There was a gust of wind...

When we hugged to say goodbye
You wrapped your arms around me
Afraid I might blow away

My face was covered by your hair
It reminded me of beautiful spring blossoms
I could kiss them all

There was a gust of wind
That blew away every bit of me
Except for my love

Because that is eternal...

Silver Gelatin print on Ilford Warmtone fiber. Selenium toned.

Seen by CLAIRbyKahn

Hey everyone,

Sometimes in your life something amazing happens. And let this be one of those amazing things...

I can happily announce that I have become part of Seen by Kahn by CLAIRbyKahn.

If you know the CLAIRbyKahn gallery you know how excited I got when I received an e-mail one morning from the director while I was just finishing up one of my morning workouts. I just had to do a little dance in the living room and texted my closest friends immediately.

When I first started out with photography I was daydreaming about the photographs of Eikoh Hosoe, Lartigue, and Klavdij Sluban. And all of a sudden someone who actually works with them contacts you. Not only that: That also understands the magic of printing!

Thank you so much for finding me Anna-Patricia, and wanting to guide and coach me. You have no idea how happy I am about this. :)

And thank you Eelco en Thana and Chris for always being there for me and putting up with me when I am bitching and moaning that feel nothing is working out at all. You the best. Dennis as well of course.

People who give you a chance or are just there for you are a gem and they should be cherished.

I will have a celebration beer this weekend. :)

Lith printing.

If you have been following my stories a bit you've seen that I've been experimenting with alternative processes instead of my regular process. The reason is just to have a bigger pallet of skills in my regular practice. It's something I've learned from being an athlete. Broaden hour horizon, and you will have more insights in your main thing. :)

So in this case I've been figuring out the process called Lith printing. If you are a fan of i.e. Anton Corbijn there was a phase that his printer used the lith technique as well.

As you can see there is a heavy color to mine and to his are none. But that depends on so many variables as well as paper used. And the paper I used here was fomatone since it is easily available and liths very well. There are not many papers available nowadays that lith very well, so it seemed like a logical choice.

Anyways to make a long story short. Printing is amazing and I just wanted to share an experiment. :)

Thanks @hetfotovakhuishaarlem for the scan and @contrastique for helping out with the negative. And @captain.forkbeerd for being a the bearded day dreamer.

I swallowed the sun...

Stay... Remember me...

You are like that song that I
cannot understand the words of
But I feel it is about the daughter of the moon

Every day I am afraid the earth will swallow me
But sometimes I want to swallow the sun
So it will stop shining
It is either that or extinguishing it's flames with tears that flow like rivers

Stay... Remember me...

The desert called your name
It once called mine as well
I couldn't hear the words to clearly
So my soul left way too many years ago

It dug a hole deep into the ground
And ended up in the land of water and wind
Only to roam the landscape for ages
Nothing but deer to guide me
So it didn't go astray

I woke up at dawn
Stumbled over a rock and found my heart
It had burn marks
of being afraid
And swallowing the sun

My roots felt like an endless summer
And my autumn turned my leaves in grey

Stay... Remember me...

I put my heart back in my body
And promised myself...
Next time
Instead of burn
It will melt...
And turn into notes of songs
That will sing a serenade to the night

Stay... Remember me...

So that stars can guide me once again to that desert
Where I first found you
Guide me
with your light

Negative made on coated handcrafted Tosa Washi paper.

Test printed on Foma fiber.

The negative is logically a bit brittle so hopefully it will remain intact for a proper print on my favorite Bergger fiber paper. Otherwise it will be the only few prints ever made.

Me at work (short)

Last summer when I decided to cut my hair short and lug a 4x5 around because I like to punish myself always a little bit extra. Chris van Keulen followed me around and created a video of me working. Thanks a bunch dude.

Untitled addition to "You, me, and the trees..."

"You, me, and the trees..." is a visual poem born through one of the many inner dialogues Cristian has and is photographed that way.

