If 2021 was a secret agent... It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Christmas Eve…

It is Friday night and three seconds just have passed since I took the first sip of a disgusting alcohol free beer… Why in gods name did I choose this period to go alcohol free for a while… My god, it is horrible! A good beer is priceless, and it is actually one of the things that genuinely makes me happy. Fresh developer, fresh film, and a fresh New England IPA.

Well, of course there are plenty of other things. But that would just make a really long list and creates less of an entertaining story.

Whenever a setback happens I just take my time to feel like shit for a brief moment. And as soon as that has passed and I have dusted myself off, I double down on reinventing myself. One of the perks you get I guess from having a shitty childhood. So as soon as the Netherlands was thrown into another lockdown in the blink of an eye, it was a good moment to dust myself off and make sure I would turn it into something positive.

So that means becoming better at my craft which is photography, and a workout every day. Despite I am already fit, that stupid rona is not going to get me. But the reality is: It is either abs or IPA’s. You can’t have both. And ever since I stopped competing in Olympic Weightlifting those IPA’s tasted a little bit too well…

Channeling…

Slowly taking another sip, and when I put my glass down it seemed like the perfect moment to reminisce about 2021. And one of my other goals is to channel my emotions better into art without any distractions. Reminiscing is a good catalyst to do that. And hopefully the more time progresses I will become better at it. The main goal of art is not imitating your heroes, but unapologetic personal expression.

An LP of Marie Laforêt is playing in the background and I hope I can finish the sentence before I have to turn the record to the other side. I succeeded…

Since I have had an outlet I always summed up my year and what happened to me. That too seems like a fruitful exercise. To reflect… To see what can be done better. Or what I did well… Did I follow my heart and was I true to myself?

So far so good…

2021, my most successful year so far… And also a super sad one…

The biggest mark 2021 has left on me is not the success I have had this year as a photographer. It was the loss of my little nephew whos life was lost during a car accident in October. Cremating the little fella just two days before my birthday was the most surreal thing ever. It is a scar that will be hard to heal. And for my sister, his dad, his bonus dad, and my niece every day feels like drowning while the rest of the world is breathing.

It also made me indefinitely pause the project about my dad for a while. They say projects are never finished, but just abandoned. And that is completely true… I just couldn’t anymore. Not now.

The project did bring me a lot though. It made me better… It made me learn. And even better… It gave me eleven freaking exhibits which three of them were festivals… And one of the locations was in a castle! And also a book! Which is crazy! If you would have told me that at the end of 2020 I would have never believed it.

Bluebird, if you are reading this… I could not have done this without you.

Yes I am talking to you. There is only one person in the world that I call bluebird.

You have no idea how special you are to me. I will keep saying that till the end of time and until you feel it, not just hear it.

And when I start slacking, I hear your voice with your unique accent in the back of my head like you said in one of your voice messages saying: “But you are not a lazy photographer…“ And that is the moment I continue my grind.

Plus, no one in my entire life has ever told me they are proud of me. But you did…

It is a beautiful realization how important it is to have the have the support of people you care about. In the past I always did things just by myself. Didn’t have people I could spar or reflect with. Or just vent… And most of the time I was just not understood. When I was still a weightlifter I had my coach. He maybe didn’t always understand me, but he always made a effort and did his best. And that goes for the two people who are prominently right now always supporting me without them even maybe knowing how big their impact is. Bluebird, and mister “rare dingen“.

Goals are never easy. Especially if you have big ones… I know I have to work my ass off. So yes, sometimes it feels like grinding. Taking photographs is not easy. And no one will ever come knocking on your door and say: “Hey do you want to be in my gallery?“ I approach things the same as I did with my sport. Just work and work. And eventually you get there. Just never give up. Even if you know you still have a long way to go and a lot of growing to do.

I did start two new projects though. One of them will be made as a visual poem. And the other one will be about masculinity done in a way that is not that typical. I want to break through social boundaries with that. More on that in 2022.

So if 2021 was a secret agent… It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Charade has become one of my favourite movies. And whenever I felt down I started watching it. Behind those muscles and that beard lies a hopeless romantic which still believes in fairy tales and magic and literally daydreams all day.

Cary Grant plays a character named Peter Joshua. Not the main character though! That is the lovely Audrey Hepburn… He is working on a case about stolen money and experienced a copious amount of setbacks. In example he got sliced by a man with a hook on his hand, shot at, did weird dance moves with a piece of fruit and the bosom of a big lady…

Even when the woman he fell in love with dropped ice cream on his suit he still managed to make everything right.

2021 felt a bit like that… It has had ice cream on it’s suit, but it still made it right. Freaking lockdowns or not I still went to Egypt. Had exhibits. Made new friends. And had fun!

Didn’t count how much rolls of film I shot this year, but it was a lot. Also made plenty of prints, so that made me happy as well.

So what will 2022 bring…

I have totally no idea… And neither do all of you… I can name some of my goals though. And one of those is to get gallery representation with a gallery that is a good match. With an emphasis on a good match.

Improve myself as a human being and a photographer.

Paris Photo.

Being a better printer.

I want to go to Iran to see my friends and travel to Kurdistan as well. And see what other place I can go too.

Write more poetry.

And attend one of those freaking opening drinks! Can I just for once go to one of my own opening drinks!!!??? It is not about the drinks itself. But every success how little or big should be celebrated. And I am tired of celebrating on my own. It is just not the same… And it is lonely…

When time progresses the list of course will change up a bit. And despite it is a short list here, no worries. My list is in reality waaaay longer.

As long as it is magical it is all good…

Another thing that I want to explore is the idea what happens to a person’s identity when the scars or pain is gone… Eventually you have to be on your own again because life will come and get you. So what happens to your identity? Who are you when you can’t rely on it anymore and use it as a crutch? Who is your true self?

It is a subject matter that made me curious.

And upside down end…

These closing words were written in the evening of December 30th… Marie Laforêt has turned into Glenn Gould playing his version of The Well-Tempered Clavier. Book 1: Prelude No. 22 in B-Flat Minor… It indeed takes that long to write something. To me it is important that every word is well thought out. I want them to have weight and meaning…

Slowly getting sleepy because from at one point in my life being a night owl, I have become an early riser. I will see and fall in love with the earth before the sun does…

Hopefully the moon will not be upset… No worries moon, it is a different kind of love… Not a lovers love. Another reason is also to make sure these words will be ready to read for you on the 31st…

So that leaves me to this.

I want to say thanks to anyone that either follows me and my adventures. Supports me in either my personal life or outside. And everyone that has ever crossed my path. It may have crossed for just a short time, or maybe even for a long while. But I have become a better man by meeting you. One way, or the other…

So happy New Year to you all…

Make it magical… And chase those dreams whatever they are…

I know I will…

~ Cristian

Some random photographs that were taken through the year…

But who was listening? It was not God...

I screamed at the sky that it is not fair.
But who was listening?
It was not God...

The only only ones who were there were some crazy birds.
What the fuck do those birds even know about soulmates?

God has abandoned me...
It felt like she has given up as well.

If God was really there he would have known in how much pain I am.

The tears...
The anger...

Oh god... If you only knew.

I fell down near a tree.
And my roots began to dig deep into the ground so I could become one with the earth.

One with the earth...
My melting body was soaking up in the soil
Falling deeper and deeper

Until I reached our past lives...

Lives of kings and queens
And sand and wind
And places and beings

Even back than I tried to make you remember

Remember about that one time that we were one
And left you notes right on your heart
But your heart stopped beating
And I made it keep going by
Just by saying: sleep tight
You slept tight
And woke up in another dimension
In a beautiful dress with flowers and butterflies
But one of those butterflies was me
Only I had no wings
So I fell off
Right into the ground
And transformed into a flower
Only it didn't rain
So there wasn't any water
And because of that I died...

And when I died
It started raining
And pieces of my saddened body touched the window
You were staring out of when you had a bad day

The raindrops made you feel back home
And even though I wasn't even there

Well... Maybe I was...
But would you have seen those notes I left you?

Oh god if you only knew
And if you are listening
Maybe those crazy birds could translate

Will she ever remember me?

Dante 2021

Hey everyone,

Some of you may have seen it on social media but I totally forgot to update my blog/news page. But I will be part of the upcoming book about Dante Alighieri! That is so coooooool!

Not only I am a hopeless romantic that made me day dream all day about the Devine Comedy, but the one of my first inspirations ever in the visual arts are the Illustrations by Gustave Doré.

He made an huge impact on me and I like to believe that sometimes that is visible in some of my photographs.

Below is a statement about the news of the book and you can find more info on this link.

The Dante 2021 project, conceived by dotART together with the Municipality of San Daniele del Friuli, will involve Italian and foreign photographers in a collective tribute to Dante Alighieri on the occasion of the 700th anniversary of his death. The photographic volume will boast an introduction by Piero Boitani, Emeritus Professor of Comparative Literature at Sapienza University of Rome. Professor Angelo Floramo, scientific consultant of the Guarneriana Library of San Daniele del Friuli, will supervise the book.

So that is some great news! If I have more information about it I of course will share it.

~ Cristian

Life as a colorblind (photographer)...

Usually I am an open book…

An old book by by now… Well not that old. But let’s say old enough to know better and young enough to still make mistakes.

But there is one subject matter I actually I don’t talk about that much. And that is that I am literally colorblind.

