Paris Photo 2022

I’ve been making this magical box and prints by hand for a special occasion that will be happening in Paris from the 10th of November until the 13th. Paris Photo 2022.

I will be there with the Clairbykahn gallery and you can find us at boot E15 together with (and the work of) Chien Chi Chang, Pascal Bastien, Philippe Halsman, Sigalit Landau and of course David “Chim” Seymour. Including the famous “Jump” photograph by Philipe Halsman.

Come say hi if you are around. I will be at the booth on the 12th from 16:00 to 18:00.

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I always feel you there in my dreams...

I always feel you there
in my dreams

when I take a shower
or talk to you in my thoughts about my day

when I look outside
you are there

like a ghost
or a phantom

I’ve kissed the lips
of an angel

but that was just
in my dreams as well

Still Melancholy

Not mine, but written by George Eliot. I thought it was tot beautiful not to share.

“Is not this a true autumn day? Just the still melancholy that I love – that makes life and nature harmonize. The birds are consulting about their migrations, the trees are putting on the hectic or the pallid hues of decay, and begin to strew the ground, that one’s very footsteps may not disturb the repose of earth and air, while they give us a scent that is a perfect anodyne to the restless spirit. Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns. “

- George Eliot

Experiment in oak toning

Experiment in oak toning.

I was looking to see if I could find a way to make prints more personal. So what I did was I collected oak bark and made a toner out of that.

I added the toner to my regular process which I do with selenium and it actually came out pretty well.

The goal was to make prints of photographs that you can easily put in a book or a journal or a book, and you discover as little treasures when you open it. The feeling it should give you when you discover them is nostalgia and give you a little smirk on your face. Similar to the smirk you get if you receive a hand written note of a loved one.

I wanted it to be with done with materials you can find around the area here in Haarlem and where certain photographs are taken to tie things in the concept together.

This does not mean all photographs will be done like this. Only when it is called for. But if you see the print for real it really does look pretty. :)

a dandelion

To feel, forget, and feel
I forgot you are the moon
A dandelion sings

on a dreamy autumn night

I like broken things...

I like broken things... That goes for my new old typewriter as well... I ordered a new ribbon. It's okay though. The old not so functional one is perfectly fine. It's reminds me of life... And make me reflect that despite some of us are made up of broken pieces, we are perfectly fine as well. :)

Love you all...

~ Cristian

In a parallel universe... - A mini photo essay of a journey in Morocco while I should have been in Iraq.

In a parallel universe…

I wouldn’t be talking to the sea in Casablanca

I love talking to the sea

Maybe it is because the sea is connected to the heart of the moon

And everytime we speak

she lets me hear her thunder and her storms

the embrace of her waves

sometimes with delicacy

and sometimes with all her passion

and all of her rumbles

But when she is sad

I always tell her

That someone gifted me once a box full of darkness

but in the end that darkness will make you shine bright

brighter than a dance

under a thousand stars

I love talking to the sea so much…

And I would trade every

single

day

to say to her…

that my favourite season is autumn as well

despite

I sometimes

feel like a fading burning sun

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In a parallel universe…

I wouldn’t be walking in tiny streets

With walls that stretch far into the sky

like concrete trees

and magic doors

Magic doors

so special

that if you walk through them

you will end up

End up in a place

Where your heart gets hugged

and where a song starts playing

for only those who listen with their soul

can hear

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In a parallel universe…

You would not have set me down on that stool…

asking me to tell me about my day

and just to make sure

I was perfectly fine

I would have left if it wasn't for you

you know…

one of your poems was about rain

Maybe that's why I stayed

I would have left if it wasn't for you

you know…

I am sure

it was because

I recognized your rain as well…

because it looked so much like my own

And told you

self-love should be the very first romance…

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In a parallel universe…

I wouldn’t have had a dream about a proud old man and a horse

Out of nothing

I heard a voice which sounded like thunder

it was a dark horse

and his name that sat on him

was life

I rode with him

until his legs were tired

but was ready to rest with a giant smile

you will be fine, my friend

he said

despite sometimes

it just takes a while…

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Story behind the mini photo essay…

The initial plan for end of spring was to visit my friend in Iran. But because they had their own plans to travel, I opted to go and visit my friends in Iraq. And while I was there also create a photo essay as well. Specifically the autonomous region of Kurdistan.

