making way for blankets of snow that cover my ever lasting thoughts and turn into a beautiful winter landscape…
Frozen… For now… Until the sun shines bright again and it is time to show what is underneath. My head could have been a snow globe.
It makes me think about love. What is love, actually? And why are we so afraid of it? I know what it is for me. Love is freedom. Love is support and letting each other grow. Love is not possessive. Whatever kind of love you are seeking for in life, love is about being whole again. I know that, and believe in that with my heart and soul. Maybe that is why it is so scary? To get what we really want in life…?
My breakfast consists of my favourite coffee and my favourite crackers. I take a bite, my phone buzzes. This time it was real…
The text made me smile.
Time to go… Time to head out… Time for the grind… To work on that photographic dream. To express myself.
It was a beautiful foggy day in the Netherlands and the fog fell over the landscape like a magical cloud with treasure hidden inside it.
It was a good day. Cold, but good.
When I got home I started writing as well… This piece…
It makes me think about that I want to write a poem… I grabbed my typewriter and set it up on my living room table… A paper is inserted in the machine… I love this paper… Grain and structure are present all over. It is perfectly imperfect… Just like me. Just like you…
I write down the words…
“i am the story of a human being
I am the wound of time
I am falling rain…”
I pause… Is it done…?
Yes…
It is done…
Happy new year and a amazing 2023…
And isn’t art beautiful?
~ Cristian
P.S. Thank you every one that made my year amazing again. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart. You know who you are. You are the ones I feel safe with. My friends and my dearest. <3
Thank you Anna-Patricia for finding me. It is beautiful to have an amazing and super sweet gallery director in your life.
Thank you Fotovakhuis for supporting me and being my second home.
And thank you everyone that always follows my adventures. 2022 was amazing. But I promise you… There are plenty of more adventures to come. And I will hopefully will finish the project I am working on soon. Good things just take time… Just keep checking in on me… And I will do the same with you.
With all my love…
Thank you…
Me working snapped by other Chris.
Signing session at the ºCLAIRbyKahn booth at Paris Photo 2022.
Expired Agfa Record Rapid paper from somewhere late 80’s begin 90’s. I started with a proof of concept a month a go and wanted to make everything perfect before I started printing for real. It is the only box I had and this paper is not being made anymore. Expired paper is not only difficult to work with both also there are tonal shifts that can be aesthetically pleasing. I wanted to finish this idea this year. It may not be a conventional way of silver gelatin printing, but projects like this help make me become a better printer in general and it also helps me thing outside of the box.
Size 72cm x 53,4 cm. Edition of 1.
Happy New Year from my little place of magic…
In a parallel universe... - A mini photo essay of a journey in Morocco while I should have been in Iraq.
In a parallel universe…
I wouldn’t be talking to the sea in Casablanca
I love talking to the sea
Maybe it is because the sea is connected to the heart of the moon
And everytime we speak
she lets me hear her thunder and her storms
the embrace of her waves
sometimes with delicacy
and sometimes with all her passion
and all of her rumbles
But when she is sad
I always tell her
That someone gifted me once a box full of darkness
but in the end that darkness will make you shine bright
brighter than a dance
under a thousand stars
I love talking to the sea so much…
And I would trade every
single
day
to say to her…
that my favourite season is autumn as well
despite
I sometimes
feel like a fading burning sun
In a parallel universe…
I wouldn’t be walking in tiny streets
With walls that stretch far into the sky
like concrete trees
and magic doors
Magic doors
so special
that if you walk through them
you will end up
End up in a place
Where your heart gets hugged
and where a song starts playing
for only those who listen with their soul
can hear
In a parallel universe…
You would not have set me down on that stool…
asking me to tell me about my day
and just to make sure
I was perfectly fine
I would have left if it wasn't for you
you know…
one of your poems was about rain
Maybe that's why I stayed
I would have left if it wasn't for you
you know…
I am sure
it was because
I recognized your rain as well…
because it looked so much like my own
And told you
self-love should be the very first romance…
In a parallel universe…
I wouldn’t have had a dream about a proud old man and a horse
Out of nothing
I heard a voice which sounded like thunder
it was a dark horse
and his name that sat on him
was life
I rode with him
until his legs were tired
but was ready to rest with a giant smile
you will be fine, my friend
he said
despite sometimes
it just takes a while…
Story behind the mini photo essay…
The initial plan for end of spring was to visit my friend in Iran. But because they had their own plans to travel, I opted to go and visit my friends in Iraq. And while I was there also create a photo essay as well. Specifically the autonomous region of Kurdistan.
When I was ready to board the plane and waiting in front of the gate with a bag full of film, and presents. There was just simply no airplane to take me to Iraq.
The solution of the airline was to stuff me into a hotel in Istanbul to wait for the next available flight. But the airport personnel here figured out that all of the upcoming flights where grossly overbooked as well, so that would be being stuck in Istanbul for way too long. And while Istanbul is an amazing city, it still would have meant I would lose valuable time in Iraq itself. And you don’t go to Iraq for a lightning quick visit if you have the chance. You want to enjoy the country to it’s fullest.
So I opted to get my money back. And as soon as I got my money back I checked for the other airline that would fly to Erbil. But that website was down…
Eventually I picked Morocco instead and gave myself a a forced holiday which I haven’t had in years! I mean I travel regularly and it is always fun. But it is always with a purpose. I am just very bad at sitting on my ass…
People who know me personally can vouch for that.
The only flight that was available which fitted in my schedule was one to Casablanca. The idea was when I got to Casablanca to take a bus to Essaouira and just chill…
But fate decided to rock my world again and gave me food poisoning right before a six hour bus ride… And if you have ever had food poisoning in your life, you would know that the only place where you feel safe is the shower… A bus is the last place where you want to be… Especially for six hours…
Of all the chances a nurse came sitting next to me, and the wonderful conversations I had with her made me feel good enough to arrive in a proper manner. Thank you Imane. :)
Eventually…
Eventually in Essaouira I couldn’t resist to do nothing at all despite I needed more than a couple of days to recover fully. But in the end I just love photography so much… It is my way to make sense of things… So I did what I could with the severe limited amount of time I had.
The other bonus was that I met some amazing people over there. People that really touched my heart in ways that I couldn’t imagine.
But that is the downside of travel…
The biggest upside of traveling is like reading a thousand books… But saying goodbye always feels like breaking your heart.
For the tech geeks…
I shot a combination of film and digital. I just grabbed the camera I was in the mood for and didn’t want to think about things too much. Also it is no secret that I use everything that a Carl Zeiss can be attached to. In the end it doesn’t matter though. A good photo is a good photo… And they still need to be printed. So from some I will create negatives and create silver gelatin prints anyway.
Photography is all about the printing…
There were of course more images taken. But those will be shared on a later moment.
Ending words…
In the future I will go back to Morocco again. And when fate allows me I will still have to plan to go to Iraq. Can’t wait to see my friends.
All will be fine in the end… And if it isn’t fine… It isn’t the end…
Thank you Halima Haloumi Goldfish, Marcus, Imane, Jakob, Marwane, Pierre, David. And all the others amazing human beings I ran into in that short of a time. Without all of you beautiful souls I definitely wouldn’t have had such a wonderful time.. You will forever be in my heart.
That is a promise…
~ Cristian
My eyes were sore from staring too much into the sun
My eyes were sore from staring too much into the sun
I rubbed them with the hope it would get better
It did something though...
08:00 AM
Listening to some records to wake up in the most relaxing way
My hand grabbed yours
We danced a slow dance in the living room
To one of your favourite songs
I never told you it was one of mine as well...
Your head on my shoulder
as we turned I placed a kiss in your neck
A couple of steps left before the end of the song
my eyes slowly started to feel better
08:05...
Back among the trees
I will always remember us
Your dance was like a stroke of life
I just wish I would find you here
Seen by CLAIRbyKahn
Hey everyone,
Sometimes in your life something amazing happens. And let this be one of those amazing things...
I can happily announce that I have become part of Seen by Kahn by CLAIRbyKahn.
If you know the CLAIRbyKahn gallery you know how excited I got when I received an e-mail one morning from the director while I was just finishing up one of my morning workouts. I just had to do a little dance in the living room and texted my closest friends immediately.
When I first started out with photography I was daydreaming about the photographs of Eikoh Hosoe, Lartigue, and Klavdij Sluban. And all of a sudden someone who actually works with them contacts you. Not only that: That also understands the magic of printing!