I don’t know why I don’t talk about it that much, because in general I am happy about who I became as a man. So it is quite strange. Maybe it is because it sometimes still bothers me…

I made peace with it the same way I did with most parts of my life. But sometimes the nagging still arises.

And sometimes the nagging and the bother even hurts.

I remember that one night I was sitting on my couch and I was looking at the work of Tania Frano Klein and a tear rolled down my eye because I realized I could never ever create something like that in my life. Even if I summoned all of my Dutch strength and pulled the heavens and earths and the rivers and mountains together to create a new world it still wouldn’t matter.

Or when I look at the photographs of my friend Thana and I see her color work. And it makes me happy because they are beautiful, and makes me sad at the same time because I can only explain to her how it makes me feel but not what I see.

My eyes are my eyes and they will never change…

It sometimes even makes me feel guilty because I want to honor what the artist has intended.

And even if you want to explain it what you see, you just can’t. Because everyone else does see color. So no one will ever understand you.

Well that is a bit of a depressing start of a story isn’t it?

But hey, it’s 2021. So that means as a man you can talk about your emotions as he pleases. Even when you were a strong spandex wearing Olympic Weightlifter at one time… A man should be allowed to have big muscles as well intellect.

So what color is this?

The story get’s better. No worries… Or, at least I hope…

Most likely haha.

The one question I always get the first time when I tell someone that I am colorblind is: “What color is this?“. I can tell you right now, it is the most annoying question in the world!

What color is this pen?

I don’t know…

What color is my shirt?

I don’t know…

What color is this strawberry?

Red…

See, I knew it! You are not colorblind!

No dumbass. I know that strawberries are red like everyone else in this world…

One of the tricks that you learn how to deal with it is indeed memorize what color certain objects have. Grass is green, strawberries are wild. And red of course… And with traffic lights I need the bottom one and the brightest one.

In Lightroom and Photoshop you use values. Because digitally everything has values. And if you need red you just use #FF0000 or 255, 0, 0…

That helps a lot with commercial work.

My ego…

When I started out with photography I forced myself to shoot color. But I should have known better… During the weird but interesting journey that has become my life I learned plenty of lessons and one of them is never force yourself to be someone you are not. And that means as a human, or a certain situation that you are in. Remove yourself from it or it will eat you up alive.

And I still did. I wanted to shoot color soooooo bad. I looked at books of Joel Meyerowitz, Jamel Shabazz, or Martha Cooper and I was like I want to do that too!

But it was no use.

It didn’t fit me.

No matter how hard I forced myself. It just wasn’t a good match… Not even when I discovered film photography and setting your white balance suddenly became less important.

Luckily I learned though and I embraced it in my art. No more color photography for me…

Embracing my weakness and seeing it as my strength gave me the same results as it did in previous situations and parts in my life. It gave me a better standard of life…

No more stressing out.

No more looking for things that aren’t there.

No more chasing a unicorn.

If there is a god he wants me to be happy and not sad. Especially not because of “rules”.

It feels very good to not to have to pretend anymore that you are happy with what you do or who you are. Just being unapologetically yourself… Paradiso.

The beauty of the whole situation…

Contrast… That apparently I can see very well. Most likely in my own way… But shooting black and white photography has so many layers….

Black and White photography has become the one and only thing that matters to me. And when you learn how to use that contrast you can put the techniques of the old master painters to use and you instantly have another dimension to work with. Originally used in color, but works very good in Black and White.

That doesn’t mean that color sucks.

But what you see a lot in color photography is that is used as a crutch. Especially now that a lot is online. Social Media and all of your smart devices are designed to release dopamine. And most color work has the same effect. In some galleries they even curate like that and it looks more like an Instagram feed now.

Fun fact: People spend an average time between 15 and 30 seconds at an artwork in a gallery or museum. And you need around 4 minutes and 8 seconds to actually get it. The average dwell time on Instagram for a picture is less than 3 seconds and even shorter for your story. That’s around 0.3. So what the fuck are we doing?

I think it was Richard Avedon that said something like: ”Anything is an art if you do it at the level of an art”. And what he means by that is that everything that is done in excellence is beautiful. Good photography, good BBQ, good dancing.

So good color work is good and beautiful color work. It means that the entire purpose of what color is being used is thought of and has a function to, for example: let you feel a certain feeling. Too bad I can’t see it tough.

But there is something about the rawness of black and white. It is just you and the photograph. You need to make an effort to understand it. You have to take your time. You need to decipher it.

And if someone or something makes an effort for you.

Or to understand you…

To understand your art.

That is priceless!

I cannot think of a higher honor than that.

Good life lesson as well btw. If someone in your life makes an effort, keep them around… Those people are rare… It means it’s good folk.

So what can you see?

I have no fucking idea…

I stopped matching my socks a long time ago…

The interesting thing is that I am sure I am not the only one with this condition, and 1 in 11 men has some sort of a form of color blindness. Maybe not as intense as my version, but that is still a lot of color blind dudes.

Hopefully me writing about it helps other men talk about it and deal with it. Not only in the artistic field but men in all professions.

But from what I discovered is that not everyone knows that they are because most cases are mild…

I can honestly say that color is the least important thing in my life…

Having my eyes is not something I chose. I was born like this… And all the fancy glasses and apps cannot solve it. The only way how I will ever properly see color ever in my life is when Elon Musk hooks-up the Neuralink device to my brain and I get camera sensors in my eyes…

And that is I believe where the beauty comes in.

When I see a beautiful old car I can describe it in full detail.

I will tell you about the passenger who was in it. The chrome. The buttons and the buckles…

The leather seats and the rims.

Even if it was driving fast or slow and if the window was cracked…

And that is how I look at people as well.

I was at a BLM rally last summer, and one of the speakers said: “And even if you are colorblind you can still see the difference between white and black!”

And I was like: No man… That is not how it works…

You have never seen the world through my eyes…

Same as I never seen the world though yours…

Not to dilute anything about your message and and the cause and make it less meaningful. But color is literally the least important thing in my life because I have never experienced it like a normal human being.

I have never ever experienced the green of the grass…

I have never ever experienced the beauty of the autumn leaves…

I have never ever experienced the color of someone’s eyes…

I just know that they are beautiful…

I just know that they make an amazing sounds when I walk through them and I want to roll in it…

I just know that it smells nice when it is freshly cut…

If you are a man with a hat… Or A woman in a dress…

And most importantly. If you were nice to me… It is all I care about. And if we ever cross paths and I like you, I can describe your entire soul.

*P.S.

I am writing this pas a bit later than the rest of the post but I just read an interview with one of my friends in Myanmar and it really broke my heart. She send it to me today and it took me a while to digest and I felt the need to address it.

The situation is really bad over there and unfortunately there is no hope that the Junta will leave soon. A lot of people are dying and a lot of people are worrying about their food.

The sucky thing is that I am powerless…

I want to do so much. And I wish nothing but the best for the people of that beautiful country. But I just don’t know what to do… Except to talk about it and hopefully it lands somewhere where it needs to land.

If I had a magic wand I would make all the troubles go away… I would make the proxy war in Yemen go away and made sure all the people would have food. I would help the people who went through the Gulf war and later Isis as well because I have friends in that region like Iraq as well. I would help the people who had their homes take away by natural disasters and are trying to rebuild everything. I would help Tibet preserve their beautiful culture. I would get rid of all walls including all firewalls…

There is so much shit going on in the world on. It goes beyond words. So let’s find a way to make this world a better place.

People just need to be free…

~ Cristian

Here you will have a photograph that is already published in my project page of “Memories of a man once there…“ The thing is I not getting much enjoyment out of posting my photographs on social media anymore… There are many reasons for that. But one of them it seems to be diluting hard work. There is a difference in making art or content. And I don’t make content. One day I will write an article about it. But that too needs to be done well otherwise it will be become quickly become a complain piece instead of something that adds to the conversation. Plus like I always say: A photograph is not a photograph until it is printed.

Some work in progress… Started trying out new papers instead of the ones I regularly use. Satisfied until so far… A photograph is not a photograph until it is printed.

Waní-wí-ipȟá - A reflection of 2020...

Waní-wí-ipȟá

It’s December 21st. Brushed my teeth… Covered myself with my super warm winter blanket. And the last words I see passing by before I fall asleep are “Waní-wí-ipȟá“.

It’s Lakota and literally means winter solstice. Also a sacred date and an opportunity to share and remember stories from the year past.

If only I could meet the Lakota one day…

But for now they are right. It is a sacred date and it is an opportunity to remember stories of years past…

So why not shall I…

The darkest day…

It is the darkest day… Not only for the earth the sun and the moon, but also for me. And to be honest I’ve been struggling lately.

So the darkest day also felt like one of the darkest days that I have had in a long time myself.

Not every day I am able to be Super Cris. Some days I am just not that Super… It is fine. Luckily one of Super Cris’ powers is daring to be vulnerable so all of it is okay.

The details why are just for me and maybe some of my friends. But also the new lockdown didn’t help either. I guess that part counts for everyone and hit me a bit harder than expected.

But luckily the more the day progressed I felt better and better.

And as Seneca wrote: “There are more things, Lucilius, that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.“

Waní-wí-ipȟá did make me think about stories from last year. And when you are down or sad it’s easy to forget about the good things that have happened. Since negativity can be like a whirlpool of emotions that will drag you more to the center of sadness… But good things did happen, and actually a lot...