When I was ready to board the plane and waiting in front of the gate with a bag full of film, and presents. There was just simply no airplane to take me to Iraq.

The solution of the airline was to stuff me into a hotel in Istanbul to wait for the next available flight. But the airport personnel here figured out that all of the upcoming flights where grossly overbooked as well, so that would be being stuck in Istanbul for way too long. And while Istanbul is an amazing city, it still would have meant I would lose valuable time in Iraq itself. And you don’t go to Iraq for a lightning quick visit if you have the chance. You want to enjoy the country to it’s fullest.

So I opted to get my money back. And as soon as I got my money back I checked for the other airline that would fly to Erbil. But that website was down…

Eventually I picked Morocco instead and gave myself a a forced holiday which I haven’t had in years! I mean I travel regularly and it is always fun. But it is always with a purpose. I am just very bad at sitting on my ass…

People who know me personally can vouch for that.

The only flight that was available which fitted in my schedule was one to Casablanca. The idea was when I got to Casablanca to take a bus to Essaouira and just chill…

But fate decided to rock my world again and gave me food poisoning right before a six hour bus ride… And if you have ever had food poisoning in your life, you would know that the only place where you feel safe is the shower… A bus is the last place where you want to be… Especially for six hours…

Of all the chances a nurse came sitting next to me, and the wonderful conversations I had with her made me feel good enough to arrive in a proper manner. Thank you Imane. :)

Eventually…

Eventually in Essaouira I couldn’t resist to do nothing at all despite I needed more than a couple of days to recover fully. But in the end I just love photography so much… It is my way to make sense of things… So I did what I could with the severe limited amount of time I had.

The other bonus was that I met some amazing people over there. People that really touched my heart in ways that I couldn’t imagine.

But that is the downside of travel…

The biggest upside of traveling is like reading a thousand books… But saying goodbye always feels like breaking your heart.

For the tech geeks…

I shot a combination of film and digital. I just grabbed the camera I was in the mood for and didn’t want to think about things too much. Also it is no secret that I use everything that a Carl Zeiss can be attached to. In the end it doesn’t matter though. A good photo is a good photo… And they still need to be printed. So from some I will create negatives and create silver gelatin prints anyway.

Photography is all about the printing…

There were of course more images taken. But those will be shared on a later moment.

Ending words…

In the future I will go back to Morocco again. And when fate allows me I will still have to plan to go to Iraq. Can’t wait to see my friends.

All will be fine in the end… And if it isn’t fine… It isn’t the end…

Thank you Halima Haloumi Goldfish, Marcus, Imane, Jakob, Marwane, Pierre, David. And all the others amazing human beings I ran into in that short of a time. Without all of you beautiful souls I definitely wouldn’t have had such a wonderful time.. You will forever be in my heart.

That is a promise…

~ Cristian

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My eyes were sore from staring too much into the sun

My eyes were sore from staring too much into the sun

I rubbed them with the hope it would get better
It did something though...

08:00 AM

Listening to some records to wake up in the most relaxing way

My hand grabbed yours
We danced a slow dance in the living room
To one of your favourite songs

I never told you it was one of mine as well...

Your head on my shoulder
as we turned I placed a kiss in your neck

A couple of steps left before the end of the song
my eyes slowly started to feel better

08:05...

Back among the trees

I will always remember us
Your dance was like a stroke of life

I just wish I would find you here

"Is the really the end, or a new beginning? A new reality..."

"Is the really the end, or a new beginning? A new reality..."

Hi my name is Cristian

Hi my name is Cristian

I like waking up early
But when I open up my eyes it takes me way too long to get out bed

I am literally color blind
Yet my favorite color is red
I think...

Sometimes I struggle with depression
But luckily I am really really strong
Oh and I also lift weights

Whenever I have seen a scary movie
I still check for monsters under my bed

But I always forget they are mainly in my closet
And in my head
Together with my demons
Who sometimes find their way to my heart

But I lock them into towers until they turn into birds
and learn to build bridges between them

I am a photographer and a hopeless romantic
And there are days that I struggle how society looks at me
Because it doesn't see me that way

I overthink everything I do
Even overthinking...
Or why I put my socks in the fridge
and if I can achieve everything I want in life before I die

Or that birds don't need bridges
Because they can fly wherever the hell they want

Yes I am flawed
Yes I am flawed
Yes I am flawed

I've made some incredible mistakes
And repeat them at least three times
But I have forgiven myself for that

And at 39 years of age
I have finally learned to love myself

Hi my name is Cristian
And as you can see I am a work in progress...