Thank you so much for finding me Anna-Patricia, and wanting to guide and coach me. You have no idea how happy I am about this. :)
And thank you Eelco en Thana and Chris for always being there for me and putting up with me when I am bitching and moaning that feel nothing is working out at all. You the best. Dennis as well of course.
People who give you a chance or are just there for you are a gem and they should be cherished.
I will have a celebration beer this weekend. :)
Lith printing.
If you have been following my stories a bit you've seen that I've been experimenting with alternative processes instead of my regular process. The reason is just to have a bigger pallet of skills in my regular practice. It's something I've learned from being an athlete. Broaden hour horizon, and you will have more insights in your main thing. :)
So in this case I've been figuring out the process called Lith printing. If you are a fan of i.e. Anton Corbijn there was a phase that his printer used the lith technique as well.
As you can see there is a heavy color to mine and to his are none. But that depends on so many variables as well as paper used. And the paper I used here was fomatone since it is easily available and liths very well. There are not many papers available nowadays that lith very well, so it seemed like a logical choice.
Anyways to make a long story short. Printing is amazing and I just wanted to share an experiment. :)
Thanks @hetfotovakhuishaarlem for the scan and @contrastique for helping out with the negative. And @captain.forkbeerd for being a the bearded day dreamer.
If 2021 was a secret agent... It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.
Christmas Eve…
It is Friday night and three seconds just have passed since I took the first sip of a disgusting alcohol free beer… Why in gods name did I choose this period to go alcohol free for a while… My god, it is horrible! A good beer is priceless, and it is actually one of the things that genuinely makes me happy. Fresh developer, fresh film, and a fresh New England IPA.
Well, of course there are plenty of other things. But that would just make a really long list and creates less of an entertaining story.
Whenever a setback happens I just take my time to feel like shit for a brief moment. And as soon as that has passed and I have dusted myself off, I double down on reinventing myself. One of the perks you get I guess from having a shitty childhood. So as soon as the Netherlands was thrown into another lockdown in the blink of an eye, it was a good moment to dust myself off and make sure I would turn it into something positive.
So that means becoming better at my craft which is photography, and a workout every day. Despite I am already fit, that stupid rona is not going to get me. But the reality is: It is either abs or IPA’s. You can’t have both. And ever since I stopped competing in Olympic Weightlifting those IPA’s tasted a little bit too well…
Channeling…
Slowly taking another sip, and when I put my glass down it seemed like the perfect moment to reminisce about 2021. And one of my other goals is to channel my emotions better into art without any distractions. Reminiscing is a good catalyst to do that. And hopefully the more time progresses I will become better at it. The main goal of art is not imitating your heroes, but unapologetic personal expression.
An LP of Marie Laforêt is playing in the background and I hope I can finish the sentence before I have to turn the record to the other side. I succeeded…
Since I have had an outlet I always summed up my year and what happened to me. That too seems like a fruitful exercise. To reflect… To see what can be done better. Or what I did well… Did I follow my heart and was I true to myself?
So far so good…
2021, my most successful year so far… And also a super sad one…
The biggest mark 2021 has left on me is not the success I have had this year as a photographer. It was the loss of my little nephew whos life was lost during a car accident in October. Cremating the little fella just two days before my birthday was the most surreal thing ever. It is a scar that will be hard to heal. And for my sister, his dad, his bonus dad, and my niece every day feels like drowning while the rest of the world is breathing.
It also made me indefinitely pause the project about my dad for a while. They say projects are never finished, but just abandoned. And that is completely true… I just couldn’t anymore. Not now.
The project did bring me a lot though. It made me better… It made me learn. And even better… It gave me eleven freaking exhibits which three of them were festivals… And one of the locations was in a castle! And also a book! Which is crazy! If you would have told me that at the end of 2020 I would have never believed it.
Bluebird, if you are reading this… I could not have done this without you.
Yes I am talking to you. There is only one person in the world that I call bluebird.
You have no idea how special you are to me. I will keep saying that till the end of time and until you feel it, not just hear it.
And when I start slacking, I hear your voice with your unique accent in the back of my head like you said in one of your voice messages saying: “But you are not a lazy photographer…“ And that is the moment I continue my grind.
Plus, no one in my entire life has ever told me they are proud of me. But you did…
It is a beautiful realization how important it is to have the have the support of people you care about. In the past I always did things just by myself. Didn’t have people I could spar or reflect with. Or just vent… And most of the time I was just not understood. When I was still a weightlifter I had my coach. He maybe didn’t always understand me, but he always made a effort and did his best. And that goes for the two people who are prominently right now always supporting me without them even maybe knowing how big their impact is. Bluebird, and mister “rare dingen“.
Goals are never easy. Especially if you have big ones… I know I have to work my ass off. So yes, sometimes it feels like grinding. Taking photographs is not easy. And no one will ever come knocking on your door and say: “Hey do you want to be in my gallery?“ I approach things the same as I did with my sport. Just work and work. And eventually you get there. Just never give up. Even if you know you still have a long way to go and a lot of growing to do.
I did start two new projects though. One of them will be made as a visual poem. And the other one will be about masculinity done in a way that is not that typical. I want to break through social boundaries with that. More on that in 2022.
So if 2021 was a secret agent… It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.
Charade has become one of my favourite movies. And whenever I felt down I started watching it. Behind those muscles and that beard lies a hopeless romantic which still believes in fairy tales and magic and literally daydreams all day.
Cary Grant plays a character named Peter Joshua. Not the main character though! That is the lovely Audrey Hepburn… He is working on a case about stolen money and experienced a copious amount of setbacks. In example he got sliced by a man with a hook on his hand, shot at, did weird dance moves with a piece of fruit and the bosom of a big lady…
Even when the woman he fell in love with dropped ice cream on his suit he still managed to make everything right.
2021 felt a bit like that… It has had ice cream on it’s suit, but it still made it right. Freaking lockdowns or not I still went to Egypt. Had exhibits. Made new friends. And had fun!
Didn’t count how much rolls of film I shot this year, but it was a lot. Also made plenty of prints, so that made me happy as well.
So what will 2022 bring…
I have totally no idea… And neither do all of you… I can name some of my goals though. And one of those is to get gallery representation with a gallery that is a good match. With an emphasis on a good match.
Improve myself as a human being and a photographer.
Paris Photo.
Being a better printer.
I want to go to Iran to see my friends and travel to Kurdistan as well. And see what other place I can go too.
Write more poetry.
And attend one of those freaking opening drinks! Can I just for once go to one of my own opening drinks!!!??? It is not about the drinks itself. But every success how little or big should be celebrated. And I am tired of celebrating on my own. It is just not the same… And it is lonely…
When time progresses the list of course will change up a bit. And despite it is a short list here, no worries. My list is in reality waaaay longer.
As long as it is magical it is all good…
Another thing that I want to explore is the idea what happens to a person’s identity when the scars or pain is gone… Eventually you have to be on your own again because life will come and get you. So what happens to your identity? Who are you when you can’t rely on it anymore and use it as a crutch? Who is your true self?
It is a subject matter that made me curious.
And upside down end…
These closing words were written in the evening of December 30th… Marie Laforêt has turned into Glenn Gould playing his version of The Well-Tempered Clavier. Book 1: Prelude No. 22 in B-Flat Minor… It indeed takes that long to write something. To me it is important that every word is well thought out. I want them to have weight and meaning…
Slowly getting sleepy because from at one point in my life being a night owl, I have become an early riser. I will see and fall in love with the earth before the sun does…
Hopefully the moon will not be upset… No worries moon, it is a different kind of love… Not a lovers love. Another reason is also to make sure these words will be ready to read for you on the 31st…
So that leaves me to this.
I want to say thanks to anyone that either follows me and my adventures. Supports me in either my personal life or outside. And everyone that has ever crossed my path. It may have crossed for just a short time, or maybe even for a long while. But I have become a better man by meeting you. One way, or the other…
So happy New Year to you all…
Make it magical… And chase those dreams whatever they are…
I know I will…
~ Cristian
Some random photographs that were taken through the year…
Kirsten
Two portraits I took of Kirsten with my new large format friend.
Dante 2021
Hey everyone,
Some of you may have seen it on social media but I totally forgot to update my blog/news page. But I will be part of the upcoming book about Dante Alighieri! That is so coooooool!
Not only I am a hopeless romantic that made me day dream all day about the Devine Comedy, but the one of my first inspirations ever in the visual arts are the Illustrations by Gustave Doré.
He made an huge impact on me and I like to believe that sometimes that is visible in some of my photographs.