And by the time I am done with writing this it is right before New Year’s eve. So it is a good moment to reflect anyway…

Appreciation

So what are some of the good things that happened? Or some of the stories? Well if I want to tell all of them I need ten more blog posts because I just like to tell long long long stories. But for now, I will try to keep it short. And maybe a bit sweet, I don’t know. I’m still writing so who knows how it ends.

But one of the things that stood out was the appreciation I gained for a friend of mine. I’ve never seen someone putting so much effort in fixing a friendship. And that stuff is rare...

So I’m super grateful to her for that.

You will get your horse soon.

Writing as an exercise for the soul

Writing in general is a good exercise to reflect. And if you are a regular follower of my blog, my stories are more about me, my thoughts, philosophies, or other pickings of the brain. That in the end is what makes art. Not the chosen f-stop on your camera.

So what more things have to be grateful of and what more stories do I have? And how can I reflect?

Well my wet printing skills have improved.

My project about my father is still going strong but it is hard. Not emotionally surprisingly... But more in the way that I’m trying to create something that doesn’t exist yet. And that is a super hard puzzle to solve.

I was gifted a printer for quick prints so I can edit easier.

My Hasselblad. I’m still so in love with it…

Some family members I’ve been come a bit closer with. Like my niece and one of my sisters.

Of course my friends. Peace homies!

I’ve learned a lot about myself when I was a host for a week to help out another friend. And it made me realize I have still some things to work on. Loved every second of it so no worries. Afterwards my house was way way to quiet.

And that I still need to fix my motorbike but somehow I don’t feel like a lazy bum for not doing it.

Also I recovered more stuff from my dad than I expected.

Talking about the project about my dad…

So this part is for the people that are genuinely interested in my progress with this project.

Well the good news is: There is progress.

The bad news is: I still have a freaking long way to go…

I you have ever been or are a musician you maybe know what I am talking about. Sometimes the licks and riffs flow from your mind and sometimes it feels like fighting an endless battle.

It is the same with photography. You start your project, and you have ideas, and one idea brings you to another idea. And it flows and it flows. And sometimes ideas will lead you to a dead end so you will have to explore some new ideas.

This is, in my humble opinion, the biggest reason why you shouldn’t share your work before it is done.

Maybe not a good fit for this instant gratification society. But it is what it is… Because the end product will have changed so much by the time that when it is done and will most likely be so different that it doesn’t look like what was shared or not. And most important. No more surprise effect…

Also an edit of your project can make it or break it. And a photograph does not have to mean anything by itself, or even can be boring. But when you put it into a sequence or in context it suddenly has meaning.

To put it even put the previous sentence into context. A “making-of” of an album from a band or from a movie is also shown when the movie is out. Not during the creation.

So there is a lot to digest. I have been sharing some little pieces of work with only two People that I completely trust. That is my dear friend Eelco which is an amazing art director, and Thana (She has a new book out. Go and check it out here besides that it is an amazing book you will learn a thing or two).

I think it is super important to be picky in who you trust because someone needs to be able to give honest feedback but at the same time also needs to be fully and totally aware in what your end goal is.

The risk of getting your feedback from i.e. a social media group or even during a workshop is that the people from that group or workshop teacher maybe not know your personality or what your end goal is. And how good of an artists they maybe are, they might not give you the right feedback. And therefore might not be a good match.

Therefore, trust is important.

If it is generic picture taking. Why not… Just do whatever you want.

I guess that is also the reason why you need to answer your own “why“.

I answered mine. And this is what came out…

Also stay curious and keep making an effort. Otherwise your project like any other relationship, either one from love or friendship, will die out.

Keeping on… Rollin on…

While summing up this year I also though about how much I shot and how it differed form when I was shooting digital.

So I shot about 170+ rolls of film this year. That doesn’t seem like much but it actually is when you cannot travel. And if it was digital I would have shot way way way more.

Went through copious amount of Rodinal.

Some Ilfotec-HC.

Plenty of Foma paper.

I’ve cried.

Was gifted 52 rolls of film (Thank you Stephen of Kosmo Foto for that.)

Added about 10 photography books to my collection.

Upgraded my darkroom with a beautiful Durst M605 and some amazing Rodagon and Nikon lenses.

Discovered coffee from Yemen and now I am hooked!

Found and bought some beautiful LP’s from the likes of Edith Piaf and Ella Fitzgerald.

And I was gifted a Koala! Not a real one, but it love it anyway.

I laughed a lot.

Fell a lot less asleep on the couch.

But two day before I have published this blog post I did fall through the basement floor while doing squats…

I am fine btw. Knees were a bit hurt but the more day progressed I felt better and better.

Had more and more articles published and some exhibitions.

Some nice print sales.

Jeej!

Alright one more…

One more story or reflection…

Well… Something like that…

I wrote down all of my fears, sadness, and unresolved emotions on a piece of paper and set fire to it.

It sounds cheesy but it helps.

It’s time to move on and it’s time to put some things to rest. I know I’m ready for the next big step in my life whatever that is. But that only will be achieved if I acknowledge but let go of the past.

A year without adventure…

Maybe 2020 was not filled with beautiful travel stories and amazing suqs filled with smells of herbs and spices or oudh. Or indigenous beautiful humans in a certain part of the world who stuff me with food while they are telling me stories and hugging me.

I miss them all.

Every genuine beautiful single soul…

Luckily I have got Merry Christmas messages from all over the world.

But what 2020 did was, was a year filled with reflection, change, preparation, and release.

And also some anxiety and beer.

Onwards 2021…

I want to conclude 2020 by giving a big thank you to everyone that I love. You have no idea how much you mean to mean to me. You really don’t… I cannot seem to put it into words, but sometimes I do try.

A big thank you also to everyone who has given me a chance this year. I am still growing and evolving as a photographer, and I promise I will not waste any of my upcoming chances.

December 31st, 2020…

By the time this story ends it is December 31st, 2020…

Sipping on my morning coffee…

I got the special one today…

Ready to press publish.

2020 is almost over… Only a short while left…

Days from now on will be getting longer again.

Earth will be eased up a bit in the eternal dance between the sun and the moon.

Onwards to 2021.

You will see more of my work soon…

~ Cristian

P.S. I am totally fine. No worries. :)

Dear future Cris... A birthday letter... To me...

Dear future Cris…

By the time you will read this probably another 38 years have passed. Or maybe even another 380... Who knows... Times are strange at this current moment when I am writing this to you...

Or even more. One of the strangest birthdays ever…

There is a thing going on named Covid-19. You really hated that period remember..

I am writing you this letter for a couple of reasons… And in the meantime you are listening to some Fleetwood Mac. If you have forgot about them. It is an amazing band… Go put it on.

One of reasons is: Stop doubting yourself…

I know life can be tough sometimes and you have been through a lot but you are a wonderful man. Sometimes someone even calls you super Cris. And that is all you have ever wished for…

I know that doubt is strange and new to you because you have always followed your heart. And you just did things. This will be also your guide for the rest of your upcoming years too. That is your superpower. And your heart is humongous.

So keep it beating proudly.

And although not everyone will understand you. You understood me, and I understand you. So it will be fine. You will be fine…

You are the master of my faith. I am the master of your Soul…

Your father loves you…

At the moment you are writing this letter you have started a project about your father and you are now a couple of months in. At some points that was very confronting but you are mentally just as strong as physically. You are doing a wonderful job and hopefully it will be the gateway to wonderful new opportunities. I am sure when you read this back years in the future you will say it was the perfect way of honoring your father and your grandfathers…

Dare to cry again…

You know this Cris! It is one of your life lessons that you always share with others. That strength lies in daring to be vulnerable.

But sometimes you forget…

There will always be people that leave without saying goodbye…

And you will say; I don’t cry!

I am a grownup now…

But you know this. Whatever challenges lie ahead of you. Or whatever friendship, loved ones, or relationships you will gain or lose. It is part of life…

There is no reason to only let that bluebird in your heart out at night and let it sing when nobody sees it. Let that bird sing like it has never sang before. And it deserves to have an audiance.

Nothing is under control except for your own thoughts…

You are 76 around now and hopefully having your morning coffee with the love of your life.

And if that is your soulmate or that Hasselblad you just gave yourself as a birthday present that doesn’t matter.

Don’t be so hard on yourself…

Marcus Aurelius already wrote about this in meditations. You are nothing more than your own thoughts… And you think that the only way to achieve your dreams is to be your own hardest critic. But there are more ways to do this and you will get there…

Probably you are already there…

And if not…

Just never give up…

Ain’t nothing to it but to do it…

And even more so… What is life, if you don’t dream anymore?

Catch that train of opportunities and sail instead of row…

Speaking about dreams…

I hope you found more insights about those nighttime dreams of yours…

If you ever did find out please let me know!

I want to know why I have Dragon Ball Z hands…

Photograph like you are writing a song or a poem…

Some say that when you get older that you are not as passionate anymore… But knowing you that will never disappear. You have been daydreaming since you were a little kid and creating you own world in your thoughts… So why quit now?

Also one of the insights you had during 2020 was to make your photographs more like a song and a poem in one.

An old man can dance in the living room too. Or listen to Satie or Slayer.