There are days that I talk to god

And I say to him
Life doesn't come with an instruction manual
But I am doing the best I can

And when he replies
He tells me that heaven is not only a place you go when you die
but also every day on earth and right now

I just need to believe and follow my heart
And when I do
He leaves feathers of angels in my footsteps

There was a gust of wind...

When we hugged to say goodbye
You wrapped your arms around me
Afraid I might blow away

My face was covered by your hair
It reminded me of beautiful spring blossoms
I could kiss them all

There was a gust of wind
That blew away every bit of me
Except for my love

Because that is eternal...

Silver Gelatin print on Ilford Warmtone fiber. Selenium toned.

Seen by CLAIRbyKahn

Hey everyone,

Sometimes in your life something amazing happens. And let this be one of those amazing things...

I can happily announce that I have become part of Seen by Kahn by CLAIRbyKahn.

If you know the CLAIRbyKahn gallery you know how excited I got when I received an e-mail one morning from the director while I was just finishing up one of my morning workouts. I just had to do a little dance in the living room and texted my closest friends immediately.

When I first started out with photography I was daydreaming about the photographs of Eikoh Hosoe, Lartigue, and Klavdij Sluban. And all of a sudden someone who actually works with them contacts you. Not only that: That also understands the magic of printing!

Thank you so much for finding me Anna-Patricia, and wanting to guide and coach me. You have no idea how happy I am about this. :)

And thank you Eelco en Thana and Chris for always being there for me and putting up with me when I am bitching and moaning that feel nothing is working out at all. You the best. Dennis as well of course.

People who give you a chance or are just there for you are a gem and they should be cherished.

I will have a celebration beer this weekend. :)

Lith printing.

If you have been following my stories a bit you've seen that I've been experimenting with alternative processes instead of my regular process. The reason is just to have a bigger pallet of skills in my regular practice. It's something I've learned from being an athlete. Broaden hour horizon, and you will have more insights in your main thing. :)

So in this case I've been figuring out the process called Lith printing. If you are a fan of i.e. Anton Corbijn there was a phase that his printer used the lith technique as well.

As you can see there is a heavy color to mine and to his are none. But that depends on so many variables as well as paper used. And the paper I used here was fomatone since it is easily available and liths very well. There are not many papers available nowadays that lith very well, so it seemed like a logical choice.

Anyways to make a long story short. Printing is amazing and I just wanted to share an experiment. :)

Thanks @hetfotovakhuishaarlem for the scan and @contrastique for helping out with the negative. And @captain.forkbeerd for being a the bearded day dreamer.

I swallowed the sun...

Stay... Remember me...

You are like that song that I
cannot understand the words of
But I feel it is about the daughter of the moon

Every day I am afraid the earth will swallow me
But sometimes I want to swallow the sun
So it will stop shining
It is either that or extinguishing it's flames with tears that flow like rivers

Stay... Remember me...

The desert called your name
It once called mine as well
I couldn't hear the words to clearly
So my soul left way too many years ago

It dug a hole deep into the ground
And ended up in the land of water and wind
Only to roam the landscape for ages
Nothing but deer to guide me
So it didn't go astray

I woke up at dawn
Stumbled over a rock and found my heart
It had burn marks
of being afraid
And swallowing the sun

My roots felt like an endless summer
And my autumn turned my leaves in grey

Stay... Remember me...

I put my heart back in my body
And promised myself...
Next time
Instead of burn
It will melt...
And turn into notes of songs
That will sing a serenade to the night

Stay... Remember me...

So that stars can guide me once again to that desert
Where I first found you
Guide me
with your light

Negative made on coated handcrafted Tosa Washi paper.

Test printed on Foma fiber.

The negative is logically a bit brittle so hopefully it will remain intact for a proper print on my favorite Bergger fiber paper. Otherwise it will be the only few prints ever made.

Me at work (short)

Last summer when I decided to cut my hair short and lug a 4x5 around because I like to punish myself always a little bit extra. Chris van Keulen followed me around and created a video of me working. Thanks a bunch dude.

Untitled addition to "You, me, and the trees..."

"You, me, and the trees..." is a visual poem born through one of the many inner dialogues Cristian has and is photographed that way.