Below is a statement about the news of the book and you can find more info on this link.
The Dante 2021 project, conceived by dotART together with the Municipality of San Daniele del Friuli, will involve Italian and foreign photographers in a collective tribute to Dante Alighieri on the occasion of the 700th anniversary of his death. The photographic volume will boast an introduction by Piero Boitani, Emeritus Professor of Comparative Literature at Sapienza University of Rome. Professor Angelo Floramo, scientific consultant of the Guarneriana Library of San Daniele del Friuli, will supervise the book.
So that is some great news! If I have more information about it I of course will share it.
~ Cristian
Monochrome exhibit at the Blank Wall Gallery.
Hi all!
Happy to announce that my photograph What-Is-Love is participating in the monochrome exhibition with the Greek home for contemporary photography, Blank Wall gallery based in Athens. It can be seen till June 2021.
Covid is still doing stupid stuff in Europe so unfortunately the exhibit had to slide into the virtual world the still make it possible.
But still very proud of it and happy to share it with you all.
You can find the virtual exhibit here and is hosted on Kunst Matrix.
The exhibition catalogue can be found here.
And the main page of the gallery here.
Have some other cool exciting news next month, so stay tuned for that.
Hope you all are doing well, and stay safe!
~ Cristian
Waní-wí-ipȟá - A reflection of 2020...
Waní-wí-ipȟá
It’s December 21st. Brushed my teeth… Covered myself with my super warm winter blanket. And the last words I see passing by before I fall asleep are “Waní-wí-ipȟá“.
It’s Lakota and literally means winter solstice. Also a sacred date and an opportunity to share and remember stories from the year past.
If only I could meet the Lakota one day…
But for now they are right. It is a sacred date and it is an opportunity to remember stories of years past…
So why not shall I…
The darkest day…
It is the darkest day… Not only for the earth the sun and the moon, but also for me. And to be honest I’ve been struggling lately.
So the darkest day also felt like one of the darkest days that I have had in a long time myself.
Not every day I am able to be Super Cris. Some days I am just not that Super… It is fine. Luckily one of Super Cris’ powers is daring to be vulnerable so all of it is okay.
The details why are just for me and maybe some of my friends. But also the new lockdown didn’t help either. I guess that part counts for everyone and hit me a bit harder than expected.
But luckily the more the day progressed I felt better and better.
And as Seneca wrote: “There are more things, Lucilius, that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.“
Waní-wí-ipȟá did make me think about stories from last year. And when you are down or sad it’s easy to forget about the good things that have happened. Since negativity can be like a whirlpool of emotions that will drag you more to the center of sadness… But good things did happen, and actually a lot...
And by the time I am done with writing this it is right before New Year’s eve. So it is a good moment to reflect anyway…
Appreciation
So what are some of the good things that happened? Or some of the stories? Well if I want to tell all of them I need ten more blog posts because I just like to tell long long long stories. But for now, I will try to keep it short. And maybe a bit sweet, I don’t know. I’m still writing so who knows how it ends.
But one of the things that stood out was the appreciation I gained for a friend of mine. I’ve never seen someone putting so much effort in fixing a friendship. And that stuff is rare...
So I’m super grateful to her for that.
You will get your horse soon.
Writing as an exercise for the soul
Writing in general is a good exercise to reflect. And if you are a regular follower of my blog, my stories are more about me, my thoughts, philosophies, or other pickings of the brain. That in the end is what makes art. Not the chosen f-stop on your camera.
So what more things have to be grateful of and what more stories do I have? And how can I reflect?
Well my wet printing skills have improved.
My project about my father is still going strong but it is hard. Not emotionally surprisingly... But more in the way that I’m trying to create something that doesn’t exist yet. And that is a super hard puzzle to solve.
I was gifted a printer for quick prints so I can edit easier.
My Hasselblad. I’m still so in love with it…
Some family members I’ve been come a bit closer with. Like my niece and one of my sisters.
Of course my friends. Peace homies!
I’ve learned a lot about myself when I was a host for a week to help out another friend. And it made me realize I have still some things to work on. Loved every second of it so no worries. Afterwards my house was way way to quiet.
And that I still need to fix my motorbike but somehow I don’t feel like a lazy bum for not doing it.
Also I recovered more stuff from my dad than I expected.
Talking about the project about my dad…
So this part is for the people that are genuinely interested in my progress with this project.
Well the good news is: There is progress.
The bad news is: I still have a freaking long way to go…
I you have ever been or are a musician you maybe know what I am talking about. Sometimes the licks and riffs flow from your mind and sometimes it feels like fighting an endless battle.
It is the same with photography. You start your project, and you have ideas, and one idea brings you to another idea. And it flows and it flows. And sometimes ideas will lead you to a dead end so you will have to explore some new ideas.
This is, in my humble opinion, the biggest reason why you shouldn’t share your work before it is done.
Maybe not a good fit for this instant gratification society. But it is what it is… Because the end product will have changed so much by the time that when it is done and will most likely be so different that it doesn’t look like what was shared or not. And most important. No more surprise effect…
Also an edit of your project can make it or break it. And a photograph does not have to mean anything by itself, or even can be boring. But when you put it into a sequence or in context it suddenly has meaning.
To put it even put the previous sentence into context. A “making-of” of an album from a band or from a movie is also shown when the movie is out. Not during the creation.
So there is a lot to digest. I have been sharing some little pieces of work with only two People that I completely trust. That is my dear friend Eelco which is an amazing art director, and Thana (She has a new book out. Go and check it out here besides that it is an amazing book you will learn a thing or two).
I think it is super important to be picky in who you trust because someone needs to be able to give honest feedback but at the same time also needs to be fully and totally aware in what your end goal is.
The risk of getting your feedback from i.e. a social media group or even during a workshop is that the people from that group or workshop teacher maybe not know your personality or what your end goal is. And how good of an artists they maybe are, they might not give you the right feedback. And therefore might not be a good match.
Therefore, trust is important.
If it is generic picture taking. Why not… Just do whatever you want.
I guess that is also the reason why you need to answer your own “why“.
I answered mine. And this is what came out…
Also stay curious and keep making an effort. Otherwise your project like any other relationship, either one from love or friendship, will die out.
Keeping on… Rollin on…
While summing up this year I also though about how much I shot and how it differed form when I was shooting digital.
So I shot about 170+ rolls of film this year. That doesn’t seem like much but it actually is when you cannot travel. And if it was digital I would have shot way way way more.
Went through copious amount of Rodinal.
Some Ilfotec-HC.
Plenty of Foma paper.
I’ve cried.
Was gifted 52 rolls of film (Thank you Stephen of Kosmo Foto for that.)
Added about 10 photography books to my collection.
Upgraded my darkroom with a beautiful Durst M605 and some amazing Rodagon and Nikon lenses.
Discovered coffee from Yemen and now I am hooked!
Found and bought some beautiful LP’s from the likes of Edith Piaf and Ella Fitzgerald.
And I was gifted a Koala! Not a real one, but it love it anyway.
I laughed a lot.
Fell a lot less asleep on the couch.
But two day before I have published this blog post I did fall through the basement floor while doing squats…
I am fine btw. Knees were a bit hurt but the more day progressed I felt better and better.
Had more and more articles published and some exhibitions.
Some nice print sales.
Jeej!
Alright one more…
One more story or reflection…
Well… Something like that…
I wrote down all of my fears, sadness, and unresolved emotions on a piece of paper and set fire to it.
It sounds cheesy but it helps.
It’s time to move on and it’s time to put some things to rest. I know I’m ready for the next big step in my life whatever that is. But that only will be achieved if I acknowledge but let go of the past.
A year without adventure…
Maybe 2020 was not filled with beautiful travel stories and amazing suqs filled with smells of herbs and spices or oudh. Or indigenous beautiful humans in a certain part of the world who stuff me with food while they are telling me stories and hugging me.
I miss them all.
Every genuine beautiful single soul…
Luckily I have got Merry Christmas messages from all over the world.
But what 2020 did was, was a year filled with reflection, change, preparation, and release.
And also some anxiety and beer.
Onwards 2021…
I want to conclude 2020 by giving a big thank you to everyone that I love. You have no idea how much you mean to mean to me. You really don’t… I cannot seem to put it into words, but sometimes I do try.
A big thank you also to everyone who has given me a chance this year. I am still growing and evolving as a photographer, and I promise I will not waste any of my upcoming chances.
December 31st, 2020…
By the time this story ends it is December 31st, 2020…
Sipping on my morning coffee…
I got the special one today…
Ready to press publish.