Duane Michals, Trent Parke, Khalil Gibran, or one of your Sufi poets like Rumi…

Hafez…

Jacques Brel and Edith Piaf…

It will be a wonderful, wonderful mess…

A complicated mess.

But it is your mess so it is beautiful…

Time is running out…

Not only in life but also for this letter. But you have learned this lesson at a young age. So you live your life accordingly.

You only have a minute…

With only sixty seconds in it.

Forced upon me, can’t refuse it.

Didn’t seek it, didn’t choose it.

But it’s up to me to use it.

I must suffer if I lose it.

Give account if I abuse it.

Just a tiny little minute,

but eternity is in it…

That is not yours by the way in case you have gotten senile. It is written by: Dr. Benjamin E. Mays.

So…

So happy birthday my main man…

I hope you will have a wonderful day.

And even many many many years from now you will have even a richer heart.

And also a nicer beard…

Happy Birthday Future Cris…

It will all be fine.

And remember… Love yourself a little bit more. Do your squats. Drink your beers and take your photographs.

Cheers buddy!

From your friend in the present and future and everything in between.

Even in another dimension in time and space…

Kind regards,

Cristian Geelen

P.S. If you like my work and my stories but the regular ways to support me like buying my photographs are not a option for you at this moment. You can always support me through a donation with the donation button.

Donate and support Cris' projects

Edge of Humanity Magazine - Souls of Iran.

Hey all,

Quick little update.

Some of my photographs can now be seen in the Edge of Humanity Magazine from my Souls of Iran series.

The article can be found here.

There will be some other news this week too. Stay tuned for that.

~ Cristian

P.S. I you like my work and my stories but the regular ways are not right at this moment for you. You can always support me though my Ko-fi page.

A fistful of fifties and a day without fear...

Rise above…

Henry Rollins was and is punk rock icon. When he was young he was build like a brick. Loud, and would make you question your own thoughts. Loud and fearless. Exactly what the youth needed in the 70’s/80’s.

After every hard and loud show of his punk band Black Flag he would wait outside and was open to a debate to anyone that didn’t agree with his views or lyrics.

That was a welcoming difference instead of the regular fighting and stabbings that would happen on regular occasions. Or the, back than, metal scene. Not all of the debates ended up in hugging and kissing though…

If I am correct he even got close to the end of his life actually a couple of times.

The band became one of the most important bands in modern punk history. And for me personally I listened to Black Flag a lot. Besides my metal music of course.

I will include a photograph in the bottom of the story of me with my own band.

On a later age Henry Rollins started a new band named the Henry Rollins band, started doing stand-up comedy and spoken word (which is also very good go check it out.). And became a not just a punk icon but also a icon by itself. His raw emotions from his lyrics were tuned so he could transform into grown man with a encyclopedia of life experience and the tooling to get his deep thoughts out. Still with a bit of rawness left.

Punk in the shape of a gentle man.

I put a space between those words with a reason…

I lost track of him for a short while…

Life happened. Discovered new music and bands. Learned to appreciate classical music. And by a twist of fate I ran into a episode of Dürch die nacht mit… (During the night with…).

It is a show where they following two persons for the entire night. Sort of like a date. Only different.

You can see the episode here on Vimeo.

This episode was not only with him but also with Iranian artist, Shirin Neshat.

This specific episode embodied for me the ultimate love story. Two artist from other sides of the world. One outspoken and the other introvert. One raw, and the other delicate. A dance between love and fate waiting to finally find balance. Two parts of a soul to frightened to dare if they can become one.

Every part of the story resonated with me. He told about old love and how she died. Love that didn’t work. She told him about love and pain of hers.

He needs to be a little less stubborn though.

At least that is how the episode was in my mind. Beautiful. But probably to good to be true.

The end of the episode came and as far as I know they never ended up together. That is a shame, but that sometimes how life goes… And love stories don’t always end well…

And was it even a love story?

Or was it even real it all?

Maybe that love story and the energy between those two was just a figment of my imagination….

Intangible love.

A man and woman that were so attracted to each other. But couldn’t have each other…

But what is real?

Are you real?

Am I real?

Is reality real?

It is and was a long introduction to the rest of my story. But I don’t believe in short. I am way too much of a drama queen for that. But who says I cannot create a new reality for myself…

The question of what is real and do we even need real I will answer for myself in the project about my father. First couple of months were mostly finding my groove… What medium I wanted to use as in the film type and developer. And a lot of sketching and trying.

Just shooting is what I need to do and finally you will strike something that seems fitting and you write on like that.

If you are familiar with creating music it is the same as just riffing or playing progressions and chords until you find the voice that you need to tell the story.

Sometimes it takes a long times. Sometimes it goes quickly. But the moment you find it, it becomes magical and you know how to go on. That part happened though.

The beauty is. This project also feels like releasing the shackles that I gave myself focusing on documentary work.

Suddenly there were no rules anymore. And all the things that were in my imagination was allowed to be done. Exploration of life. Death. The universe. Metaphors.

Smoke and mirrors. And even text and a portal I could disappear into towards another world.

My world.

The world of that flying snowman I sometimes talk about. Only more dark, gritty, and emotional.

Reflective but not afraid.

Something she mentioned…

Shirin mentioned in that specific episode “you need a closing of the past to move forward”. And that is what I tend to achieve.

Sometimes I will hear no. Or find some truths that hurt. Or it brings out old emotions. In my photographers notebook I write besides my darkroom times for my prints also some poetry. Some will make it in the project. Some are just for my eyes only. But also while writing those it can be very confronting especially when they are about feelings that I have to admit to myself like a mirror but in words… Things I have missed in my childhood for example.

Other notes are just imaginary stories about adventures we are having. Like the project is intended.

So a closing of the past will be done.

But that is good. It is all done from love and that is what you need to heal. But also to able to make something last. But I have written about that already so many times…

A fistful of fifties and a day without fear…

One of the many things that I have learned traveling to a lot of places in the world is that in the end we all long for the same things. And that it doesn’t matter where you come from.

We all long for hope, love, no pain. To have a good life. We all feel hurt sometimes and angry. And filled with joy. But sadness is a big part of it too.

To have the resources to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. Henry Rollins would say “A fistful of fifties and a day without fear!“ We are all the same human.

This weekend I also had a long talk with my grandmother. She wanted to be a participant in my project. And it would be a great moment to take a portrait of her. And when we were talking she confirmed to me all the things I have just mentioned.

Also I asked her what was the happiest day of her life. And she told me it was the day she got married. So she wanted to be in the photograph with Henk, her late husband.

The photograph you can see on my Ko-fi page.

It is not in it’s final form. And the master print still needs to be made. But hey, sharing something every once in a while can’t hurt.

In the end when the whole project is done I hope to have translated everything into visuals and words. And somehow be able to contribute my part in society and maybe help to translate to each other that we don’t differ indeed that much. That I believe is something that is needed in our current climate. More and more polarization is what you see everywhere. That is not good…

To bring this story to an end….

Ironically I have stopped listening to Black Flag for today. It is past 22:00 and I am getting sleepy… So the crushing vocals are now replaced by Edith Piaf.

No worries Henry. I will be listening to you again later this week again.

Have a good night all…

~ Cristian

P.S. I you like my work and my stories but the regular ways are not right at this moment for you. You can always support me though my Ko-fi page.

And below you will find Cris and the first iteration of his band when he was young.

From let to right. Me, Stefan, Leroy, Sander.

Henry Rollins taken by Anton Corbijn. From the book 1-2-3-4.

Support me on Ko-fi...

Hey everyone,

Not a super long update this time. I am melting away because of the heat wave we are currently experiencing in the Netherlands.

In the meantime what I did manage to do between plenty of shooting was to create a Ko-fi page.

A Ko-fi page a place where you can donate some money to buy a cup of coffee. Or in my case, rolls of film.

You can find the page over here…

I did this because I know there are some people that would love to support me, but don’t have the budget to buy a print. Which I can totally understand.

That is it for now. Back to my ice-cream…

~ Cristian

Diary entry during a pandemic once forgotten... The death of my father... And a flying snowman...

The radio is on…

At least that what we have said years and years ago… But it is just regular old Spotify. No LP’s today.

Fairuz is playing. She is a Lebanese singer which I have just discovered this morning. What a beautiful voice she has. It reminded me of more beauty that I know, so I send it to her…

It also reminded me that I needed to write a little bit again. A sort of a update. Or a story. A glimpse of my mind. A question. A observation. Or maybe all of the above… Just look at it as a diary entry…

Unfortunately writing blog posts is not as romantic as writing a journal. And years and years after I have died my journal is the thing most likely to be found. And not my blog.

Does it matter anyway?

Everything matters…

All of it. All the little bits and pieces in between matter. I love writing. And who knows who is reading this and is interested what goes on in the mind of a artist.

I think I am not really made for creating YouTube videos. And if I would ever do that. I think it is way more important to talk about the art and philosophy of photography instead of gear. And that is all what you see nowadays. Anyways, writing seems just more fitting for me.

So here it is. More writing. Are you ready for the copious amount of text?

I sure am…

Writing sometimes takes me days though. And I don’t know how many days it will take me to finish this story. You can guess more than a few…

There once was a pandemic…

If I look outside the world almost looks like normal again but strangely it isn’t… Borders are opening up in Europe which is nice. So will it be finally time for me to take another trip? I hope so… But where will it be… I want to work more on my current projects. Or maybe even start a new one in a place where I have never gone before. Traveling I miss so much! That is no secret… The places where I want to go are outside of Europe. And they are either still in lock-down now. Or not taking any visitors.

