Dante 2021

Hey everyone,

Some of you may have seen it on social media but I totally forgot to update my blog/news page. But I will be part of the upcoming book about Dante Alighieri! That is so coooooool!

Not only I am a hopeless romantic that made me day dream all day about the Devine Comedy, but the one of my first inspirations ever in the visual arts are the Illustrations by Gustave Doré.

He made an huge impact on me and I like to believe that sometimes that is visible in some of my photographs.

Below is a statement about the news of the book and you can find more info on this link.

The Dante 2021 project, conceived by dotART together with the Municipality of San Daniele del Friuli, will involve Italian and foreign photographers in a collective tribute to Dante Alighieri on the occasion of the 700th anniversary of his death. The photographic volume will boast an introduction by Piero Boitani, Emeritus Professor of Comparative Literature at Sapienza University of Rome. Professor Angelo Floramo, scientific consultant of the Guarneriana Library of San Daniele del Friuli, will supervise the book.

So that is some great news! If I have more information about it I of course will share it.

~ Cristian

Winter tea in summer…

I experiment with words sometimes.

My mind is always running in overdrive so when I can’t take photographs I work on some poetry. Yes I am one of thoooosseee guys.

Not necessarily autobiographical.

Sometimes it is… Sometimes it isn’t…

Sometimes it is a combination of both and let the fictional and the real intertwine.

Past or present. Or just some observations…

What I wrote and do share is also not like the the three words Instagram haiku shit or for people with short attention spans. You actually have to read.

Anyways…

This is “Winter tea in summer…“

It needs to be tweaked a little but I have been writing it since last night.

I woke up this morning
Same position as I fell asleep

When I tried to get up I wanted to clear my eyes
I rubbed and I rubbed

It didn't work
It didn't make any sense as well

It all was gone... Disappeared same as my eyes
My lips... My ears... My nose...

I am not me anymore...

When I got out of bed I tried not to wake you
It was time to go

So I got up and turned the kettle om
and grabbed a pen..



Why does poetry or letters always has to about sex?
Let them be about love, the lack of love, or no love at all...

Or about the time I was excited to meet you for the first time
Or the moment when I realized I was just with you because I feared to be alone

The time when we got drunk and it felt right to kiss you
But I didn't because it didn't feel right as well

That's how I figured it out...



A combination of tears and ink smudged the paper as I wrote down my feelings
I don't hate you, I don't! I swear...

Your heart will not believe that for sure
But it is the right thing to do

You deserve someone who truly loves you
I deserve someone I truly love

Let’s not be one of those couples that you see hurting from a distance
One of those couples you see there is something wrong but you just can’t put your finger on it

You can see it in their shadows that have a life of their own
Shadows that have coffee and kiss the other dark mess they have always been searching for



It seemed my fingers and hands had a life of their own as well
As I wrote down the last words while I took a sip of my tea

I made some winter tea in summer…

It all came back again
As soon as I closed the envelope

My eyes
My lips... My ears... My nose...

When I got out of the door I tried to clear my eyes
From some tears

And just
because it was a hard good bye


~ Winter tea in summer

Opening Reception Mono - Kromatik Praxis Arts Center.

Besides father’s day last weekend was also the opening of the group exhibition Mono - Kromatik at the Praxis Gallery and Photo Arts Center in Minneapolis Minnesota, US which I am part of with my photograph: “There was a moment when you asked me…”.

The exhibition is from June 19th until July 3rd 2021 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. In the United States.

So if you are from that area have a look around. :)

Happy father's day, dad. A letter to you...

Dear dad,

Today is father’s day… I think I have never knowingly experienced this day with you ever. I was of course three years old since you have left and went to heaven. I remember that day so vividly…

But today I am writing you a letter and will put it in the mailbox I have found in one of the so many portals I have created. It most likely will work, I am confident about that that…

Ghost stamps and spirit envelops is all a man needs.

I was thinking long and hard…

I was thinking long and hard what to write you but I just decided to go with the flow. Why not right? It is summer anyway and since a while now I have created the habit of waking up early… Don’t know where that is coming from because I used to love sleeping in. Maybe it is the result of becoming a man instead of a boy and it was supposed to happen anyway.

Anyway… I was awake at 05:00 because the suns is started to rise and I like the morning light shining on my face. Got me some coffee (It was coffee from Yemen, and it is amazing!), put up some music and just ticked away at my keyboard and sometimes taking a bite out of some crackers that miraculously made it to my face.