2020 is almost over… Only a short while left…
Days from now on will be getting longer again.
Earth will be eased up a bit in the eternal dance between the sun and the moon.
Onwards to 2021.
You will see more of my work soon…
~ Cristian
P.S. I am totally fine. No worries. :)
Dear future Cris... A birthday letter... To me...
Dear future Cris…
By the time you will read this probably another 38 years have passed. Or maybe even another 380... Who knows... Times are strange at this current moment when I am writing this to you...
Or even more. One of the strangest birthdays ever…
There is a thing going on named Covid-19. You really hated that period remember..
I am writing you this letter for a couple of reasons… And in the meantime you are listening to some Fleetwood Mac. If you have forgot about them. It is an amazing band… Go put it on.
One of reasons is: Stop doubting yourself…
I know life can be tough sometimes and you have been through a lot but you are a wonderful man. Sometimes someone even calls you super Cris. And that is all you have ever wished for…
I know that doubt is strange and new to you because you have always followed your heart. And you just did things. This will be also your guide for the rest of your upcoming years too. That is your superpower. And your heart is humongous.
So keep it beating proudly.
And although not everyone will understand you. You understood me, and I understand you. So it will be fine. You will be fine…
You are the master of my faith. I am the master of your Soul…
Your father loves you…
At the moment you are writing this letter you have started a project about your father and you are now a couple of months in. At some points that was very confronting but you are mentally just as strong as physically. You are doing a wonderful job and hopefully it will be the gateway to wonderful new opportunities. I am sure when you read this back years in the future you will say it was the perfect way of honoring your father and your grandfathers…
Dare to cry again…
You know this Cris! It is one of your life lessons that you always share with others. That strength lies in daring to be vulnerable.
But sometimes you forget…
There will always be people that leave without saying goodbye…
And you will say; I don’t cry!
I am a grownup now…
But you know this. Whatever challenges lie ahead of you. Or whatever friendship, loved ones, or relationships you will gain or lose. It is part of life…
There is no reason to only let that bluebird in your heart out at night and let it sing when nobody sees it. Let that bird sing like it has never sang before. And it deserves to have an audiance.
Nothing is under control except for your own thoughts…
You are 76 around now and hopefully having your morning coffee with the love of your life.
And if that is your soulmate or that Hasselblad you just gave yourself as a birthday present that doesn’t matter.
Don’t be so hard on yourself…
Marcus Aurelius already wrote about this in meditations. You are nothing more than your own thoughts… And you think that the only way to achieve your dreams is to be your own hardest critic. But there are more ways to do this and you will get there…
Probably you are already there…
And if not…
Just never give up…
Ain’t nothing to it but to do it…
And even more so… What is life, if you don’t dream anymore?
Catch that train of opportunities and sail instead of row…
Speaking about dreams…
I hope you found more insights about those nighttime dreams of yours…
If you ever did find out please let me know!
I want to know why I have Dragon Ball Z hands…
Photograph like you are writing a song or a poem…
Some say that when you get older that you are not as passionate anymore… But knowing you that will never disappear. You have been daydreaming since you were a little kid and creating you own world in your thoughts… So why quit now?
Also one of the insights you had during 2020 was to make your photographs more like a song and a poem in one.
An old man can dance in the living room too. Or listen to Satie or Slayer.
Duane Michals, Trent Parke, Khalil Gibran, or one of your Sufi poets like Rumi…
Hafez…
Jacques Brel and Edith Piaf…
It will be a wonderful, wonderful mess…
A complicated mess.
But it is your mess so it is beautiful…
Time is running out…
Not only in life but also for this letter. But you have learned this lesson at a young age. So you live your life accordingly.
You only have a minute…
With only sixty seconds in it.
Forced upon me, can’t refuse it.
Didn’t seek it, didn’t choose it.
But it’s up to me to use it.
I must suffer if I lose it.
Give account if I abuse it.
Just a tiny little minute,
but eternity is in it…
That is not yours by the way in case you have gotten senile. It is written by: Dr. Benjamin E. Mays.
So…
So happy birthday my main man…
I hope you will have a wonderful day.
And even many many many years from now you will have even a richer heart.
And also a nicer beard…
Happy Birthday Future Cris…
It will all be fine.
And remember… Love yourself a little bit more. Do your squats. Drink your beers and take your photographs.
Cheers buddy!
From your friend in the present and future and everything in between.
Even in another dimension in time and space…
Kind regards,
Cristian Geelen
P.S. If you like my work and my stories but the regular ways to support me like buying my photographs are not a option for you at this moment. You can always support me through a donation with the donation button.
Publication in Lens Magazine.
Hey everyone,
Well I was talking about another announcement I would make this week. And I am happy to say that my Neshama Sheli project can be seen and read in Lens Magazine.
Sometimes I call it paying the man. Sometimes I quote Invictus. But in the end it just means hard work pays off…
Things like these for me are amazing and you can sure as hell expect that I will drink a beer or to to celebrate.
To know that your work will be in a printed and digital magazine I a crown on all of the hard work. Print of course the most haha.
I will expect that I will be working for another six years on this project. So who knows where it will end up in the end…
Thanks Dafna and Ziv!
You can buy Lens Magazine through PocketMags, Magtzer, and your Amazon Kindle. Physical prints go through MagCloud.
Don’t forget you can support my work by buying me a coffee on my Ko-fi page. Or buying a print of course.
Today is a good day!
~ Cristian
A fistful of fifties and a day without fear...
Rise above…
Henry Rollins was and is punk rock icon. When he was young he was build like a brick. Loud, and would make you question your own thoughts. Loud and fearless. Exactly what the youth needed in the 70’s/80’s.
After every hard and loud show of his punk band Black Flag he would wait outside and was open to a debate to anyone that didn’t agree with his views or lyrics.
That was a welcoming difference instead of the regular fighting and stabbings that would happen on regular occasions. Or the, back than, metal scene. Not all of the debates ended up in hugging and kissing though…
If I am correct he even got close to the end of his life actually a couple of times.
The band became one of the most important bands in modern punk history. And for me personally I listened to Black Flag a lot. Besides my metal music of course.
I will include a photograph in the bottom of the story of me with my own band.
On a later age Henry Rollins started a new band named the Henry Rollins band, started doing stand-up comedy and spoken word (which is also very good go check it out.). And became a not just a punk icon but also a icon by itself. His raw emotions from his lyrics were tuned so he could transform into grown man with a encyclopedia of life experience and the tooling to get his deep thoughts out. Still with a bit of rawness left.
Punk in the shape of a gentle man.
I put a space between those words with a reason…
I lost track of him for a short while…
Life happened. Discovered new music and bands. Learned to appreciate classical music. And by a twist of fate I ran into a episode of Dürch die nacht mit… (During the night with…).
It is a show where they following two persons for the entire night. Sort of like a date. Only different.
You can see the episode here on Vimeo.
This episode was not only with him but also with Iranian artist, Shirin Neshat.
This specific episode embodied for me the ultimate love story. Two artist from other sides of the world. One outspoken and the other introvert. One raw, and the other delicate. A dance between love and fate waiting to finally find balance. Two parts of a soul to frightened to dare if they can become one.
Every part of the story resonated with me. He told about old love and how she died. Love that didn’t work. She told him about love and pain of hers.
He needs to be a little less stubborn though.
At least that is how the episode was in my mind. Beautiful. But probably to good to be true.
The end of the episode came and as far as I know they never ended up together. That is a shame, but that sometimes how life goes… And love stories don’t always end well…
And was it even a love story?
Or was it even real it all?
Maybe that love story and the energy between those two was just a figment of my imagination….
Intangible love.
A man and woman that were so attracted to each other. But couldn’t have each other…
But what is real?
Are you real?
Am I real?
Is reality real?
It is and was a long introduction to the rest of my story. But I don’t believe in short. I am way too much of a drama queen for that. But who says I cannot create a new reality for myself…
The question of what is real and do we even need real I will answer for myself in the project about my father. First couple of months were mostly finding my groove… What medium I wanted to use as in the film type and developer. And a lot of sketching and trying.
Just shooting is what I need to do and finally you will strike something that seems fitting and you write on like that.
If you are familiar with creating music it is the same as just riffing or playing progressions and chords until you find the voice that you need to tell the story.
Sometimes it takes a long times. Sometimes it goes quickly. But the moment you find it, it becomes magical and you know how to go on. That part happened though.
The beauty is. This project also feels like releasing the shackles that I gave myself focusing on documentary work.