Just be patient, Cris. It will be fine…

Although as a individual I am not afraid of the virus. There are still many things to take into account though.

But again… As I look outside…. The world seems normal again…

But it isn’t…

There is still a pandemic going on…

Do we ever learn…

The pandemic did made me realize it was finally time to start a photo essay about my father. But if you want to read more about that… You need to read just a little bit more of this story.

So in a way “I” learned. Finally a project which I really care about back-home. Finally a project back-home that I love.

And like I always say: Love is the one thing one needs to succeed. And it doesn’t matter what it is… If there is no love. It will not succeed.

But when I look around me. And when I observe as what photographers are supposed to do. Unfortunately I see a lack of love.

That sounds dark. But life is dark. Without darkness there cannot be light. But no worries. I will end with some happiness in the end… Well… Sort off…

It is the ying to the yang. Or the, as above to the, so below.

Countless and countless of humans still chose the life in between. Old patterns. Afraid to take chances. And trying to clinch on to the old.

It should have been a teachable moment….

One would think that something as humongous as a global pandemic would made as change the way we are. But saying it like a Dutch man. We hebben geen reet geleerd. (We didn’t learn shit.).

Still always in a hurry…

You can see it by the traffic lights. It is a prime example how to deal with things. Not waiting for the green. Because one thinks that he or she is so special it doesn’t apply to them.

The human ego what constructs that is also responsible for more extreme things. Because it is always looking to bend it a little bit more…

In the end it is responsible of war and famine. Injustice and racism. And even the whole cancel culture which I despise to the core, is a result of it.

Why do we keep hurting ourselves…

So is the human ego to blame for it all? I don’t know… I philosophize about it a lot. And it also seems that patterns are a big part of it.

Patterns. Nature… Nurture…

It is the reason I guess why people keep stuck in relationships that doesn’t give them happiness. Or keep doing their dead-end job. It is safe. It is everything one knows…

And change is scary…

Yes. Even for me…

And even more so. Change hurts…

A lot!

A pandemic should be the catalyst to finally make the changes we need. From a micro level in ones personal life. To a macro level for the entire globe.

There is some change going on as you can see with all the protest because of the death of George Floyd. But will it be enough? I hope so. But you also see that with every movement there are a lot of people being taken advantage of. Or being used as puppets for another agenda. But that is something that has been going on forever and noticed since I have been studying history books.

Let’s just hope it is all enough. But the main thing is one needs to discover nuance. Life I guess is a lot like Ilford Delta 400. Between black and white there are so many different shades of grey…

Life should be like a movie…

I wish everyone the happiness they deserve in their lives. Whatever that means for them. And the hopeless romantic in me, if he had a magic wand. He would give it to everyone around the globe… I would wave with my wand and say: Hope you find your soulmate. Or smoke your cigar on that yacht if that is your thing. Or ride your motorcycle. Or find that special coffee. Or supermarkets without lines. Or your cabana at the beach.

But that is not how it works…

You are responsible for your own happiness. And that takes a lot courage…

Years and years ago. Or maybe even when I was a little kid I decided for myself that my life deserves to be like a movie. I always had a overactive imagination. I love that so much in me. Is that a weird thing to say? But yes, it indeed involved finding the love of my life. Traveling the world. And telling amazing tales…

So would that be the cure for the world? Living your life like in the movies?

A horror movie would not be a good idea though haha. Just make it a nice one…

But will you promise me to take that chance?

Life is too short not to.

Don not fade away…

Cris! Will you finally tell the part about the project of your dad!

Calm down… Calm down…

It is my story… My journal… My movie…

So behind this keyboard. Or with my pen or camera. I make the rules…

A flying snowman…

So here it goes…

I had a conversation with my sister a couple of weeks back. And we came to the conclusion that we have nothing left of our father. The reason of that I will keep that to myself. But it was heartbreaking for me and my sister nonetheless.

So I had a idea when I was taking a shower. And the idea was that this story could be like a movie too! And I knew the perfect one…

Ever since I was little I was fascinated with a short movie of a flying snowman. Literally called “The Snowman“. I linked the name to the Wikipedia page. And here is a link to the clip of the song “Walking in the air“.

I think most of you who are around my age and grew up in my part of the world are familiar with this song. You may not know it by title. But I bet as soon as you hear the first words you will remember it instantly.

It is the story about a little boy who meets a snowman and goes on a amazing adventure in the night. And flies aaaaalllll over the snowy country side… Meets his snowman friends and plenty of more creatures. But when he wakes up the next morning…

His best friend in the world…. Melted…

The most toughest task ahead…

My father died when I was three years old. I do not have many memories of him. I remember his funeral and how his casket disappeared into the ground vividly. But despite not having to many memories, in my imagination he was my best friend in the world.

So I am creating the memories I have never had with him. We go on a adventure and meet also plenty of beautiful creatures.

It is going to be very conceptual so that is totally new for me. And therefore a challenge. But I am sure I will succeed because it is made out of love. Also it is going to be a very emotional project for me. But that is good. Some parts of me still need to heal. And confronting it is the only way.

And of course it couldn’t be anything else then a adventure. I mean, all of my fathers. My father and my grandfathers were all adventurers. And so am I!

It is going to take a while…

When will it be done… I don’t know… Good photographic projects take a while. And nowadays people think a project that takes three months is long… I can tell you, that is not long… Salgado or Peter Beard would not shy away from years and years of work…

In the world of instant gratification the long term photographic essay seems forgotten. But it is the only way to make a piece of art that will last for generations ahead.

So it will be done when it is done. And when that time has come I will share it with the world. Some people close to me may see sketches. But that is it.

Isn’t it exciting to see a project when it is done instead of all the updates or shots on Instagram? The surprise we be bigger that way. It makes you stare longer at a photograph. Otherwise it will be lost in the abyss in a second… Because it is not new anymore…

Art is made to be experienced in real life anyway…

And maybe…. Just maybe….

Life is to be experienced in real life anyway….

A end to a story… For now that is…

I like drama. I like dramatic movies… Or books… Or music…

The whole feeling of melancholy gives a experience of a beautiful suffering.

I will link the Fairuz songs at the bottom of the post plus one bonus. And two photographs.

But how to end…

To keep it full of drama… A while back I finished a book named “The Memory Police“ bu Yoko Ogawa. She is a amazing writer. And if you don’t like spoilers don’t read further… Because this story may sort of end the same way…

Me. Cristian Geelen… Sitting here with his laptop… Camera next to him.

Writing about love and life… A pandemic…

And slowly he disappears…

First his hands… Than his nose…

His arms and legs…

His lips and his eyes followed…

Until there is nothing left but his voice and his camera…

And even that…

Is what the wind took away…

~ Cristian

The song of Fairuz I was talking about.

This one is bonus because I think it is super beautiful too.

Mini me and my awesome doggie name Ricky. He would protect me from all the evil in the world.

Adult me with his trusty Nikon. Able to squat a horse and about to rip his pants again. Waiting until he can go on adventures…

New prints available.

Hey all,

I already put this message up on Instagram. But if you read it here instead, all kudos to you.

I have put some new prints in my web shop ready to be sold.

All of those prints are made on Fomatone warmtone fiber archival paper and hand printed by the artist. Me.

Blood, sweat, and tears in the darkroom. So this is not CTRL+P work.

Also they are signed and dated.

Shipping can be done worldwide and will be send with tracking.

So if you are interested. You can find the print section here.

Small side-note:

Somehow I find this important to mention…

I know they seem expensive. But actually they are under-priced.

With all the images on the internet and mainly platforms like Instagram, it seems a little bit lost on why a print cost what they cost. And even prints made from digital files take a lot of work.

You have of course not only the craftsmanship where you pay for. People have dedicated a huge portion of their lives on perfecting it. Travel costs. Cost of material. Artists have to pay taxes too. Etc etc etc…

The end resultant is a product that will last multiple lifetimes…

That is it for now…

And hope everyone is safe in this crazy world at the moment.

~ Cristian

Playing with color...

I am a lover…

I am a lover of Black and White photography…

If I had to pick my soul apart and examine that little bit that is responsible for photography you will find out it will consist out of bit and pieces of Ilford Delta 400 or HP5+ and Kodak Tr-X. DDX and HC110.

But in that whole mess of Black, White, and all the shades of grey, there is a secret part that loves color.

Seduced by the wonderful tones of Steve McCurry and his Kodachrome. A mistress of the vibes of William Eggleston. Or a unspoken connection with the works of Harry Gruyaert.

So got myself some rolls of color film. Just because I felt like it!

I have got my hand on some Cinestill 50D and Kodak Ektar. And luckily for a short while there was no shortage of light. Did some casual roaming around. And had no real structure whatsoever. Just photographed everything that peaked my interest. I mean, I will be traveling in a couple of weeks again to work more on my ever evolving Israel project. So casual and just having fun is all I needed for now.

And it was fun! I mean, everyone knows that shooting analog is always a surprise. And way more difficult than digital. Also you don’t have the luxury of your back screen. But in comparison to Black and White you have to think in color.

So I tried to look for some colorful scenes and just clicked away.