If 2021 was a secret agent... It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Christmas Eve…

It is Friday night and three seconds just have passed since I took the first sip of a disgusting alcohol free beer… Why in gods name did I choose this period to go alcohol free for a while… My god, it is horrible! A good beer is priceless, and it is actually one of the things that genuinely makes me happy. Fresh developer, fresh film, and a fresh New England IPA.

Well, of course there are plenty of other things. But that would just make a really long list and creates less of an entertaining story.

Whenever a setback happens I just take my time to feel like shit for a brief moment. And as soon as that has passed and I have dusted myself off, I double down on reinventing myself. One of the perks you get I guess from having a shitty childhood. So as soon as the Netherlands was thrown into another lockdown in the blink of an eye, it was a good moment to dust myself off and make sure I would turn it into something positive.

So that means becoming better at my craft which is photography, and a workout every day. Despite I am already fit, that stupid rona is not going to get me. But the reality is: It is either abs or IPA’s. You can’t have both. And ever since I stopped competing in Olympic Weightlifting those IPA’s tasted a little bit too well…

Channeling…

Slowly taking another sip, and when I put my glass down it seemed like the perfect moment to reminisce about 2021. And one of my other goals is to channel my emotions better into art without any distractions. Reminiscing is a good catalyst to do that. And hopefully the more time progresses I will become better at it. The main goal of art is not imitating your heroes, but unapologetic personal expression.

An LP of Marie Laforêt is playing in the background and I hope I can finish the sentence before I have to turn the record to the other side. I succeeded…

Since I have had an outlet I always summed up my year and what happened to me. That too seems like a fruitful exercise. To reflect… To see what can be done better. Or what I did well… Did I follow my heart and was I true to myself?

So far so good…

2021, my most successful year so far… And also a super sad one…

The biggest mark 2021 has left on me is not the success I have had this year as a photographer. It was the loss of my little nephew whos life was lost during a car accident in October. Cremating the little fella just two days before my birthday was the most surreal thing ever. It is a scar that will be hard to heal. And for my sister, his dad, his bonus dad, and my niece every day feels like drowning while the rest of the world is breathing.

It also made me indefinitely pause the project about my dad for a while. They say projects are never finished, but just abandoned. And that is completely true… I just couldn’t anymore. Not now.

The project did bring me a lot though. It made me better… It made me learn. And even better… It gave me eleven freaking exhibits which three of them were festivals… And one of the locations was in a castle! And also a book! Which is crazy! If you would have told me that at the end of 2020 I would have never believed it.

Bluebird, if you are reading this… I could not have done this without you.

Yes I am talking to you. There is only one person in the world that I call bluebird.

You have no idea how special you are to me. I will keep saying that till the end of time and until you feel it, not just hear it.

And when I start slacking, I hear your voice with your unique accent in the back of my head like you said in one of your voice messages saying: “But you are not a lazy photographer…“ And that is the moment I continue my grind.

Plus, no one in my entire life has ever told me they are proud of me. But you did…

It is a beautiful realization how important it is to have the have the support of people you care about. In the past I always did things just by myself. Didn’t have people I could spar or reflect with. Or just vent… And most of the time I was just not understood. When I was still a weightlifter I had my coach. He maybe didn’t always understand me, but he always made a effort and did his best. And that goes for the two people who are prominently right now always supporting me without them even maybe knowing how big their impact is. Bluebird, and mister “rare dingen“.

Goals are never easy. Especially if you have big ones… I know I have to work my ass off. So yes, sometimes it feels like grinding. Taking photographs is not easy. And no one will ever come knocking on your door and say: “Hey do you want to be in my gallery?“ I approach things the same as I did with my sport. Just work and work. And eventually you get there. Just never give up. Even if you know you still have a long way to go and a lot of growing to do.

I did start two new projects though. One of them will be made as a visual poem. And the other one will be about masculinity done in a way that is not that typical. I want to break through social boundaries with that. More on that in 2022.

So if 2021 was a secret agent… It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Charade has become one of my favourite movies. And whenever I felt down I started watching it. Behind those muscles and that beard lies a hopeless romantic which still believes in fairy tales and magic and literally daydreams all day.