Suddenly there were no rules anymore. And all the things that were in my imagination was allowed to be done. Exploration of life. Death. The universe. Metaphors.
Smoke and mirrors. And even text and a portal I could disappear into towards another world.
My world.
The world of that flying snowman I sometimes talk about. Only more dark, gritty, and emotional.
Reflective but not afraid.
Something she mentioned…
Shirin mentioned in that specific episode “you need a closing of the past to move forward”. And that is what I tend to achieve.
Sometimes I will hear no. Or find some truths that hurt. Or it brings out old emotions. In my photographers notebook I write besides my darkroom times for my prints also some poetry. Some will make it in the project. Some are just for my eyes only. But also while writing those it can be very confronting especially when they are about feelings that I have to admit to myself like a mirror but in words… Things I have missed in my childhood for example.
Other notes are just imaginary stories about adventures we are having. Like the project is intended.
So a closing of the past will be done.
But that is good. It is all done from love and that is what you need to heal. But also to able to make something last. But I have written about that already so many times…
A fistful of fifties and a day without fear…
One of the many things that I have learned traveling to a lot of places in the world is that in the end we all long for the same things. And that it doesn’t matter where you come from.
We all long for hope, love, no pain. To have a good life. We all feel hurt sometimes and angry. And filled with joy. But sadness is a big part of it too.
To have the resources to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. Henry Rollins would say “A fistful of fifties and a day without fear!“ We are all the same human.
This weekend I also had a long talk with my grandmother. She wanted to be a participant in my project. And it would be a great moment to take a portrait of her. And when we were talking she confirmed to me all the things I have just mentioned.
Also I asked her what was the happiest day of her life. And she told me it was the day she got married. So she wanted to be in the photograph with Henk, her late husband.
The photograph you can see on my Ko-fi page.
It is not in it’s final form. And the master print still needs to be made. But hey, sharing something every once in a while can’t hurt.
In the end when the whole project is done I hope to have translated everything into visuals and words. And somehow be able to contribute my part in society and maybe help to translate to each other that we don’t differ indeed that much. That I believe is something that is needed in our current climate. More and more polarization is what you see everywhere. That is not good…
To bring this story to an end….
Ironically I have stopped listening to Black Flag for today. It is past 22:00 and I am getting sleepy… So the crushing vocals are now replaced by Edith Piaf.
No worries Henry. I will be listening to you again later this week again.
Have a good night all…
~ Cristian
P.S. I you like my work and my stories but the regular ways are not right at this moment for you. You can always support me though my Ko-fi page.
And below you will find Cris and the first iteration of his band when he was young.
From let to right. Me, Stefan, Leroy, Sander.
Henry Rollins taken by Anton Corbijn. From the book 1-2-3-4.
Diary entry during a pandemic once forgotten... The death of my father... And a flying snowman...
The radio is on…
At least that what we have said years and years ago… But it is just regular old Spotify. No LP’s today.
Fairuz is playing. She is a Lebanese singer which I have just discovered this morning. What a beautiful voice she has. It reminded me of more beauty that I know, so I send it to her…
It also reminded me that I needed to write a little bit again. A sort of a update. Or a story. A glimpse of my mind. A question. A observation. Or maybe all of the above… Just look at it as a diary entry…
Unfortunately writing blog posts is not as romantic as writing a journal. And years and years after I have died my journal is the thing most likely to be found. And not my blog.
Does it matter anyway?
Everything matters…
All of it. All the little bits and pieces in between matter. I love writing. And who knows who is reading this and is interested what goes on in the mind of a artist.
I think I am not really made for creating YouTube videos. And if I would ever do that. I think it is way more important to talk about the art and philosophy of photography instead of gear. And that is all what you see nowadays. Anyways, writing seems just more fitting for me.
So here it is. More writing. Are you ready for the copious amount of text?
I sure am…
Writing sometimes takes me days though. And I don’t know how many days it will take me to finish this story. You can guess more than a few…
There once was a pandemic…
If I look outside the world almost looks like normal again but strangely it isn’t… Borders are opening up in Europe which is nice. So will it be finally time for me to take another trip? I hope so… But where will it be… I want to work more on my current projects. Or maybe even start a new one in a place where I have never gone before. Traveling I miss so much! That is no secret… The places where I want to go are outside of Europe. And they are either still in lock-down now. Or not taking any visitors.
Just be patient, Cris. It will be fine…
Although as a individual I am not afraid of the virus. There are still many things to take into account though.
But again… As I look outside…. The world seems normal again…
But it isn’t…
There is still a pandemic going on…
Do we ever learn…
The pandemic did made me realize it was finally time to start a photo essay about my father. But if you want to read more about that… You need to read just a little bit more of this story.
So in a way “I” learned. Finally a project which I really care about back-home. Finally a project back-home that I love.
And like I always say: Love is the one thing one needs to succeed. And it doesn’t matter what it is… If there is no love. It will not succeed.
But when I look around me. And when I observe as what photographers are supposed to do. Unfortunately I see a lack of love.
That sounds dark. But life is dark. Without darkness there cannot be light. But no worries. I will end with some happiness in the end… Well… Sort off…
It is the ying to the yang. Or the, as above to the, so below.
Countless and countless of humans still chose the life in between. Old patterns. Afraid to take chances. And trying to clinch on to the old.
It should have been a teachable moment….
One would think that something as humongous as a global pandemic would made as change the way we are. But saying it like a Dutch man. We hebben geen reet geleerd. (We didn’t learn shit.).
Still always in a hurry…
You can see it by the traffic lights. It is a prime example how to deal with things. Not waiting for the green. Because one thinks that he or she is so special it doesn’t apply to them.
The human ego what constructs that is also responsible for more extreme things. Because it is always looking to bend it a little bit more…
In the end it is responsible of war and famine. Injustice and racism. And even the whole cancel culture which I despise to the core, is a result of it.
Why do we keep hurting ourselves…
So is the human ego to blame for it all? I don’t know… I philosophize about it a lot. And it also seems that patterns are a big part of it.
Patterns. Nature… Nurture…
It is the reason I guess why people keep stuck in relationships that doesn’t give them happiness. Or keep doing their dead-end job. It is safe. It is everything one knows…
And change is scary…
Yes. Even for me…
And even more so. Change hurts…
A lot!
A pandemic should be the catalyst to finally make the changes we need. From a micro level in ones personal life. To a macro level for the entire globe.
There is some change going on as you can see with all the protest because of the death of George Floyd. But will it be enough? I hope so. But you also see that with every movement there are a lot of people being taken advantage of. Or being used as puppets for another agenda. But that is something that has been going on forever and noticed since I have been studying history books.
Let’s just hope it is all enough. But the main thing is one needs to discover nuance. Life I guess is a lot like Ilford Delta 400. Between black and white there are so many different shades of grey…
Life should be like a movie…
I wish everyone the happiness they deserve in their lives. Whatever that means for them. And the hopeless romantic in me, if he had a magic wand. He would give it to everyone around the globe… I would wave with my wand and say: Hope you find your soulmate. Or smoke your cigar on that yacht if that is your thing. Or ride your motorcycle. Or find that special coffee. Or supermarkets without lines. Or your cabana at the beach.
But that is not how it works…
You are responsible for your own happiness. And that takes a lot courage…
Years and years ago. Or maybe even when I was a little kid I decided for myself that my life deserves to be like a movie. I always had a overactive imagination. I love that so much in me. Is that a weird thing to say? But yes, it indeed involved finding the love of my life. Traveling the world. And telling amazing tales…
So would that be the cure for the world? Living your life like in the movies?
A horror movie would not be a good idea though haha. Just make it a nice one…
But will you promise me to take that chance?
Life is too short not to.
Don not fade away…
Cris! Will you finally tell the part about the project of your dad!
Calm down… Calm down…
It is my story… My journal… My movie…
So behind this keyboard. Or with my pen or camera. I make the rules…
A flying snowman…
So here it goes…
I had a conversation with my sister a couple of weeks back. And we came to the conclusion that we have nothing left of our father. The reason of that I will keep that to myself. But it was heartbreaking for me and my sister nonetheless.
So I had a idea when I was taking a shower. And the idea was that this story could be like a movie too! And I knew the perfect one…
Ever since I was little I was fascinated with a short movie of a flying snowman. Literally called “The Snowman“. I linked the name to the Wikipedia page. And here is a link to the clip of the song “Walking in the air“.
I think most of you who are around my age and grew up in my part of the world are familiar with this song. You may not know it by title. But I bet as soon as you hear the first words you will remember it instantly.