So what will I write to you about…

I have no idea where to start dad! Oef there so many things… From that my life is literally one of the strangest stories ever, to that I am waiting for my first large format camera. About unanswered love. Or that I was worried that friends I have made all over the world are now dealing with war which fucking sucks but I am totally powerless to do anything about it. Oh and today I am fixing my motorbike! Finally! It has been standing still for more than a year… I love riding, but too much going on which is more important to give it the proper time and attention it needs. I will sell it when it is fixed.

I don’t know man…

Life is complicated by itself already and now I have to put things into words… I am curious how you would have handled situations like this yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t even think about stuff like in that way…

Maybe were wouldn’t even be that close if you were still alive.

That is a question I ask myself a lot. My life would have been totally different if you would be still here. Or not, we of course never know. But it is a plausible scenario.

Most likely I would have never met the people that I have met and I like to believe that there is a reason why I have met all of them. And the ones that stayed, I kinda like them. Especially one. Who knows… One day I’ll introduce you to her… And I would not want to have never met them. They are amazing.

So in a strange way. It all happened for a reason and that you are not here does not mean you are not here. And I had to meet all those people.

So what more do you write in a ghost letter?

I think about another question a lot and that is who am I when the healing is done?

Healing is not only a Amsterdam hipster term used by white girls who white-wash Yoga and culturally appropriate things from the Southern Americas.

No actual healing.

I have the answer though. And the answer is: Just Cris.

And that is enough.

I have found my the things that I stand for in life. My values and norms. And they calibrate bit by bit the more you learn as a man. Same as goals, hopes, and dreams.

But also that I never give up in what I strive for.

Work my butt off.

Admit when you are wrong. And put time and energy in the ones that you love.

So I guess what I am saying, Dad. It feels that I have finally become a man. With all it’s flaws and quirks. But can genuinely say that I am happy in who I have become and who I will change into. And my photography project is not made out of pain. But meant more in the way to give it a place. I am already whole. And most importantly:

I am happy.

And in a way I have to thank you for that.

Alright dad. Gotta go. My buddy is here with his wrenches. We need to go fix some motorbike stuff.

Happy father’s day!

~ Cristian

Portrait of Tom de Haan

A while back I have taken the portrait of Tom de Haan who is the city pastor of the city of Haarlem in the Netherlands.

It took me a while to finish it because I wanted to marinade the contact sheet for a while in my mind, and at a later stage how I was going to print it.

But after getting all of that out of the way, four months later it is done.

Printed on silver gelatin Bergger fiber warmtone paper and retouched by hand. Not with photoshop of course.

Opening reception at the PH21 gallery.

Hey all,

Opening reception for the monochrome exhibition at the PH21 Gallery in Budapest will be on June 3rd at 18:00. Will be an online one since, well, those pesky things that is making the entire globe still sick.

Hope the next one will be a in person one again haha.

~ Cristian

Photographs are not always about the photograph...

Photographs are not always about the photograph…

I was picking up a freshly baked bread this morning and I was thinking about a photograph I made. It was far from a mind blowing one, but I just liked it.

Photographs are not always about the photograph you know.

In this case it was a catalyst just to write and arrange some words.

And that is fine.

And that’s all…

I am not afraid of death
Only what comes before it

The chances we didn't take
The life we did not chose

Afraid of those two hands
Slowly moving on that platter of that old Victorian clock

A bit too fast
A bit too slow

With luck
Or without

If a bird took me away and forced me to speak to god
I would would tell him I fought with all my heart

Fought across fields made out of flowers of hope
And let the wind take away what anyone else would think of me

I don't care I do care I don't care

I would roll around the grass and look at the sky
Saying a gave it my all

I am not afraid of death
Only what comes before it

I must I must I must

Never waste
What came before it

Even if I have to crawl...

Life as a colorblind (photographer)...

Usually I am an open book…

An old book by by now… Well not that old. But let’s say old enough to know better and young enough to still make mistakes.

But there is one subject matter I actually I don’t talk about that much. And that is that I am literally colorblind.

I don’t know why I don’t talk about it that much, because in general I am happy about who I became as a man. So it is quite strange. Maybe it is because it sometimes still bothers me…

I made peace with it the same way I did with most parts of my life. But sometimes the nagging still arises.