Because most of the all color that I did shot lately was digital I was quite excited! So curious what the end results was... I was particularly excited for the Kodak Ektar. No specific reason. I just love the vibe of it, if that is reason enough. I am not very good at describing color pallets…

Me and my big bucket…

Since I do all of my developing myself I developed these rolls myself too. And in comparison to Black and White development I actually think color is more easy. With Black and White you can influence a lot by tweaking your entire developing process. From agitation to different developers and all of it you can think of. With color it is more straightforward and you can fuck less up.

The biggest challenge with color I think is getting everything to 38 degrees Celsius.

If you have followed my Instagram stories of that day. You might have noticed I have used a nifty little trick for that… If you are curious. Well… I guess you just have to follow my Instagram stories in the future to find that out haha.

Pushing it…

No this is not a reference to a Salt-N-Pepa song. But I did pushed it real good! To 400 to be exact. I think I only shot one roll at box speed. That was one of the cinestills’. But since I always like to push it, and 50 and 100 ASA is really not enough. I was like; screw it! Crank it up!

Added 30 seconds per stop to the developing time and it all went down as smoothly as a nice IPA on a sunny day. Or any other day…

Happy as a camper…

When I scanned the results I was indeed happy as a camper. It all looked wonderful and especially the reds really seem to stand out. This is why I shoot film… The smile on my face when you get the rolls out of your tank and seeing you film dry and after that the end result in an beautiful image. Or a sucky one when you screw up haha.

I would have loved to print some, but at home I can only do Black and White printing. I will look at that process maybe at a later time.

Wrapping it up…

Not wanting to make thing one a too long of a post, so I am going to wrap it up. Like I wrote in the beginning, I am about to work on my project again in a couple of weeks. And I need to get everything ready. So here are a couple of images of the rolls. Not all of them, otherwise there is noting left to share at a later moment…

So thank you for reading. And since you have made it this far. Here are the images.

- Cristian

Kodak Ektar 100 EI 400.

CInestill 50D EI 400.

Kodak Ektar 100 EI 400.

Cinestill 50D EI 400.

Cinestill 50D EI 400.

Cinestill 50D EI 400.

Cinestill 50D.

Kodak Ektar 100 EI 400.

Kodak Ektar 100 EI 400.

Andante - Portrait series of the soul. No 2. - Reham

Andante…

Or in other words… Slow…

A musical term that means slow. And also the name of my portrait series.

I found it on the cover of an vinyl LP record I inherited from my father and the music on it was exactly how I felt. And even represents a side of me. Of course I have a happy side. But my other one is full of romance, love, sadness and melancholy. I embraced it and love it very much.

The name: Symphonie Espagnole, Op. 21 IV. Andante.

I wrote about it in an earlier blog post which you can find here.

Time…

For me it represents time… When you are doing something you like or love and are having a good time it flies by, and when you are going through hardship or have to wait for something it goes as slow as it can be. But time is only to spend once…

That’s why it is so valuable.

Reham…

This portrait series I just want to do by gut feeling. And that is how I choose the person I ask to photograph. I was thinking for a long time about whom I could make my second part of the series with. Than at one moment, I woke up in the morning I was thinking about Reham. I knew I wanted to photograph her for a long time but the puzzle pieces never connected until now.

Reham is a beautiful young soul of Palestinian descent that was born in Syria as a refugee but was unable to reuturn home. From Syria she went to Dubai, Lebanon, Egypt, and Turkey, before eventually ending up here in the Netherlands. Now studying computer science at one of the best universities of our country.

She is one smart cookie.

I’ve met her during a diner named “Diner voor gelukzoekers“ (Diner for fortune seekers) a couple of years a go hosted by Roos. The woman in the first version of this series. Everything is connected.

My process….

So how does that translate to my photography? Well… As you can see in the first one. It is full of people passing by as souls. And in this one… Trying to capture it. This through a medium of analog film instead of digital. A slower process of manual focusing and metering and developing it myself. Also, during that slowness I wanted to capture more…

I wanted to capture her power!

Her heart.

And eventually her soul…

A young powerful woman that is youthful and experienced at the same time. So after a couple of hours wandering through her hometown I think we succeeded. And during the editing process I ended up with four frames which I thought that would show everything perfectly.

What EI I shot it at or which film I used is not important. Except maybe that I always use Ilford for everything. With some exceptions of course. Other than that giving someone a safe space to open up is way more important.

The rest is not only film chemistry, but chemistry between you and the soul you are photographing.

So hereby…

So hereby. My second part of Andante - Portrait series of the soul.

- Cristian

Women's March 2019

Hey everyone!

Last Saturday I walked alongside thousands of inspirational women and men who support their cause for equal rights and so much more!

Of course I brought my camera’s and documented the day. Shot some digital. And shot some analog. And the scanning is still not done yet. But here is what I can share at this moment. And when the scanning is done I will either update this post or make a new one.

Hopefully my photographs can be of assistance to the path of equality…

- Cristian

Digital vs Analog, Israel, testing stuff, and other project updates.

Hey everyone!

This blog post is not really a dedicated story about something particular. But more of a quick sum up of everything that is going on. I will address my photography and I will be addressing a little bit of my travel plans and projects that I am preparing.

So I am putting on some Tool (The band) and just write away!

And at the end some images… And yes. Even some color… As a reward for reading through everything haha.

That analog life…

If you have been following me you probably noticed that I am getting more and more into analog photography. Not that there is anything wrong with digital, but I just think it is tons of fun!

For everything is a time and a place though.

It started out with just pure curiosity. How it works, and aesthetically it is just amazing. For me there are too many variables in digital photography if you are really into the whole mega post-processed stuff. But I am more of a documentary photographer anyway. So it is not that bad. But I remembered when I started and before I have found my voice photographically the amount of stuff what you can do and achieve are almost limitless. That can be a advantage… But for me… It is not… The less of distractions in my gear the better.

With analog I pick a film that goes with my subject matter. Of course you need to do some post processing. That part is not different. Unlike some people like to believe. But your base is just different. And because of that I can focus more on my composition instead of being a Lightroom warrior.

Sitting in a Ferrari…

The fun thing is. After you have shot analog for a while as soon as I grab my digital camera it feels like I am sitting in a Ferrari. Everything goes so quickly! You can review what you are doing, not to worry about a full roll, auto focus all of sudden… Man! Like a hot knife though butter!

I already mentioned this once before. But every-time it gives me more and more respect of the photographers from the golden age and all of my heroes. In comparison shooting analog is just goddamn difficult!

Shades of grey…

The world is not black and white like photographs, but situations are as grey as they come. Same in the case of photography. And specifically; what do I bring on my upcoming project…

I will be traveling to Israel and the Palestinian territories again at the end of April. Continuing with my everlasting story I want to tell.

And despite I want to shoot most of it analog. The thing that is going through my mind is.

Is it practical?

If you have ever been to for example Jerusalem. The amount of detectors you have to go though is enormous. And the last thing I want is that my film is getting screwed up by all the scanners and stuff. Of course on the airport you can ask for hand checks. And as you have read in my Vietnam and China blog, it is not really a problem. But I just don’t want to take the risk. Because if I lost any of my images again I definitely get a heart attack or something. It happened already to me last year and, I don’t want to happen it again.

In the end my heart will probably kick my brains ass and I will bring digital and analog anyway.

Lomography…

Speaking of grey… I have been picked by Lomography to test their new Postdam Kino 100 film. From what I have seen it looks like an amazing film. It is inspired by old German cinema. And from the images I have seen what they have shot I am actually really curious what it will give me.

The only thing is, because it is 100 ASA I need a lot more sunlight. And the Netherlands is still grey…

But as soon as I shot it I will dedicate a blog post to it. So stay tuned for that…

Developing stuff…

Lately I have written a lot about developing. Especially on Instagram. And filming it to and such. But I am trying to keep it on my own blog to a minimum.

The whole reason for that…

I just want this about the art of photography and my adventures. Projects I am doing. And even maybe a sort of diary with things that come to my mind. Not one of the many gear or technical blog that are out there.

I am a photographer first. The rest is just bonus…

I do like I said, share that stuff in my Instagram. That whole platform is as contemporary as it can be. It has it’s uses. So that seems like the right place for that.

Also you probably will on some guest blogs that I am going to write. And have written already. You can find one on 35mmc. I have written a 5 frames with. Go check it out if you like! Click here.

There are also some other ones in development. But I will let you all know as soon as that will materializes.

Searching for stories…

After I return from Israel and the Palestinian territories and processed all of my work I will be looking for another place to travel to. No idea which one yet. But I am doing plenty of research. Nepal, Papua New-Guinea and Uzbekistan are on my list. But it always can change.

I am open for suggestions though. So if you have some. The comment section is open, so you can always drop a comment if you want.

The stipulation is. I do need to have a story to tell. The main focus is that I want to steer my work towards that I create more depth in my images. Not only with composition. But also ,it needs to be about something. Otherwise it will be just one of the many millions out there. I need to get out of that street photography flow and more into my documentary photo-journalistic flow.

So I am looking for events that are happening. Some special festivals. Tribes or (sub)cultures. It’s a difficult task. But hey, if you want that your work means something…

Ramble on…

Not the famous song of Led Zeppelin, but this time it is me that is starting to ramble again. So it is time to close the lid of my laptop and go to bed. Because I am finishing this story up on a Saturday night…

Oh!