Cary Grant plays a character named Peter Joshua. Not the main character though! That is the lovely Audrey Hepburn… He is working on a case about stolen money and experienced a copious amount of setbacks. In example he got sliced by a man with a hook on his hand, shot at, did weird dance moves with a piece of fruit and the bosom of a big lady…

Even when the woman he fell in love with dropped ice cream on his suit he still managed to make everything right.

2021 felt a bit like that… It has had ice cream on it’s suit, but it still made it right. Freaking lockdowns or not I still went to Egypt. Had exhibits. Made new friends. And had fun!

Didn’t count how much rolls of film I shot this year, but it was a lot. Also made plenty of prints, so that made me happy as well.

So what will 2022 bring…

I have totally no idea… And neither do all of you… I can name some of my goals though. And one of those is to get gallery representation with a gallery that is a good match. With an emphasis on a good match.

Improve myself as a human being and a photographer.

Paris Photo.

Being a better printer.

I want to go to Iran to see my friends and travel to Kurdistan as well. And see what other place I can go too.

Write more poetry.

And attend one of those freaking opening drinks! Can I just for once go to one of my own opening drinks!!!??? It is not about the drinks itself. But every success how little or big should be celebrated. And I am tired of celebrating on my own. It is just not the same… And it is lonely…

When time progresses the list of course will change up a bit. And despite it is a short list here, no worries. My list is in reality waaaay longer.

As long as it is magical it is all good…

Another thing that I want to explore is the idea what happens to a person’s identity when the scars or pain is gone… Eventually you have to be on your own again because life will come and get you. So what happens to your identity? Who are you when you can’t rely on it anymore and use it as a crutch? Who is your true self?

It is a subject matter that made me curious.

And upside down end…

These closing words were written in the evening of December 30th… Marie Laforêt has turned into Glenn Gould playing his version of The Well-Tempered Clavier. Book 1: Prelude No. 22 in B-Flat Minor… It indeed takes that long to write something. To me it is important that every word is well thought out. I want them to have weight and meaning…

Slowly getting sleepy because from at one point in my life being a night owl, I have become an early riser. I will see and fall in love with the earth before the sun does…

Hopefully the moon will not be upset… No worries moon, it is a different kind of love… Not a lovers love. Another reason is also to make sure these words will be ready to read for you on the 31st…

So that leaves me to this.

I want to say thanks to anyone that either follows me and my adventures. Supports me in either my personal life or outside. And everyone that has ever crossed my path. It may have crossed for just a short time, or maybe even for a long while. But I have become a better man by meeting you. One way, or the other…

So happy New Year to you all…

Make it magical… And chase those dreams whatever they are…

I know I will…

~ Cristian

Some random photographs that were taken through the year…

But who was listening? It was not God...

I screamed at the sky that it is not fair.
But who was listening?
It was not God...

The only only ones who were there were some crazy birds.
What the fuck do those birds even know about soulmates?

God has abandoned me...
It felt like she has given up as well.

If God was really there he would have known in how much pain I am.

The tears...
The anger...

Oh god... If you only knew.

I fell down near a tree.
And my roots began to dig deep into the ground so I could become one with the earth.

One with the earth...
My melting body was soaking up in the soil
Falling deeper and deeper

Until I reached our past lives...

Lives of kings and queens
And sand and wind
And places and beings

Even back than I tried to make you remember

Remember about that one time that we were one
And left you notes right on your heart
But your heart stopped beating
And I made it keep going by
Just by saying: sleep tight
You slept tight
And woke up in another dimension
In a beautiful dress with flowers and butterflies
But one of those butterflies was me
Only I had no wings
So I fell off
Right into the ground
And transformed into a flower
Only it didn't rain
So there wasn't any water
And because of that I died...

And when I died
It started raining
And pieces of my saddened body touched the window
You were staring out of when you had a bad day

The raindrops made you feel back home
And even though I wasn't even there

Well... Maybe I was...
But would you have seen those notes I left you?

Oh god if you only knew
And if you are listening
Maybe those crazy birds could translate

Will she ever remember me?