And sometimes the nagging and the bother even hurts.

I remember that one night I was sitting on my couch and I was looking at the work of Tania Frano Klein and a tear rolled down my eye because I realized I could never ever create something like that in my life. Even if I summoned all of my Dutch strength and pulled the heavens and earths and the rivers and mountains together to create a new world it still wouldn’t matter.

Or when I look at the photographs of my friend Thana and I see her color work. And it makes me happy because they are beautiful, and makes me sad at the same time because I can only explain to her how it makes me feel but not what I see.

My eyes are my eyes and they will never change…

It sometimes even makes me feel guilty because I want to honor what the artist has intended.

And even if you want to explain it what you see, you just can’t. Because everyone else does see color. So no one will ever understand you.

Well that is a bit of a depressing start of a story isn’t it?

But hey, it’s 2021. So that means as a man you can talk about your emotions as he pleases. Even when you were a strong spandex wearing Olympic Weightlifter at one time… A man should be allowed to have big muscles as well intellect.

So what color is this?

The story get’s better. No worries… Or, at least I hope…

Most likely haha.

The one question I always get the first time when I tell someone that I am colorblind is: “What color is this?“. I can tell you right now, it is the most annoying question in the world!

What color is this pen?

I don’t know…

What color is my shirt?

I don’t know…

What color is this strawberry?

Red…

See, I knew it! You are not colorblind!

No dumbass. I know that strawberries are red like everyone else in this world…

One of the tricks that you learn how to deal with it is indeed memorize what color certain objects have. Grass is green, strawberries are wild. And red of course… And with traffic lights I need the bottom one and the brightest one.

In Lightroom and Photoshop you use values. Because digitally everything has values. And if you need red you just use #FF0000 or 255, 0, 0…

That helps a lot with commercial work.

My ego…

When I started out with photography I forced myself to shoot color. But I should have known better… During the weird but interesting journey that has become my life I learned plenty of lessons and one of them is never force yourself to be someone you are not. And that means as a human, or a certain situation that you are in. Remove yourself from it or it will eat you up alive.

And I still did. I wanted to shoot color soooooo bad. I looked at books of Joel Meyerowitz, Jamel Shabazz, or Martha Cooper and I was like I want to do that too!

But it was no use.

It didn’t fit me.

No matter how hard I forced myself. It just wasn’t a good match… Not even when I discovered film photography and setting your white balance suddenly became less important.

Luckily I learned though and I embraced it in my art. No more color photography for me…

Embracing my weakness and seeing it as my strength gave me the same results as it did in previous situations and parts in my life. It gave me a better standard of life…

No more stressing out.

No more looking for things that aren’t there.

No more chasing a unicorn.

If there is a god he wants me to be happy and not sad. Especially not because of “rules”.

It feels very good to not to have to pretend anymore that you are happy with what you do or who you are. Just being unapologetically yourself… Paradiso.

The beauty of the whole situation…

Contrast… That apparently I can see very well. Most likely in my own way… But shooting black and white photography has so many layers….

Black and White photography has become the one and only thing that matters to me. And when you learn how to use that contrast you can put the techniques of the old master painters to use and you instantly have another dimension to work with. Originally used in color, but works very good in Black and White.

That doesn’t mean that color sucks.

But what you see a lot in color photography is that is used as a crutch. Especially now that a lot is online. Social Media and all of your smart devices are designed to release dopamine. And most color work has the same effect. In some galleries they even curate like that and it looks more like an Instagram feed now.

Fun fact: People spend an average time between 15 and 30 seconds at an artwork in a gallery or museum. And you need around 4 minutes and 8 seconds to actually get it. The average dwell time on Instagram for a picture is less than 3 seconds and even shorter for your story. That’s around 0.3. So what the fuck are we doing?

I think it was Richard Avedon that said something like: ”Anything is an art if you do it at the level of an art”. And what he means by that is that everything that is done in excellence is beautiful. Good photography, good BBQ, good dancing.

So good color work is good and beautiful color work. It means that the entire purpose of what color is being used is thought of and has a function to, for example: let you feel a certain feeling. Too bad I can’t see it tough.

But there is something about the rawness of black and white. It is just you and the photograph. You need to make an effort to understand it. You have to take your time. You need to decipher it.