If 2021 was a secret agent... It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Christmas Eve…

It is Friday night and three seconds just have passed since I took the first sip of a disgusting alcohol free beer… Why in gods name did I choose this period to go alcohol free for a while… My god, it is horrible! A good beer is priceless, and it is actually one of the things that genuinely makes me happy. Fresh developer, fresh film, and a fresh New England IPA.

Well, of course there are plenty of other things. But that would just make a really long list and creates less of an entertaining story.

Whenever a setback happens I just take my time to feel like shit for a brief moment. And as soon as that has passed and I have dusted myself off, I double down on reinventing myself. One of the perks you get I guess from having a shitty childhood. So as soon as the Netherlands was thrown into another lockdown in the blink of an eye, it was a good moment to dust myself off and make sure I would turn it into something positive.

So that means becoming better at my craft which is photography, and a workout every day. Despite I am already fit, that stupid rona is not going to get me. But the reality is: It is either abs or IPA’s. You can’t have both. And ever since I stopped competing in Olympic Weightlifting those IPA’s tasted a little bit too well…

Channeling…

Slowly taking another sip, and when I put my glass down it seemed like the perfect moment to reminisce about 2021. And one of my other goals is to channel my emotions better into art without any distractions. Reminiscing is a good catalyst to do that. And hopefully the more time progresses I will become better at it. The main goal of art is not imitating your heroes, but unapologetic personal expression.

An LP of Marie Laforêt is playing in the background and I hope I can finish the sentence before I have to turn the record to the other side. I succeeded…

Since I have had an outlet I always summed up my year and what happened to me. That too seems like a fruitful exercise. To reflect… To see what can be done better. Or what I did well… Did I follow my heart and was I true to myself?

So far so good…

2021, my most successful year so far… And also a super sad one…

The biggest mark 2021 has left on me is not the success I have had this year as a photographer. It was the loss of my little nephew whos life was lost during a car accident in October. Cremating the little fella just two days before my birthday was the most surreal thing ever. It is a scar that will be hard to heal. And for my sister, his dad, his bonus dad, and my niece every day feels like drowning while the rest of the world is breathing.

It also made me indefinitely pause the project about my dad for a while. They say projects are never finished, but just abandoned. And that is completely true… I just couldn’t anymore. Not now.

The project did bring me a lot though. It made me better… It made me learn. And even better… It gave me eleven freaking exhibits which three of them were festivals… And one of the locations was in a castle! And also a book! Which is crazy! If you would have told me that at the end of 2020 I would have never believed it.

Bluebird, if you are reading this… I could not have done this without you.

Yes I am talking to you. There is only one person in the world that I call bluebird.

You have no idea how special you are to me. I will keep saying that till the end of time and until you feel it, not just hear it.

And when I start slacking, I hear your voice with your unique accent in the back of my head like you said in one of your voice messages saying: “But you are not a lazy photographer…“ And that is the moment I continue my grind.

Plus, no one in my entire life has ever told me they are proud of me. But you did…

It is a beautiful realization how important it is to have the have the support of people you care about. In the past I always did things just by myself. Didn’t have people I could spar or reflect with. Or just vent… And most of the time I was just not understood. When I was still a weightlifter I had my coach. He maybe didn’t always understand me, but he always made a effort and did his best. And that goes for the two people who are prominently right now always supporting me without them even maybe knowing how big their impact is. Bluebird, and mister “rare dingen“.

Goals are never easy. Especially if you have big ones… I know I have to work my ass off. So yes, sometimes it feels like grinding. Taking photographs is not easy. And no one will ever come knocking on your door and say: “Hey do you want to be in my gallery?“ I approach things the same as I did with my sport. Just work and work. And eventually you get there. Just never give up. Even if you know you still have a long way to go and a lot of growing to do.

I did start two new projects though. One of them will be made as a visual poem. And the other one will be about masculinity done in a way that is not that typical. I want to break through social boundaries with that. More on that in 2022.

So if 2021 was a secret agent… It would have been Cary Grant in Charade.

Charade has become one of my favourite movies. And whenever I felt down I started watching it. Behind those muscles and that beard lies a hopeless romantic which still believes in fairy tales and magic and literally daydreams all day.