Dante 2021

Hey everyone,

One of my photographs was also part of the Dante Exhibit of Dante 2021 created nu dotART and together with the Municipality of San Daniele del Friuli. And was exhibited on the Trieste Photo Days.

Of course super happy about that. But there was also a book involved. And that book finally came in the mail!

The book is on the occasion of the 700th year anniversary of the death of Dante Alighieri.

If you are interested in the book yourself you can buy it here.

Secret Garden

It's 6 A.M.

A early autumn morning and it is time to put a brush
Through that rough beard of mine
Slowly getting grey
Pepper and salt like human tree rings on my face

The oil makes it smell nice

Maybe I am
not man enough...
It is all I was thinking about while shaking my head
Day dreaming... Morning dreaming... Whatever...

Or is it more like day walking
Sometimes...
Because sometimes it feels like my strong body
is more dead than alive

Nothing but day dreaming...
About that mesmerizing painting
A masterpiece
You are truly worth more than a thousand stars...

My brush at the right side of the sink
Next to my razor
So it is easy to remember when my mind wanders off
To new places

I found a place you know...
With long winding stairs
And when I get to the top
there is a garden and I will find you there

A garden
high in the clouds
a different unapologetic romantic reality
where our feet don't touch the grass when we dance

Your smile makes my longing heart feel nice

A gentle breeze has turned up...
For me a signal
that the day is about to start and it is time for me to go
I will come back though

When my feet take the last steps down that winding stairs
I raise my face to the mirror
Still wet from the water and maybe a tear
I won't tell
But it is just enough water to cut my beard line straight

Sometimes
I am not sure if I am that I am
Man enough
To grab your hand one day and take you for that dance

My day starts
It's 7 A.M.
I eat my breakfast and have my coffee
But nothing fills

~ Secret garden

They managed to hide from me for four weeks!

I have the luck I live next to a nature reserve.

And during time it was, and still is my favourite place to escape.

The area is full of beautiful animals and these horses are among them.

A couple of new photographs and putting myself out there...

I have put up a new couple of photographs on my Instagram. But I rather always put them on my blog… Seems more right…

Also if you are a gallery owner and reading this. I am actually looking for representation.

No idea how the art world works since I used to be a competitive Olympic Weightlifter and never went to art school.

So after my most successful year I have had so far, such a step would help me greatly in making more and better work.

Inspired...

Inspired…

Something has changed...

Something has changed...

I will bring you to my lake one day...

What if I bring you to my lake?
That will be the moment it will be yours as well...
It is no longer mine alone

You have to promise me to take care of it
Keep it a mystery
So it is just known to you and me

Around the lake you will find deer
That will talk to you
when you are sad

Or that place for the perfect picnic
Which I am sure of
it will make you smile

I will bring you to my lake one day
And it will be no longer mine alone...
You really need to promise you will take care of it

I will introduce you to the birds
And they will sing a song
That will open up your shielded heart

And in the summer
There is a beautiful place between the trees
to see the stars

I will let you see my lake one day
Just show me you will take care of it
And my lake will be yours…

My Egyptian secret window...

Wandering

I was wandering through the streets of Cairo
My hand was holding an old Visa from Egypt
Stamped and signed somewhere in the 80’s…

It’s so difficult to photograph today
But what choice do I have?

Sweating through my clothes just sitting
The food I ate just to not to disappoint some locals isn’t helping either

Photography is my secret window
A private conversation

An inner dialogue from me to my other self that just won’t stop talking
Every secret window a new chapter

Countless of windows that open up and close again when the time has come
And this specific chapter has come to an end
Ready for the next one…

Maybe I am lying to myself
Maybe I am not
Maybe it is just all I have to turn my imagination to truth

I was wandering through the streets of Cairo
And all I was thinking was: “I need one photograph”

A cat came up to my leg to say hi
I heard a purr…
But in my mind I was exactly where I needed to be

Alone

Complete and by myself
Well maybe not complete because I am still missing my other half

I sat down to give my tired feet some rest
Suddenly A little girl came up to me
Speaking to me in a language I didn’t understand

She could have not been older than six
Or maybe she was eight
I don’t know…

She reminded me of a vision or a dream I sometimes have that I want to have a daughter and I want to be the best father in the world

One day I will be…

On her arm there were some beautiful necklaces ready to be sold
In the sweetest possible way I tried to say: “No”
And after a big smile she understood and walked away a bit sad…

A bench beside me there were some locals
Looking all ready to go out because it was a Friday evening
I asked: Is she yours?