And if someone or something makes an effort for you.

Or to understand you…

To understand your art.

That is priceless!

I cannot think of a higher honor than that.

Good life lesson as well btw. If someone in your life makes an effort, keep them around… Those people are rare… It means it’s good folk.

So what can you see?

I have no fucking idea…

I stopped matching my socks a long time ago…

The interesting thing is that I am sure I am not the only one with this condition, and 1 in 11 men has some sort of a form of color blindness. Maybe not as intense as my version, but that is still a lot of color blind dudes.

Hopefully me writing about it helps other men talk about it and deal with it. Not only in the artistic field but men in all professions.

But from what I discovered is that not everyone knows that they are because most cases are mild…

I can honestly say that color is the least important thing in my life…

Having my eyes is not something I chose. I was born like this… And all the fancy glasses and apps cannot solve it. The only way how I will ever properly see color ever in my life is when Elon Musk hooks-up the Neuralink device to my brain and I get camera sensors in my eyes…

And that is I believe where the beauty comes in.

When I see a beautiful old car I can describe it in full detail.

I will tell you about the passenger who was in it. The chrome. The buttons and the buckles…

The leather seats and the rims.

Even if it was driving fast or slow and if the window was cracked…

And that is how I look at people as well.

I was at a BLM rally last summer, and one of the speakers said: “And even if you are colorblind you can still see the difference between white and black!”

And I was like: No man… That is not how it works…

You have never seen the world through my eyes…

Same as I never seen the world though yours…

Not to dilute anything about your message and and the cause and make it less meaningful. But color is literally the least important thing in my life because I have never experienced it like a normal human being.

I have never ever experienced the green of the grass…

I have never ever experienced the beauty of the autumn leaves…

I have never ever experienced the color of someone’s eyes…

I just know that they are beautiful…

I just know that they make an amazing sounds when I walk through them and I want to roll in it…

I just know that it smells nice when it is freshly cut…

If you are a man with a hat… Or A woman in a dress…

And most importantly. If you were nice to me… It is all I care about. And if we ever cross paths and I like you, I can describe your entire soul.

*P.S.

I am writing this pas a bit later than the rest of the post but I just read an interview with one of my friends in Myanmar and it really broke my heart. She send it to me today and it took me a while to digest and I felt the need to address it.

The situation is really bad over there and unfortunately there is no hope that the Junta will leave soon. A lot of people are dying and a lot of people are worrying about their food.

The sucky thing is that I am powerless…

I want to do so much. And I wish nothing but the best for the people of that beautiful country. But I just don’t know what to do… Except to talk about it and hopefully it lands somewhere where it needs to land.

If I had a magic wand I would make all the troubles go away… I would make the proxy war in Yemen go away and made sure all the people would have food. I would help the people who went through the Gulf war and later Isis as well because I have friends in that region like Iraq as well. I would help the people who had their homes take away by natural disasters and are trying to rebuild everything. I would help Tibet preserve their beautiful culture. I would get rid of all walls including all firewalls…

There is so much shit going on in the world on. It goes beyond words. So let’s find a way to make this world a better place.

People just need to be free…

~ Cristian

Here you will have a photograph that is already published in my project page of “Memories of a man once there…“ The thing is I not getting much enjoyment out of posting my photographs on social media anymore… There are many reasons for that. But one of them it seems to be diluting hard work. There is a difference in making art or content. And I don’t make content. One day I will write an article about it. But that too needs to be done well otherwise it will be become quickly become a complain piece instead of something that adds to the conversation. Plus like I always say: A photograph is not a photograph until it is printed.

Some work in progress… Started trying out new papers instead of the ones I regularly use. Satisfied until so far… A photograph is not a photograph until it is printed.

Shorlisted for the Belfast Photo Festival...

Hey all,

Well good news seems to keep coming 2021 and that makes me very happy.

Not only it is a confirmation that hard work pays off. But also that my gut feeling was right with the direction I was pushing myself into.

Being a photographer can be lonely sometimes and sometimes you feel even crazy.

Running around with those old camera’s and film…

So I am happy to announce I am shortlisted for the Belfast Photo Festival!

People who know anything about the Festival know that it is a big deal and being shortlisted alone make me jump in the air from joy. :)

Hopefully I will make it to the end and be one of the finalist…

So fingers crossed!