It is the story about a little boy who meets a snowman and goes on a amazing adventure in the night. And flies aaaaalllll over the snowy country side… Meets his snowman friends and plenty of more creatures. But when he wakes up the next morning…
His best friend in the world…. Melted…
The most toughest task ahead…
My father died when I was three years old. I do not have many memories of him. I remember his funeral and how his casket disappeared into the ground vividly. But despite not having to many memories, in my imagination he was my best friend in the world.
So I am creating the memories I have never had with him. We go on a adventure and meet also plenty of beautiful creatures.
It is going to be very conceptual so that is totally new for me. And therefore a challenge. But I am sure I will succeed because it is made out of love. Also it is going to be a very emotional project for me. But that is good. Some parts of me still need to heal. And confronting it is the only way.
And of course it couldn’t be anything else then a adventure. I mean, all of my fathers. My father and my grandfathers were all adventurers. And so am I!
It is going to take a while…
When will it be done… I don’t know… Good photographic projects take a while. And nowadays people think a project that takes three months is long… I can tell you, that is not long… Salgado or Peter Beard would not shy away from years and years of work…
In the world of instant gratification the long term photographic essay seems forgotten. But it is the only way to make a piece of art that will last for generations ahead.
So it will be done when it is done. And when that time has come I will share it with the world. Some people close to me may see sketches. But that is it.
Isn’t it exciting to see a project when it is done instead of all the updates or shots on Instagram? The surprise we be bigger that way. It makes you stare longer at a photograph. Otherwise it will be lost in the abyss in a second… Because it is not new anymore…
Art is made to be experienced in real life anyway…
And maybe…. Just maybe….
Life is to be experienced in real life anyway….
A end to a story… For now that is…
I like drama. I like dramatic movies… Or books… Or music…
The whole feeling of melancholy gives a experience of a beautiful suffering.
I will link the Fairuz songs at the bottom of the post plus one bonus. And two photographs.
But how to end…
To keep it full of drama… A while back I finished a book named “The Memory Police“ bu Yoko Ogawa. She is a amazing writer. And if you don’t like spoilers don’t read further… Because this story may sort of end the same way…
Me. Cristian Geelen… Sitting here with his laptop… Camera next to him.
Writing about love and life… A pandemic…
And slowly he disappears…
First his hands… Than his nose…
His arms and legs…
His lips and his eyes followed…
Until there is nothing left but his voice and his camera…
And even that…
Is what the wind took away…
~ Cristian
The song of Fairuz I was talking about.
This one is bonus because I think it is super beautiful too.
Mini me and my awesome doggie name Ricky. He would protect me from all the evil in the world.
Adult me with his trusty Nikon. Able to squat a horse and about to rip his pants again. Waiting until he can go on adventures…
New prints available.
Hey all,
I already put this message up on Instagram. But if you read it here instead, all kudos to you.
I have put some new prints in my web shop ready to be sold.
All of those prints are made on Fomatone warmtone fiber archival paper and hand printed by the artist. Me.
Blood, sweat, and tears in the darkroom. So this is not CTRL+P work.
Also they are signed and dated.
Shipping can be done worldwide and will be send with tracking.
So if you are interested. You can find the print section here.
Small side-note:
Somehow I find this important to mention…
I know they seem expensive. But actually they are under-priced.
With all the images on the internet and mainly platforms like Instagram, it seems a little bit lost on why a print cost what they cost. And even prints made from digital files take a lot of work.
You have of course not only the craftsmanship where you pay for. People have dedicated a huge portion of their lives on perfecting it. Travel costs. Cost of material. Artists have to pay taxes too. Etc etc etc…
The end resultant is a product that will last multiple lifetimes…
That is it for now…
And hope everyone is safe in this crazy world at the moment.
~ Cristian
My COVID-19 notes... And a heart that broke.
It was Ramadan 2017…
It was Ramadan 2017… Sitting in a taxi to the bus station of the city of Esfahan, Iran…
The taxi driver was an old man. Beautiful aged and had his nice vest on. Big old man belly. And a big old smile to accompany it.
On our way to the bus station his favorite song played on the radio and he was singing along. And wanted to show me his singing skills.
We didn’t speak the same language but understood each other. And it was one of those moments where you realize what traveling is all about.
The feeling of reading a thousand books in one second.
The feeling of answering your soul’s calling.
The feeling of that this moment is worth all the trouble you went through to get there.
I should have taken his portrait…
“I should have taken his portrait…” Is what I was thinking when I got on the bus… Next time… Next magical moment…
Emotions and practicality took overhand because me not speaking Farsi and trying to find the right bus among 50+ buses was quite the task. And like everyone in a strange country and want to go to your next destination, you want to be in the right one. Luckily so many sweet people around, and they guided me towards the right one.
Onward to my next destination, Shiraz…
The place place of the amazing Bagheri family and spaghetti ice cream…
A pandemic happened…
There is no going around it. The entire world is affected. Everything is at a stand still. And for a good reason of course.
When the press conference in the Netherlands at March 12th started, out of the blue a thunderstorm erupted. It was almost a scene of a movie where the thunder signaled the severity of the case and made sure we knew from now on the world would never be the same again.
Waking up…
One of the following mornings I woke up and I looked at my phone. There were a lot of text messages… They made me feel special and blessed. They were from friends from all over the world. Some from India, Iran, Myanmar, Colombia, France, Germany, the US, Jerusalem, the West-Bank…
I started to text them all back of course. And I texted all of the other people that immediately popped into my mind. I just wanted to know they are safe.
They are all okay. Thank god.
When it all lands…
My monkey mind where I always talk and write about was pondering again during the course of the morning…
And at that moment I got sad.
We all know the effects of things like these. And we already know all of the answers. But that moment when the man with the hammer comes and hits you over the head with it always comes to make it land a little bit harder. And there are so much layers to it.
Of course it sucks, for me as a individual that I cannot work on my documentary projects again all over the world. And sucks is an understatement. I worked all my life the come to this point and was not given a dime or didn’t receive any help getting there. I created that life for me, from nothing, and totally on my own, from a life where I had literally nothing.
Nothing was given. Everything was earned.
Seeing all things crumble before your eyes where you worked so hard for because of something that is out of your control just plainly fucking sucks.
But it is not important and totally not part of the point I am trying to make.
As a good stoic you know it is not under control. Will I be able to continue my projects this year? Or next year? I will dust myself off and try again when it is possible and rebuild.
It briefly passed my mind…
The feeling I describe above was actually a fraction of the thoughts I was having. And they went away when I was given a more important thought.
I am so lucky that I live here in the Netherlands. Where everything is efficient and well organized. And so is the COVID-19 response.
But what about all the people that are more vulnerable? Or people that I have met all over the globe that literally live in different worlds? The refugees? The ingenious people? All the others?
That was the moment my heart broke…
A lot of people are defenseless all over the world. I spoke to a friend who works for a aid organisation and she told me that it would be disastrous if the virus would hit the refugee camps.
And that would be the same for a lot of other places.
People are already without food after just a couple of days and weeks into the global lock-down. And a lot of people earn their money with the small business that they have, and feed their families with that money. There are mostly no savings. And what they got is what they have. So if they can’t earn. That means there is no food.
One can’t imagine how it is to go days without food and not knowing when there will be a next opportunity to get your next meal again.
Can’t drive your taxi, no income. Can’t sell your falafel, no income. Can’t sell your slippers, no income.
No income means no food. And you know what happens after that…
It was just one of the many thoughts I was having. And the scenarios were endless…
So many things to think about. And it is easy to get lost into a negative spiral your mind takes you. But it is a reality. Unemployed rates in the US have been about 20+ million. And I don’t know how many business in the Netherlands will survive.
Spain, Iran, and Italy had soaring death rates.
And the list goes on and on…
It really makes me sad. And even strong Dutch guys can shed a tear every once in a while.
So now what…
I don’t know…
I always have plenty of answers for every situation. But this time I haven’t. I wish I had. Things are looking good at this side of the world. Numbers of infection are going down. And luckily all of my friends at all the other sides over the world are safe. I am grateful for that.
And hopefully all the beautiful people I haven’t met yet are safe too.
I want to meet you one day…
It helped to get my mind out of that negative spiral of pondering.
Reflect…
It is a good moment for reflection though. Doesn’t matter who you are. To realize what is important and what isn’t. And maybe to focus to make the world a better place not only now. But also when all of this is over. Strive for happiness, whatever that means to you.