And I bought a “new“ enlarger for my darkroom. Time to print!

Alright. This really was it. For now at least!

- Cristian

Ilford Delta 400

Ilford Delta 400

One of my few color shots lately.

And another color one.

The monkeys did it! - My days in Varanasi, India...

I’ve been home a couple of weeks now…

My Instagram feed make you want to believe otherwise because I am still posting photographs of India. But hey! Why not! I just created a lot of work over there that I wanted to share.

Trying…

I’ve been trying to write this blog post ever since the day I have returned home. But you know… Life… Ha! I always was surprised why some photographer seem to only update their blog every once in a while. But trying to juggle a lot of things all at once makes me realize the reason why that happens…

But! For now I have some me time again. So that means going through about 3000 photographs which I took in India of course. Writing my blog. And also, thinking about a way to present my work. In real life that is… Not digitally. As many people know I hate looking at photographs in the digital form. You need to hold them.

But like always I digress…!

Back to India!

I landed in Delhi like most people do. Around midnight I got my backpack from the luggage carousel, and oh so fucking tired of the flight I stepped outside looking for my driver…

I’ve been lucky to see much of this world already. And when I was doing my research my first reaction was. Aaaaaah the chaos in India is probably not as intense as they say it is!

Well I can tell you… It is!

Even in the middle of the night it was so busy everywhere… The busiest city I have seen so far was Tehran, Iran. But that one seems orderly in comparison to the chaos when you arrive in Delhi…

It was warm, humid, and dusty…

I stayed a couple of days in Delhi. I’m not really a fan of big cities. But it would be a shame if I just flew to Varanasi immediately.

I guess Delhi was a good way to acclimatize to the moist and heat, but mainly all of the honking… I still have some nightmares about the honking! I really needed those days because nothing else could prepare me more than Varanasi itself…

In Delhi i roamed mostly around the old city. Which is nice… The light is good, the dust creates some nice looks. And plenty of people and scenes to creates some nice images and warm up. And of course plenty of street food!

The only thing you need to look out for is crooked tuktuk drivers and touts. But other than that… Just roam around, eat plenty, and have fun.

The culture shock that is Varanasi…

I took a domestic flight to Varanasi. I wanted to go by train, but with all the hassle I had to go through with the new website that the Indian railways has got, and I wasn’t planning to let fate decide this trip what kind of train seat I would have. It seemed like a good idea!

Don’t get me wrong. I do think if you have plenty of time you really need to take the train! It will probably be a adventure by itself…

Varanasi was even warmer. And when my driver picked me up from the airport I guess it was roughly an hour drive to the city. For everyone who reeds this. A tuktuk will also get you there and is more fun and cheaper. And you don’t get any tricky questions if you want to upgrade to an airco one haha.

As soon as you arrive the chaos begins. Varanasi is so busy! Especially when I arrived… It was a holiday. Gandhi Jayanti. So a lot of Indian people travel to the city to do their rituals in the Ganges.

Being in Delhi first did indeed prepared me a little bit for everything. The business… Chaos… And the honking! My god! When will the honking ever stop!

The honking is being used as some sort of echo location to see if someone is close by or something. Even in the tiniest streets, motorbikes will try to go through the crowds and honk their way onwards…

As soon as I arrived in the guest house I was staying I started to explore. With my trusty camera of course. There is no better way than just dive right in!

Gear…

BTW, if you read this, and you are a camera nerd, and the chance of that might be quite big…You are most likely interested in which gear I brought. Well that is a very short list…

It was a Fujifilm X100F. A Fujifilm X-Pro 2 with just one 23mm lens. (35 mm equivalent ). And plenty of batteries and memory cards. That was it! I din’t even need the batteries because if you learn to turn off your camera yourself it lasts longer and is quicker ready to shoot, than it gets out of sleep mode…

In the end I only used the X100F. And no regrets…

So screw the gear!

I started at the main ghat. Ghats is what makes Varanasi, Varanasi I guess… It is the heart and the soul of the city. And those are the places where life happens…

The main ghat was so busy! I felt like I was in an ant hill… But it was really interesting to see all the rituals and traditions going on…

It was not the place for me though. For me the most interesting moments happened when I was roaming between the most southern ghat ( Assi Ghat ) and just right before the main ghat.

You can go even more northern. But somehow it was less appealing to me.

And also a small but not less important. The ghats were covered in mud! There has been a flood. And there was mud everywhere… So that gave it’s own challenges… There was a huge cleanup operation going on that made for some interesting scenes. Even lost my shoe, and found it back again. And became for me a big part of the story of the city.

My own rituals…

I created my own rituals there. For me that was roaming between the ghats I just mentioned. Walking a little, stopping for chai, and walking some more.

One morning when it still was before sunrise I continued my roaming between the ghats, and at one moment I got the questions for the thousands of time; “Boat Sir?“

Until now, I always replied no while shaking my head. But this time he even proposed a descent price. Still a little bit more than the local price. But when you travel you need to have the “fuck it“ attitude and just see what happens… And so I did…

I got in the boat. The boatman came and go, and than came again… I thought it was time to finally to go but than another passenger came out of nothing.

The other passenger and I started talking and he turned out to be a professor from Pune, that is close to Mumbai. A super friendly man which gave some interesting insights about the country and city which I otherwise I would have missed or not have known.

We ended up having lunch together and a day later diner and even introduced me to a friend of his. And also drove on a motorcycle with three people at once.

Another thing he introduced me too was lemon tea in the Assi ghat. It is not like Chai or regular tea. But it is tea with salt… The first sip was a bit weird. But after the second one I was hooked! The lemon tea later became a part of my ritual and I even made a lemon tea budget in one of my many pockets haha.

And professor. If you happen to read this blog post. Thank you for everything and your great care. And I mean that form the bottom of my heart. Kind people like you is what makes traveling so special. :-)

The story continues…

The more I roamed around the more I got to know the city. Which is a good thing… You learn what makes the city sort of tick. You start to see the light. You learn what most import is to you and your photographs. And you even get to know the people that live there. The touts started to leave me alone. Compared my muscles with some of the guys who thought they were strong. Chai break here, Chai break there, Chai break everywhere!

Talking about strong…

My physique helps me in a lot of ways… I am not a body builder so I am not huge. I am a weightlifter which is a big difference! It does not make you look bulky. You just get big legs and you look like you can lift a house. But that is a different story haha.

And this time too. One of the mornings I arrived at one of the Kushti training centers. For people who don’t know what Kushti is. Kushti is an traditional form of Indian wrestling which goes back even way before 0 BC. Here is a link to the wikipedia page.

My main goal was to do some photography over there. And it was a important item on my shot list. But I started talking to one of the wrestlers. And as soon as I mentioned that I was a weightlifter I needed to join!

How can I refuse?

So I didn’t even hesitate and joined.

I got introduced to the head coach and, and as soon as the area was made ready to train, I joined the prayer, and was ready to go. The wrestler told me what to say during they prayer. Trained with some of there equipment. Did some grappling. And got a massage and a good cracking from the head coach. Did need to take a little break to still get my shots in haha.

The equipment they use reminds me of the Persian house of strength or Zurkhaneh. Especially the clubs and hammers.

They are such a wonderful people. As soon as the training was done I got invited to join the next day again.

The monkeys did it!

I always talk about my monkey mind. But these monkeys were not in my mind. There are in the streets and on the roof. Now isn’t that really such a strange thing. But somehow the monkeys over here have a little more of a jerk factor than everywhere else.

During the evenings I made some phone-calls back home and every-time there was a huge monkey sitting above the roof entrance playing with his balls and looking at my phone… That bastard wanted to have his own… But it is mine man!

Their assholeness is fuel for some funny conversations though. I will never forget the shop own who complained about that the monkeys broke his Wi-Fi. Or the little kids who where cursing at the monkeys because they their kite. And I asked them; Are the monkeys nice? And their reply was with their sweetest voice; No, monkeys not nice…

It is really refreshing though to see kids playing with kites and chasing monkeys and be happy with it.

My bridge. And a message to other photographers…

I am not talking about a physical bridge. But I am talking about a philosophical one… And one I want to make and connect to my previous stories and my message to photographers.

And maybe not even photographers but everyone in general…

It is all about making connections!

I am not kidding! One of the things that got me triggered were a couple of remarks that were something like; “Hey you are in India, it must be really so easy to get some good photographs!”

That actually rubbed the wrong way…

If you really think like that, why are you photographing?

The things that make photographs special and timeless, are the emotions and the stories you are capturing. If it wasn’t for the kids on the roof, the professor, the Kushti wrestlers, and later a buffalo herder which I talked for hours with on the waterfront of the Ganges. I wouldn’t have gotten my shots in. And besides that. You still need to think about composition and such!

This is what makes your photographs tell stories. You are dealing with real human beings, with a heart! And a soul! And emotions! Yes India is a photography friendly country… And very photogenic. But still…

Otherwise you are just doing graphical design with a camera.

So treat humans as humans… Not as subjects…

You are not in a zoo (And I don’t even like zoos)…

Talk to some people… It will make you richer in ways that you would have never have imagined….

And even when you are not a photographer. Traveling is still about connections. The laughter and joy. The stories you come back home with… Not the Instagram likes…

Rant over… Back to the fun stuff. Like getting sick for a day.