~ Cristian

"Embracing Stillness" Group Show at the Humble Arts Foundation, New York.

Hey everyone!

Happy to announce this morning that my coffee is tasting delicious. But also I am part of the “Embracing Stillnes “ at the Humble Arts Foundation with one of my photographs.

The show is curated by: Sara Urbaez and Jon Feinstein

You can click here for more information. And if you want to have a playlist to accompany the photographs there is even a Spotify Playlist.

Statement:

“Curated by Sara Urbaez and Jon Feinstein, Embracing Stillness contemplates the quiet moments that add texture to our lives.

The world often feels like it’s spinning out of control. Amidst the thunder of the pictures illustrating that world, photography can also lend us some calm, some peace, some time to meditate on nuance. When we’re inundated with instantaneous, vigorous imagery every day on our social media timelines and tv screens; how do we honor the moments in between the chaos?

For this call, we invited photographers to share work that conveys a nuanced view of calm, peace, and quiet. We asked them to capture the way the morning light filters through the window, the meditative relief a deep breath brings after a long day, the imperfect smile of a loved one - images across genres that highlight the unexpected moments of wonder, encapsulate comfort and wellbeing, and bring balance to the human experience.

The following images may not all immediately grab us in a rapid-fire Instagram scroll, but earn the time and space it takes to become immersed in their stories. They are deep breaths into love, endurance, and the simple act of slowing down. We hope they bring some balance to your day – an opportunity to gradually pause and reflect.“.

Humble Arts Foundation is committed to promoting and supporting new photography, and dedicated to the artistic and professional development of those who practice it.

About the Humle Arts Foundation:

Based in New York City, Seattle, Detroit and San Francisco, Humble has served the international photography community for over a decade through exhibitions, grant making, publishing, educational programming and community building.

Founded in 2005 by Amani Olu and Jon Feinstein, Humble has been a pioneering hub for new photography, and an international resource for photographers, art professionals, collectors and the public.

You can find more about the Humble Arts Foundation at the following links:

Website

Instagram

Hope you all have a great day!

~ Cristian

Flyer by: Aysia Stieb/Zachary Francois

I found this old bench...

And then and there
It happened
I found this old bench
I knew there was something magical about it
So I sat down to give my tired legs some rest
Frowned face
Shoe lace untied
A bit broken but never giving up!
That old rusty bench...
There was definitely something magical about it
It turned me into an old man
But only for a short while...
A bit broken but never giving up

Monochrome exhibit at the Blank Wall Gallery.

Hi all!

Happy to announce that my photograph What-Is-Love is participating in the monochrome exhibition with the Greek home for contemporary photography, Blank Wall gallery based in Athens. It can be seen till June 2021.

Covid is still doing stupid stuff in Europe so unfortunately the exhibit had to slide into the virtual world the still make it possible.

But still very proud of it and happy to share it with you all.

You can find the virtual exhibit here and is hosted on Kunst Matrix.

The exhibition catalogue can be found here.

And the main page of the gallery here.

Have some other cool exciting news next month, so stay tuned for that.

Hope you all are doing well, and stay safe!

~ Cristian

Nothing...

There was a moment when you asked me:
“What do you expect from me”
And I said “nothing”
You know I love you
That is for sure
But what is love if I expect something in return
It needs to come from free will
What else is love about
When it is forced
So until we are there
And you love yourself
And maybe even us
Are nothing more than the sun and the moon
Who saw each other’s light
But not allowed to be together

A low light was suddenly present.

Waní-wí-ipȟá - A reflection of 2020...

Waní-wí-ipȟá

It’s December 21st. Brushed my teeth… Covered myself with my super warm winter blanket. And the last words I see passing by before I fall asleep are “Waní-wí-ipȟá“.

It’s Lakota and literally means winter solstice. Also a sacred date and an opportunity to share and remember stories from the year past.

If only I could meet the Lakota one day…

But for now they are right. It is a sacred date and it is an opportunity to remember stories of years past…

So why not shall I…

The darkest day…

It is the darkest day… Not only for the earth the sun and the moon, but also for me. And to be honest I’ve been struggling lately.

So the darkest day also felt like one of the darkest days that I have had in a long time myself.

Not every day I am able to be Super Cris. Some days I am just not that Super… It is fine. Luckily one of Super Cris’ powers is daring to be vulnerable so all of it is okay.