Make new connections with people, or repair them if that one is important to you. Or even break them if they are not healthy for you.
A lighter reflection moment. I never realized how many times I touch my nose during the day…
And also if there isn’t a better time to take photographs of your loved ones or situation (safely and responsible of course) and talk to your everyone that is important to you, it is now.
Let them know how you feel.
And I should really take more photograph in a casual setting too I just realized while uploading some phone photos to add to this post. Not just professional ones. But also the fun ones are important.
As far as photography goes. I am printing a lot more. Gave my darkroom a upgrade. And try to photograph and document they situation as much as possible.
So why am I writing…
Well first of all I am a story teller with traveling engraved in it’s soul. I really miss it… I really do…
But I cannot change it. And maybe I will write a future blog post why it is so important. Makes you learn. And how my grandfathers played a big role in it. They were real life Indiana Jones’s. That is for sure.
Writing is also a way to cope for me. Writing is good. If it is either writing in your journal just for your own, or a blog post.
So yes, right now I am coping. Writing. Venting. And dealing with this.
Like everyone else is doing…
Every story should have a ending…
The end of this write up is reminding me of a beautiful person that I know got upset because the movie Vertigo didn’t give any closure when the movie was over. (I love her for that fact alone.)
How and why Scottie did what he did, and Judy and the bell tower… Pfff… Yeah that was a moment in cinema history…
So for now closure in this story is that it, for me, now, is just documenting this situation. Writing. Venting. And put what my monkey mind is thinking into words or images.
If you have any book suggestions, maybe leave a comment. I am looking for new reading material.
The bigger story is still ongoing…
Be safe…
And everything will be fine in the end. And if it isn’t fine… It isn’t the end…
~ Cristian
When the Bagheri family dropped me off at the bus station when I was leaving Shiraz again.
Having tea on my birthday with Moly and her family.
A two hour talk with Mohammed about life, faith, and everything in between…
Article on Emulsive. - People of Myanmar: The Kayan and Kayah
Hey everyone,
There is a article published about my work in Myanmar on the analog photography website, Emulsive.
Super proud and happy to see my work on there.
You can check it out here if you are interested.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
~ Cristian
Some sun and some prints...
Finally… The sun was out…
December third was the last time I have updated my blog. The whole reason for that? Work… I think it took me about to the end of December to finalize my Myanmar work. Than came all the emailing, contacting, printing, writing, and so much more! Also research for my projects this year… So much research…
Now it is February already and it feels like a second winter here in the Netherlands.
Luckily the sun was out last Friday so that meant I could shoot some street. You can find those at the end of the post. And as you can guess. It is not going to be a long one.
Two updates…
One:
I made five prints in my darkroom which are up for sale in my print store. It is one of Phaw and is printed on Ilford Multigrade RC warmtone paper with warmtone developer. Click here to go to my print store so you can order one if you like it.
It is matted, signed, and numbered, and ready to frame and hang on your wall.
Like I said, it is a run of five. And all handmade by myself in my darkroom. Old school silver gelatin hand work.
Will print more later on. But printing in a darkroom takes a lot of time and energy. It is a different and also difficult craft besides the photographing and developing itself.
The second one:
March 6th there will be article out on Emulsive. Of course when it is live everyone will be spammed. It will be one about my Myanmar project. So super excited about it.
Looking for a gallery:
Also I am looking for a gallery to exhibit my Myanmar project. So if you are reading this, and you are a curator. Don’t hesitate to contact me. I sincerely appreciate it.
Some photographs…
Like I promised. Here are the photographs from last sunny Friday. I have shot it with my regular Ilford film. Some Rollei Retro 400s I have found in my fridge. And Even a roll of Acros.
But I hate talking about gear and gear related stuff. In the end it’s the photograph what counts. Even more so… In my humble opinion. A photograph is not a photograph until it is printed.
Not on the internetz…
*click the photographs to make them bigger.
I am the richest man in the world... The story about me in Myanmar.
Cris you are the richest man in the world…
That is what she said when we ended lunch. Or at least something similar… It doesn’t matter in the end though. It is what she meant what counts.
A cold Saturday back in the Netherlands and she finally gave me the words that I needed to start writing again. I has been a while since my last decent story. But that is okay. It was a busy time.
Just returned back form Myanmar photographing one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. What a trip…
I left…
*Note: Some photographs, and people I want to thank at the bottom.*
At the beginning of October I left the Netherlands to go on my adventure. Objective of the adventure: Try to tell the story of the indigenous tribes in Myanmar and how they deal with modern times.
First a small stop in Bangkok and from Bangkok I flew to Yangon, Myanmar. Too many airports, especially because I was traveling with a ton of film. But luckily all of the customs where so nice. Especially in Asia. They noticed me standing in line with my big see through bags full of film and my film was hand checked as soon as I got through customs myself. The airport in France on the other hand… They need to work on their manners a bit… But that is story is for another time… CDG, you suck.
In Bangkok I stocked up on even some more film and I was ready to go. For the people that are interested in what cameras I brought. It was my trusty Nikon FM2n and a old Yashica Mat 124G. As a back-up I brought my Nikon D810. A digital one. But that camera has never left my bag. My mind was determent this was going to be a analog only trip. If they could do it in the old days, it could be done now. And so I did.
Arriving in Yangon…
My arrival could have gone better. As soon as I got in the taxi I started feeling sick… What could it be… I never get sick… I shared the taxi with a girl which I have met at the airport and I tried to keep myself in order. Cracked open the window to get some fresh air, but with all the rain and thunder going on it was not the smartest of ideas.
As soon as I arrived in my hostel the food poisoning which I apparently had, kicked into fifth gear. Locking myself up in the toilet was the only option. Too bad the hostel turned off the water right at that exact moment.
Fuck.
Preparing for my last leg…
After being knocked off my feet for almost two days I got outside to get some fresh air and bought some Royal D. That is some sort of electrolyte drink and I needed that. I was so dehydrated… What I didn’t need was to be in a bumpy bus later that day, but I had no choice. I had to. Loikaw was up, and I just really wanted to go there. My final destination.
Luckily I met a super cool guy in the bus. And what do you know. I ran into him on the way back too.
The country had so many similarities to all the other countries I have been… And as soon as I arrived at the bus station right outside of the city it immediately felt like I was in Iran.
The whole country for me was the perfect combination of the kindness of the people of Iran, the amazing food of Vietnam, and the energy of the streets of India…
Beautiful…
Faith and a doorway to a store full of Longyi…
There she was. Standing in the doorway of a shop that sold longyis. A super big smile on her face, and so on mine. A split second was only needed before we recognized each other.
Victoria…
One of the beautiful souls that helped me so much on my way. Without her… I think most of my project would have failed. Or at least more difficult.
Professional photographer!!! it sounded!
Aaaaaaaah Victoria! So good to finally see you for real!
We exchanged a lot of messages over WhatsApp before my arrival and how she could have be of help. I ended up at random at one of her stores. I just went for a stroll to check out the city and stretch my legs, so faith decided I would meet her immediately without even texting her.
I love faith.
Me and the Chinese motorbike…
As stubborn sometimes I can be the first day I got myself a Chinese motorbike. Victoria warned me not to take that one. But me being Dutch and wanting to save money made me decide to take that one.
My ass did not thank me for that decision…
I took the motorcycle to drive to one of the first villages. It is not allowed to stay in the villages overnight, which I think is a really good thing. So the plan was to drive every morning to at least one of them and drive back before sunset.
But as unpredictable as life is… So was the rest of my journey…
Let me tell you about Moly…
Hair braided and hanging to the side with an umbrella in hand she walked towards me and asked me: Are you Cris?
The only thing I could think was she was like a beautiful young princess that could have walked right out of a Disney movie. Young and and early in her twenties I noticed she was the only one wearing western style dress…
Yes yes… I am Cris! I answered…
You must be Moly?
Moly was my interpreter in the village. I was so happy I immediately ran into her. This because after enjoying the beautiful landscapes of Myanmar I got lost, and it started to rain like Odin cried his heart out. The poncho I brought did it’s job perfectly. Camera dry, and my body too. My feet not so much, and so weren’t my glasses.
An interpreter is needed because all of the villages of the indigenous people around the country of Myanmar have their own language.
We were standing in the middle of the road, a soccer match to the left, a garrison of armed soldiers on the right. And us discussing what my plan was for the day and maybe the days later, and was I was to expect.