I wanted to train Kushti again but all out of nothing I felt sick. It came out of nowhere! I guess no one is safe for some sort of bug here. Especially with our fragile European bodies.

I needed some healthy stuff. And maybe some food that reminds me of home. So after some Google’ig I have found the brown bread bakery.

What a delight!

It is a nice place where they sell some European sandwiches, nice teas, and lots of smoothies!

When I was there eating my Gouda sandwich I met an amazing couple. Tobias and Isabelle. Isabelle is from the Netherlands too, and Tobias is from the UK if I am correct. And with my camera on the table it didn’t take long the conversation went towards photography. And especially analog.

It turns out that they were making a documentary film purely shot on analog film. That is so cool! They went to so many places already and now they were shooting in Varanasi.

Go check their Instagrams out! You can find Tobias here. And Isabelle here.

The flu like symptoms went away as quickly as it came. And I was going on my way again. We said goodbye. Exchanged Instagram’s. And for me it was back to photography.

Wrapping it up! For now…

I still have so many stories to tell… But maybe I will tell them later.

It is about time I will round this blog post up…

India is an amazing country. Despite the chaos, honking, slipping on cow poo, the monkeys, and the famous Delly Belly… Yes, I was also a victim haha.

The food. The nice people. The culture. Everything!

In the future I will return to see the rest of the country. There is no question about that…

For now. There is a little bit less than two months left in 2018. And if you have come this far in reading this blog post. First of all… Thank you for that.

Also…

Maybe some of you can help me with some future destinations! I opened up the comments of this post because of that.

The reason I ask is because I have to my own surprise some extra time to travel in December. And the destinations is not set yet…

So which part of this beautiful earth would you like to see me document?

Until next time…

- Cristian

Make A Wish...

Hey everyone,

Two weeks a go I was privileged to be part of such an beautiful day with a lot of beautiful people.

It was the day the wish was granted for a lovely little woman named Emma by the Make-A-Wish foundation.

The Make-A-Wish foundation is a organization that makes a hearts wish come true of children from the ages of three to eighteen. All the information about the organization you can find here. And if you can support the organization in one way or the other please do. They need all the help they can get. They have such a beautiful mission.

Her wish was they she could have a froze themed day, and learn how to photograph from a real photographer and have a photo shoot at the same time together with her sister. She and her sister and parents got picked up in the morning by u giant pink limousine.

After that, it was off to get dressed in some beautiful dresses and having a nice big piece of pie. After the pie make-up and hair was done. After that it was on their way to Castle Warmelo.

At that moment I joined the day.

Horses were ridden. We walked through the Castle gardens. Cameras were explained. And a lot of smiles were seen. Which made me very happy.

Normally my stories are longer. But a photograph always says more than a thousand words. So I have chosen five of my favorite photographs of the day which you can see below. 

Thank you so much I could be part of the special day and share the day with your wonderful family. And of course thank you that I could write and share a little story about it.

Nothing About Us Without Us. Syrian refugees. And a human rights organization named Kompass.

Hey all!

No deep philosophical blog post today but a short and sweet one.

I shot the event "Nothing about us without us".

Because of refugee day, human rights organization Kompass organized a meet-up for 15 new young Syrian leaders and also refugees to take the stage. After a crash course in leadership they were now ready to face the public and tell their stories.

The 15 young leaders represent the diversity of Syria, and its diaspora, and overcame the memories of conflict and war. Not only that but also addressing the current state of the labor market, integration, mental health, and a possible future return to their country. By making their voices heard, they contribute to making the Netherlands an even more beautiful place. 

You can find out more about the human rights organization Kompass over here.

*Click on the sides of the gallery to cycle through it.

Did Instagram kill photography?

I woke up this morning...

Thank god...

Because I like waking up!

The smell of incense was still hanging around from last nights meditation... Sun was a shining a bit on my face because I left the curtains a bit open... And my mind went to photography again...

Because I like photography...

Cup of coffee was made... Went back to bed... And turned on my iPad...

Grateful...

In comparison to most parts of the world where I travel to, people don't have the luxury waking up like this...

I started watching "The many lives of William Klein." and Daido Moriyama's "Near Equal.". If you aren't familiar with those photographers go look them up! And make that your main task today...

I let my mind wander... Thinking... Always thinking...

Because I like thinking...

And my monkey mind is always jumping from one place to the other. In this case to a quote from another legend, Elliot Erwitt. "Digital Manipulation kills photography".

Altough I don't completely agree. Because photographs have always been manipulated! Either in the darkroom or in the digital darkroom that is stationed on your computer.

He does have a point!

My monkey mind was going insane again. But it ain't all that bad...

Because I like my monkey mind...

How does Instagram fit into all of this? And what is Instagram actually? And what if William Klein was born when Instagram existed? or Daido Moriyama?

Valid questions... But more so. It gave me also the opportunity to think about the way how the general public uses Instagram. Or any other piece of social media. Or hell! Even how we treat everyday life.

As where I stand now the platform itself is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

Let me elaborate on that.

The positives are quite big actually. It gives any person in the world the opportunity to get their message out there. Either it is music, art, views, or whatever. It can help you build a audience that you otherwise would not have. The whole world at your fingertips! As long as you have a internet connection and a phone or a computer.

Awesome right?

The downside is... Well... us... The people...

Wait wut? What do you mean Cristian!?!?

Well like a lot of things in life it has become more of a popularity contest. We as a species at this moment, and yes I am realizing I am generalizing heavily now, seem to have to attention span of a goldfish! Actually I believe that science already proved that it is even less now...

We choose to get triggered by stuff that is catchy. We see it in our politics, how we communicate with each other, or we rather take a pill to lose weight than change our diet. And even rather send a text than have a telephone conversation because it is scary...

Same goes for art and Instagram.

For me a great photograph is something that you have to analyze... You can lose yourself into... Let yourself escape from reality... Or experience reality more vivid... It is really one big visual story one way or the other. Either it is the traveling tales of Steve McCurry or being in some sort of photographic version of the horror movie the ring and a playboy magazine with Daido's work.

And how does that translate to a medium like Instagram?

Well no worries I will come to that. Life is one big story! And...

Because I like telling stories...

Well, look closely how you scroll through your feed? Maybe another assignment for today?

I goes something like this....

Scroll scroll scroll, Like , Scroll, Like, Comment, Scroll scroll...

And all of that in a couple of seconds...

Did you actually see some of the photographs?

Or did you just got triggered by something catchy?

Would you have the same behavior if you go through a Steve McCurry book?

I think it is a good question to ask yourself. Especially if you consider yourself a photographer, a artist, or just a art lover in general.

That does not mean there isn't a time and a place for the platform. I discovered some amazing photographers who made the platform their own. But it creates some sort of unexplainable distance between one type of photographer and the other. You even got a term "Instagram photographer". Like that a person that uses the platform apparently in a efficient form isn't a real photographer?

I don't know... 

I think photographers that both are on the platform and are not on the platform or maybe less successful on it, are photographers. So hmmmm it can be part of my conclusion...

All I know is I don't like trends... And most of my photographic heroes where from a time that it did not exist. I don't like cropping. Don't like shitty small screens but I do like to print my photographs big. And I don't like it when we fall in the trap of instant gratification. Either it is enjoying art or interacting with humans...

Because I like art and I like humans...

And do we have to copy all the big accounts all the time?

On the other hand I also do realize that times always change. And you either adapt or you die out. And change is good. Altough not always... But sometimes.

And a picture is a picture. It does not matter what tool you use. So should that also count for the medium we use how to show it to the world?

But what I do believe is that whatever medium we use. We do need to stop, and appreciate the art for what it is. Give ourselves the time to enjoy it. Stop a bit longer at the photograph you like and stop scrolling, or walking, or turning the pages...

Enjoy it for what it is.... A story...

Food for thought...

Speaking about food... I am going to have a bite....

Because I like food...

Have a nice weekend you all...

- Cristian

The most awesome publication... A cover in Iran.

Couple of day a go ...

Woke up... Made some very nice fresh coffee... Read some news...

Than the doorbell rang!

It was the package delivery service. I knew there was something on it's way. I just won a old vintage Scott receiver at a online auction. So I expected that one... But surprised as I could be, the delivery guy had two packages for me!

The receiver was all cool and stuff. But as soon as I noticed the second package and saw the stamps on the envelop I knew what it was.

It was my copy of the magazine I got published in from Iran!

Mehdi, the creator of the magazine contacted me a while a go if he could use one of my photographs I took in the Nasir Al-Mulk mosque in Shiraz. To be specific, it was the one with the lady with the gown.

I agreed and some time went by. He said to me he would send me a copy. But with the whole embargo thing going on I didn't expect anything. Maybe the government would hold it or something. I don't know.

But it arrived!

So screw the amp!

I guess I don't have to tell how cool it is to see your work published. Let alone in a magazine in Iran. But a little hint. Getting a magazine out there goes a little bit different over there than here in the west and is a bit more difficult.

Mehdi did a beautiful job and the magazine is about arts and culture. I even got the cover!

He translated some articles for me. And even within the package he included some prints of his province where he lives. Borujerd...

Of course it would be amazing to be on the cover of National Geographic one day... But this... man... I guess for me it is even way cooler.

Anyways! It made me very happy!

I put some photos below if you want to have a look.

P.S.

The receiver is awesome too. Listening to my records while I am writing...