The details why are just for me and maybe some of my friends. But also the new lockdown didn’t help either. I guess that part counts for everyone and hit me a bit harder than expected.

But luckily the more the day progressed I felt better and better.

And as Seneca wrote: “There are more things, Lucilius, that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.“

Waní-wí-ipȟá did make me think about stories from last year. And when you are down or sad it’s easy to forget about the good things that have happened. Since negativity can be like a whirlpool of emotions that will drag you more to the center of sadness… But good things did happen, and actually a lot...

And by the time I am done with writing this it is right before New Year’s eve. So it is a good moment to reflect anyway…

Appreciation

So what are some of the good things that happened? Or some of the stories? Well if I want to tell all of them I need ten more blog posts because I just like to tell long long long stories. But for now, I will try to keep it short. And maybe a bit sweet, I don’t know. I’m still writing so who knows how it ends.

But one of the things that stood out was the appreciation I gained for a friend of mine. I’ve never seen someone putting so much effort in fixing a friendship. And that stuff is rare...

So I’m super grateful to her for that.

You will get your horse soon.

Writing as an exercise for the soul

Writing in general is a good exercise to reflect. And if you are a regular follower of my blog, my stories are more about me, my thoughts, philosophies, or other pickings of the brain. That in the end is what makes art. Not the chosen f-stop on your camera.

So what more things have to be grateful of and what more stories do I have? And how can I reflect?

Well my wet printing skills have improved.

My project about my father is still going strong but it is hard. Not emotionally surprisingly... But more in the way that I’m trying to create something that doesn’t exist yet. And that is a super hard puzzle to solve.

I was gifted a printer for quick prints so I can edit easier.

My Hasselblad. I’m still so in love with it…

Some family members I’ve been come a bit closer with. Like my niece and one of my sisters.

Of course my friends. Peace homies!

I’ve learned a lot about myself when I was a host for a week to help out another friend. And it made me realize I have still some things to work on. Loved every second of it so no worries. Afterwards my house was way way to quiet.

And that I still need to fix my motorbike but somehow I don’t feel like a lazy bum for not doing it.

Also I recovered more stuff from my dad than I expected.

Talking about the project about my dad…

So this part is for the people that are genuinely interested in my progress with this project.

Well the good news is: There is progress.

The bad news is: I still have a freaking long way to go…

I you have ever been or are a musician you maybe know what I am talking about. Sometimes the licks and riffs flow from your mind and sometimes it feels like fighting an endless battle.

It is the same with photography. You start your project, and you have ideas, and one idea brings you to another idea. And it flows and it flows. And sometimes ideas will lead you to a dead end so you will have to explore some new ideas.

This is, in my humble opinion, the biggest reason why you shouldn’t share your work before it is done.

Maybe not a good fit for this instant gratification society. But it is what it is… Because the end product will have changed so much by the time that when it is done and will most likely be so different that it doesn’t look like what was shared or not. And most important. No more surprise effect…

Also an edit of your project can make it or break it. And a photograph does not have to mean anything by itself, or even can be boring. But when you put it into a sequence or in context it suddenly has meaning.

To put it even put the previous sentence into context. A “making-of” of an album from a band or from a movie is also shown when the movie is out. Not during the creation.

So there is a lot to digest. I have been sharing some little pieces of work with only two People that I completely trust. That is my dear friend Eelco which is an amazing art director, and Thana (She has a new book out. Go and check it out here besides that it is an amazing book you will learn a thing or two).

I think it is super important to be picky in who you trust because someone needs to be able to give honest feedback but at the same time also needs to be fully and totally aware in what your end goal is.

The risk of getting your feedback from i.e. a social media group or even during a workshop is that the people from that group or workshop teacher maybe not know your personality or what your end goal is. And how good of an artists they maybe are, they might not give you the right feedback. And therefore might not be a good match.

Therefore, trust is important.

If it is generic picture taking. Why not… Just do whatever you want.

I guess that is also the reason why you need to answer your own “why“.

I answered mine. And this is what came out…

Also stay curious and keep making an effort. Otherwise your project like any other relationship, either one from love or friendship, will die out.

Keeping on… Rollin on…

While summing up this year I also though about how much I shot and how it differed form when I was shooting digital.

So I shot about 170+ rolls of film this year. That doesn’t seem like much but it actually is when you cannot travel. And if it was digital I would have shot way way way more.