She hopped on the back of my Chinese motorbike the same way an amazon warrior does and told me to drive out of the village to one further away…
And so we drove…
Mulon…
I was honored to meet and have a talk with Mulon… She was one of the grandmothers of the village. She was cooking rice and preparing food for the community so Moly and I joined her for the cooking.
But what do you talk about?
I mean I am sort of good in conversation. And I have seen a lot in my life… But if you arrive finally at the place you have been preparing for, for a long time. And also, let’s be honest, seeing an old but beautiful woman with a neck almost twice the size as mine, I mean… That made me a little bit lost for words.
But after a short while the first jokes were cracked. And in the end we talked about everything that life is about.
The beauty is. And I think one of lessons you always learn no matter where you go in the world. We have more in common than we think, and we all long for the same things in life…
We ended with a portrait session…
Evil spirits…
I said goodbye to Moly for the day and made plans to return upcoming days. Because in an instant, this place already captured my heart.
Victoria made sure I was going to other places. Thank god for Victoria. I think I almost would have lived there already. So good of her that she kicked my ass into gear. Also she got me a way better motorbike.
So one of the mornings I went to the farthest place away… It was a three hour ride over mountain roads that were not always that good anymore. So a driver was needed. To share costs I joined a Spanish blogger, Manuela. And two young vibrant Burmese women, Sandar and Marina.
I cannot describe where we ended up in but it was so amazing. I think it was way to describe all of the times I arrived at a new places.
Manuela was put into traditional clothing, and off we went to the courtyard of a house in the middle of the village.
Pot and pans everywhere. A dead pig in some burning bushes. And than it started…
There was some commotion…
A rifle shot…
Playing of drums began…
The shaman was doing his ceremony with spear and shield, walking on the beat of the drum. And on some of the drum beats, more rifle fire.
They were old rifles… So old and bent, I think if you want to go out and shoot something with it you will probably hit yourself in the foot. Or any other place other than the target.
But that is okay. For the ceremony it did exactly what it had to do…
The shaman was doing all of this to get the evil spirits away from the house. Catch them. Put them in a basket with some bamboo strips and chicken bones. And bury it outside of the village where they can do no to anyone.
At one moment more rice wine…
My stomach still wasn’t settled but I drank it anyway. I mean, you only live once… And I actually quite like it. And luckily it is without alcohol I learned later. That’s a good thing… Because a couple of days later on my birthday I drank a lot more!
Fuck, it’s my birthday…
My phone started ringing early in the morning… It was Victoria.
Happpppppppyyyy Biiirrtthhdaayyy Crrriiiissss!!!
She remembered and she was actually the first one to congratulate me. Later that day she was also responsible for one of the three times I celebrated it.
I never celebrate it like a normal Dutch person does. I like it and don’t like it at the same time. I always try to be away but with Victoria around there was no escaping it.
But I had to put some clothes on… Super excited. Because I was going back to the first village and meet up with Moly and her grandmother.
Moly’s grandmother was not alone. She brought her best friend… Phaw…
For my birthday we went to their favorite place. A rice field somewhere in the mountains. It was quite the walk, but those two grandmothers walked like the wind. 78 and 74 years old but so strong and agile.
At one point we ran into a cow herder and he asked Moly where they hid me. This because I was so big in comparison to the locals and it is not allowed to stay there overnight. I had to laugh. In the Netherlands I am just normal… At least my length. My body is still that of an Olympic Weightlifter.
Soul Sisters…
They told me some amazing stories during the walk. The one I remember most vividly is that of when they were young they both had the dream of marrying a boy from the same village so they can stay together forever. And so they did… Still together as best friends in the same village…
Well if that isn’t the most beautiful and romantic story you have ever heard I just don’t know anymore…
True soul sisters and they found a way to stay together trough all of the difficult times and conflict the country has known…
The rest of the day we spend on the porch and drank some rice wine. Moly has secretly gotten me a gift gift for my birthday. A handmade scarf she made herself. It is just a gem. But what she didn’t realize, is that spending my day with her, having lunch with her family, drinking wine was the best gift I could ever have…
Even when the little kids asked me if I was in an accident because my entire body was covered in Thanaka. I was completely sunburned by now. And it was the only thing that helped.
I had to laugh a bit.
No I am fine haha. It is just a sunburn.
Time passes on…
Like I always say… Time is the most precious commodity in the world. It can’t be stopped or bought… And you can only spend it once…
That makes the rest of the day even more special. Victoria showed up at the restaurant with the biggest birthday cake I have ever had. Literally I never had such a big one! My name was on it and even a camera. How in the name of god could she have fixed that so quickly!
Time can maybe never be stopped. But these are memories I will forever carry with me…
End of my main objective…
The rest of my remainder of my time I continued photographing as much I could find of the local villages and there was gas in my motorbike. I you have any clue how difficult that is. Normal street photography rules don’t apply if you step into a different world. Not if you want to tell their real story and to be honorable about your work at the same time. Photographs are always given…
The story is also far from over…
Villages with dragon hats, got stung by a bee in my eye, got lost again…
But at one point I had to travel back…
Back to the biggest city of the country…
Back to the former capital…
I shed a little tear when I said goodbye and off I went, back into the night bus…
But it was not all bad. Met up with Sandar again and also gave me a birthday present and took me out for dinner. My third birthday party!!!
Had some amazing conversations with Natalia which I have also met in Yangon. And also Tyler my beer guzzling Australian buddy.
Time to relax after. After all my Holiday sort of started now I was done…
So Cris, will you ever come to the “you are the richest man in the world” part?
I will no worries…
If you have made it this far you have sincerely earned it…
Thank you for that…
The story so far sounds amazing. And honestly by itself it is a once in a lifetime experience. And I could already measure my richness in just this trip. But you probably have discovered that richness for me is not in money…
One of the topics discussed during the lunch is also being proud of who you are and that it is allowed to let it be part of your story… And also that it is allowed to be proud of yourself.
If I look at my life in retrospect I have plenty to be proud of and not in an arrogant kind of way. But I have never stood still for real about that. I mean I know it, but I also know nothing more than grinding… Working hard… Because in my monkey mind that is the only way to achieve my dreams…
My dad dying…
So let me tell you a little bit about myself…
My dad dying was and is still a big reason why I do what I do. Maybe it is also my souls path. But still…
I was only three years old when it happened but thinking of it now makes me remember his funeral very vividly… His coffin, how hard I cried, and the people I sought comfort with.
After my dad died my stepfather did something so atrocious to one of my family members we had to run away in an instant and were literally without a home for a while…
Of course sleeping at your grandparents and uncle at one point is still a roof. But still it’s not a good and healthy way to grow up.
When our family has been through many court sessions and other things we finally found a place for ourselves in the worst neighborhood of the city I lived in.
Waking up from gunshots… Stepping over junkies in the morning to grab my bike to go to school… No money…
The mailman even got beat up. And my gym owner learned me how to shave.
Growing up like that with literally nothing. I was so driven to make most of my life. That of course came with a shitload of mistakes. But the drive was always there. Working, training hard, studying. All at the same time. Too bad days only contained 24 hours… I made myself a promise to escape that life if it was the last thing I did.
And so I did…
I did so many things I am proud of but these are the ones I want to mention.
I achieved something later in age in Olympic Weightlifting I thought I would never do when I picked up my first barbell when I was fifteen.
And became an successful IT engineer at one of the best companies in my country. The same company also gave me the opportunity to follow my dreams to become a photographer and work part time for them.
Even learned to play three instruments and played in an awesome metal band and did some awesome shows.
And now, traveling the world…
With my camera…
As a storyteller, meeting nothing but beautiful souls along the way…
How in gods name can I not be the richest man in the world?…
~ Cristian
Some special mentions I have to make after this story. And if I forgot you. Don’t worry. You are indeed in my heart.
Victoria. Moly. Sandar. Natalia. Sai Arkar Min Tun. William. Marina. Manuela. Stephan. Leonard. Kaitlin. Nick. Lukas. Tyler. Luiza. James. Batman. Sky… My friends back-home. Tino & Alina. Wing. Eelco.
Without you nothing of this was possible.
*Note: Some photographs below. Working on these kind of projects is hard and is not free despite it is super cool to do. And also shooting analog makes it even more expensive and difficult. I still have to work on the side you know… I know my art is not affordable for everyone but there are so many way to support me. Share my name. Share a post or article. Buy a digital print which is cheaper. The options are endless. But please do not distribute my photographs without my consent. In the end when I have developed everything and the editing process will be done it will be up as a project and some handmade, high-end fine art prints will also be available.*
Some phone snaps…