One of the women replied to me
The same way I replied to the little girl
I received a gentle smile, a shaking head from left to right, and a no

My secret window was closing
At least for the days I was here…
Or maybe just for today

I needed a photograph
Just. One. Photograph.

I felt frustrated and angry
“Cris you can do this” I told myself

Normally I would haven taken fourteen portraits
And petted about seventeen stray cats

What is wrong with me?

It is not that I wanted to give up
Because I never do

I believe in Soulmates
In destiny
In fate…

And this journey has become a part of my fate as well

It must have been the food poisoning
Should have said no to the food
Push through Cris, Push through… Push through…

I walked and I walked…
And suddenly you feel it

That same feeling you have when you close the window because there is a storm outside
And a gust of wind blows in your face right before you hear that loud clank when the window shuts

ZuZu and Habiba

My saviors

Sweet Arabian angels that came from the heavens
Taking selfies at just the right time
Saying hello just to make sure I got guided in the right direction

Without them I was lost
Without them at this point in time my art was lost…

My secret Window opened up again
And despite I didn’t knew if I could use this photograph at all
It was all I needed to get things moving

My spiritual wind was blowing until the last day I was able to shoot
I needed to capture that feeling
That one feeling

I did

One photograph to accompany that Visa from the 80’s…

Guilty

In my final hours in Cairo I went searching for that one little girl
I felt so guilty for saying no
Searching… In a city of twenty million

I would rather spend my last Egyptian pounds on souvenirs that I could buy from her than all the scammers on the market in the old part of the city

“You have a nice beard sir, you look like an Arab”
Words spoken to me in a persuasive way that would hypnotize any first time traveler
If they only knew… They wouldn’t even try…

My secret window was closing again…

I searched and I searched the streets until my feet got tired but with no luck
My last Hail Mary was to find the same bench I encountered her before

I felt some wind blowing…
And hoped it was a sign

As I rested my feet on that exact same bench there was no one there to be found…
It was a reminder to me that the universe sometimes says no
The “No” came out and with a sweet and gentle smile in the form of a cat sitting next to me…

A purr came out…
From me
As well as the cat

I guess some secret windows
Are just never meant to have some wind blowing through it…

~ My Egyptian secret window...

KAUNAS PHOTO festival.

Hey everyone,

Happy to announce that I will be part of the KAUNAS PHOTO festival!

And to make it even better, my art is going to be in a freaking castle!!!

I mean, how cool is that?

Never in my entire life I have thought that my photographs would be displayed in a castle, so that is super cool. And I can of course say it made me very happy and it feels like a result of all of the hard work I have put in creating my art.

I think I haven’t had a proper break since I came back from Myanmar. Woke up 06:00 in the morning just worked worked worked. So if this is the result I get from that it is all worth it. I literally did a dance in my living room haha. Every success need to be celebrated right? Doesn’t matter how big or small they are…

I am being accompanied by plenty of other cool and amazing artist. So if you are in the neighborhood of Kaunas in Lithuania go and check out all of it and all of them.

For a detailed overview of all of the artist and all the other news that is surrounding the festival, please check out the KAUNAS PHOTO festival news page which you can find here.

Hop everyone is having a great weekend. Or even more so, a great rest of the year. And with a bit of luck I will be having my first adventure since a long time, soon.

~ Cristian

Patty. - Memories of a man once there...

Patt - Memories of a man once there…

I didn't know if we were going for a ride or watching a sunset...

I didn't know if we were going for a ride or watching a sunset...

Kirsten

Two portraits I took of Kirsten with my new large format friend.