Went through copious amount of Rodinal.

Some Ilfotec-HC.

Plenty of Foma paper.

I’ve cried.

Was gifted 52 rolls of film (Thank you Stephen of Kosmo Foto for that.)

Added about 10 photography books to my collection.

Upgraded my darkroom with a beautiful Durst M605 and some amazing Rodagon and Nikon lenses.

Discovered coffee from Yemen and now I am hooked!

Found and bought some beautiful LP’s from the likes of Edith Piaf and Ella Fitzgerald.

And I was gifted a Koala! Not a real one, but it love it anyway.

I laughed a lot.

Fell a lot less asleep on the couch.

But two day before I have published this blog post I did fall through the basement floor while doing squats…

I am fine btw. Knees were a bit hurt but the more day progressed I felt better and better.

Had more and more articles published and some exhibitions.

Some nice print sales.

Jeej!

Alright one more…

One more story or reflection…

Well… Something like that…

I wrote down all of my fears, sadness, and unresolved emotions on a piece of paper and set fire to it.

It sounds cheesy but it helps.

It’s time to move on and it’s time to put some things to rest. I know I’m ready for the next big step in my life whatever that is. But that only will be achieved if I acknowledge but let go of the past.

A year without adventure…

Maybe 2020 was not filled with beautiful travel stories and amazing suqs filled with smells of herbs and spices or oudh. Or indigenous beautiful humans in a certain part of the world who stuff me with food while they are telling me stories and hugging me.

I miss them all.

Every genuine beautiful single soul…

Luckily I have got Merry Christmas messages from all over the world.

But what 2020 did was, was a year filled with reflection, change, preparation, and release.

And also some anxiety and beer.

Onwards 2021…

I want to conclude 2020 by giving a big thank you to everyone that I love. You have no idea how much you mean to mean to me. You really don’t… I cannot seem to put it into words, but sometimes I do try.

A big thank you also to everyone who has given me a chance this year. I am still growing and evolving as a photographer, and I promise I will not waste any of my upcoming chances.

December 31st, 2020…

By the time this story ends it is December 31st, 2020…

Sipping on my morning coffee…

I got the special one today…

Ready to press publish.

2020 is almost over… Only a short while left…

Days from now on will be getting longer again.

Earth will be eased up a bit in the eternal dance between the sun and the moon.

Onwards to 2021.

You will see more of my work soon…

~ Cristian

P.S. I am totally fine. No worries. :)

It's so good to see you once again...

So good to see you once again

But I wish you would stop hiding

Its so good to you once again

I have missed you so much

I thought you were hiding from me

And you thought that I had run away

But I will be here forever

A test of our communication

Poetry in motion

but every time

making a wrong turn

One day it will be over

Ive missed you so much

Exhibit at the waterfront studios Brooklyn, New York.

Hey all,

Almost a week has passed by now. But last week an photograph of mine was exhibited at the Waterfront Studios in Brooklyn, New York. All made possible by BKC and the seeing collective.

They worked so hard to support artist during the pandemic I am lost for words with how much respect I have for them. They really did a great job.

Unfortunately I could not be there of course because of course. But hey, wat can you do…

Next time after the pandemic…

~ Cristian

Hands of a poet...

Hands of a poet…

What-is-love?

What - is - love?

After our last encounter I became to realize that even dad would fail me to understand. He disappeared again through his portal and nowhere to be found.

No answers, no questions...

Nothing...

Why was it so difficult for one to understand? And why is reality from this life despite being in a different world in my dreams in it's core the same

No one wants it.

It looks like a gift that everyone is afraid to have...

I began to ask myself what makes of it so scary and began to describe it:

"Love, and that makes romantic love or platonic love. Is the courage you need to be vulnerable but with the reassurance not to be hurt. It feels like a white horse on a dark day."

It makes you think...

All everyone wants is to be listened to and understood. Safety when you fall asleep, or when you travel to another dimension. A hug from a from friend or a kiss from your lover so will you the feeling that time stops.

You can put two people in the same room and despite there a ton of similarities there does not have to be love. Maybe just affection.

In that is were the crux lies.

Too many times one is hurt by being vulnerable in a place where there was no magic.

A choice is made...

The horse will be gone...

The moment when the choice has become existing instead of living.

~ Memories of a man once there...