Cary Grant plays a character named Peter Joshua. Not the main character though! That is the lovely Audrey Hepburn… He is working on a case about stolen money and experienced a copious amount of setbacks. In example he got sliced by a man with a hook on his hand, shot at, did weird dance moves with a piece of fruit and the bosom of a big lady…

Even when the woman he fell in love with dropped ice cream on his suit he still managed to make everything right.

2021 felt a bit like that… It has had ice cream on it’s suit, but it still made it right. Freaking lockdowns or not I still went to Egypt. Had exhibits. Made new friends. And had fun!

Didn’t count how much rolls of film I shot this year, but it was a lot. Also made plenty of prints, so that made me happy as well.

So what will 2022 bring…

I have totally no idea… And neither do all of you… I can name some of my goals though. And one of those is to get gallery representation with a gallery that is a good match. With an emphasis on a good match.

Improve myself as a human being and a photographer.

Paris Photo.

Being a better printer.

I want to go to Iran to see my friends and travel to Kurdistan as well. And see what other place I can go too.

Write more poetry.

And attend one of those freaking opening drinks! Can I just for once go to one of my own opening drinks!!!??? It is not about the drinks itself. But every success how little or big should be celebrated. And I am tired of celebrating on my own. It is just not the same… And it is lonely…

When time progresses the list of course will change up a bit. And despite it is a short list here, no worries. My list is in reality waaaay longer.

As long as it is magical it is all good…

Another thing that I want to explore is the idea what happens to a person’s identity when the scars or pain is gone… Eventually you have to be on your own again because life will come and get you. So what happens to your identity? Who are you when you can’t rely on it anymore and use it as a crutch? Who is your true self?

It is a subject matter that made me curious.

And upside down end…

These closing words were written in the evening of December 30th… Marie Laforêt has turned into Glenn Gould playing his version of The Well-Tempered Clavier. Book 1: Prelude No. 22 in B-Flat Minor… It indeed takes that long to write something. To me it is important that every word is well thought out. I want them to have weight and meaning…

Slowly getting sleepy because from at one point in my life being a night owl, I have become an early riser. I will see and fall in love with the earth before the sun does…

Hopefully the moon will not be upset… No worries moon, it is a different kind of love… Not a lovers love. Another reason is also to make sure these words will be ready to read for you on the 31st…

So that leaves me to this.

I want to say thanks to anyone that either follows me and my adventures. Supports me in either my personal life or outside. And everyone that has ever crossed my path. It may have crossed for just a short time, or maybe even for a long while. But I have become a better man by meeting you. One way, or the other…

So happy New Year to you all…

Make it magical… And chase those dreams whatever they are…

I know I will…

~ Cristian

Some random photographs that were taken through the year…

But who was listening? It was not God...

I screamed at the sky that it is not fair.
But who was listening?
It was not God...

The only only ones who were there were some crazy birds.
What the fuck do those birds even know about soulmates?

God has abandoned me...
It felt like she has given up as well.

If God was really there he would have known in how much pain I am.

The tears...
The anger...

Oh god... If you only knew.

I fell down near a tree.
And my roots began to dig deep into the ground so I could become one with the earth.

One with the earth...
My melting body was soaking up in the soil
Falling deeper and deeper

Until I reached our past lives...

Lives of kings and queens
And sand and wind
And places and beings

Even back than I tried to make you remember

Remember about that one time that we were one
And left you notes right on your heart
But your heart stopped beating
And I made it keep going by
Just by saying: sleep tight
You slept tight
And woke up in another dimension
In a beautiful dress with flowers and butterflies
But one of those butterflies was me
Only I had no wings
So I fell off
Right into the ground
And transformed into a flower
Only it didn't rain
So there wasn't any water
And because of that I died...

And when I died
It started raining
And pieces of my saddened body touched the window
You were staring out of when you had a bad day

The raindrops made you feel back home
And even though I wasn't even there

Well... Maybe I was...
But would you have seen those notes I left you?

Oh god if you only knew
And if you are listening
Maybe those crazy birds could translate

Will she ever remember me?

Dante 2021

Hey everyone,

One of my photographs was also part of the Dante Exhibit of Dante 2021 created nu dotART and together with the Municipality of San Daniele del Friuli. And was exhibited on the Trieste Photo Days.

Of course super happy about that. But there was also a book involved. And that book finally came in the mail!

The book is on the occasion of the 700th year anniversary of the death of Dante Alighieri.

If you are interested in the book yourself you can buy it here.