Dear future Cris... A birthday letter... To me...

Dear future Cris…

By the time you will read this probably another 38 years have passed. Or maybe even another 380... Who knows... Times are strange at this current moment when I am writing this to you...

Or even more. One of the strangest birthdays ever…

There is a thing going on named Covid-19. You really hated that period remember..

I am writing you this letter for a couple of reasons… And in the meantime you are listening to some Fleetwood Mac. If you have forgot about them. It is an amazing band… Go put it on.

One of reasons is: Stop doubting yourself…

I know life can be tough sometimes and you have been through a lot but you are a wonderful man. Sometimes someone even calls you super Cris. And that is all you have ever wished for…

I know that doubt is strange and new to you because you have always followed your heart. And you just did things. This will be also your guide for the rest of your upcoming years too. That is your superpower. And your heart is humongous.

So keep it beating proudly.

And although not everyone will understand you. You understood me, and I understand you. So it will be fine. You will be fine…

You are the master of my faith. I am the master of your Soul…

Your father loves you…

At the moment you are writing this letter you have started a project about your father and you are now a couple of months in. At some points that was very confronting but you are mentally just as strong as physically. You are doing a wonderful job and hopefully it will be the gateway to wonderful new opportunities. I am sure when you read this back years in the future you will say it was the perfect way of honoring your father and your grandfathers…

Dare to cry again…

You know this Cris! It is one of your life lessons that you always share with others. That strength lies in daring to be vulnerable.

But sometimes you forget…

There will always be people that leave without saying goodbye…

And you will say; I don’t cry!

I am a grownup now…

But you know this. Whatever challenges lie ahead of you. Or whatever friendship, loved ones, or relationships you will gain or lose. It is part of life…

There is no reason to only let that bluebird in your heart out at night and let it sing when nobody sees it. Let that bird sing like it has never sang before. And it deserves to have an audiance.

Nothing is under control except for your own thoughts…

You are 76 around now and hopefully having your morning coffee with the love of your life.

And if that is your soulmate or that Hasselblad you just gave yourself as a birthday present that doesn’t matter.

Don’t be so hard on yourself…

Marcus Aurelius already wrote about this in meditations. You are nothing more than your own thoughts… And you think that the only way to achieve your dreams is to be your own hardest critic. But there are more ways to do this and you will get there…

Probably you are already there…

And if not…

Just never give up…

Ain’t nothing to it but to do it…

And even more so… What is life, if you don’t dream anymore?

Catch that train of opportunities and sail instead of row…

Speaking about dreams…

I hope you found more insights about those nighttime dreams of yours…

If you ever did find out please let me know!

I want to know why I have Dragon Ball Z hands…

Photograph like you are writing a song or a poem…

Some say that when you get older that you are not as passionate anymore… But knowing you that will never disappear. You have been daydreaming since you were a little kid and creating you own world in your thoughts… So why quit now?

Also one of the insights you had during 2020 was to make your photographs more like a song and a poem in one.

An old man can dance in the living room too. Or listen to Satie or Slayer.

Duane Michals, Trent Parke, Khalil Gibran, or one of your Sufi poets like Rumi…

Hafez…

Jacques Brel and Edith Piaf…

It will be a wonderful, wonderful mess…

A complicated mess.

But it is your mess so it is beautiful…

Time is running out…

Not only in life but also for this letter. But you have learned this lesson at a young age. So you live your life accordingly.

You only have a minute…

With only sixty seconds in it.

Forced upon me, can’t refuse it.

Didn’t seek it, didn’t choose it.

But it’s up to me to use it.

I must suffer if I lose it.

Give account if I abuse it.

Just a tiny little minute,

but eternity is in it…

That is not yours by the way in case you have gotten senile. It is written by: Dr. Benjamin E. Mays.

So…

So happy birthday my main man…

I hope you will have a wonderful day.

And even many many many years from now you will have even a richer heart.

And also a nicer beard…

Happy Birthday Future Cris…

It will all be fine.

And remember… Love yourself a little bit more. Do your squats. Drink your beers and take your photographs.

Cheers buddy!

From your friend in the present and future and everything in between.

Even in another dimension in time and space…

Kind regards,

Cristian Geelen

P.S. If you like my work and my stories but the regular ways to support me like buying my photographs are not a option for you at this moment. You can always support me through a donation with the donation button.

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