There was a moment when you asked me:
“What do you expect from me”
And I said “nothing”
You know I love you
That is for sure
But what is love if I expect something in return
It needs to come from free will
What else is love about
When it is forced
So until we are there
And you love yourself
And maybe even us
Are nothing more than the sun and the moon
Who saw each other’s light
But not allowed to be together
A low light was suddenly present.
Waní-wí-ipȟá - A reflection of 2020...
Waní-wí-ipȟá
It’s December 21st. Brushed my teeth… Covered myself with my super warm winter blanket. And the last words I see passing by before I fall asleep are “Waní-wí-ipȟá“.
It’s Lakota and literally means winter solstice. Also a sacred date and an opportunity to share and remember stories from the year past.
If only I could meet the Lakota one day…
But for now they are right. It is a sacred date and it is an opportunity to remember stories of years past…
So why not shall I…
The darkest day…
It is the darkest day… Not only for the earth the sun and the moon, but also for me. And to be honest I’ve been struggling lately.
So the darkest day also felt like one of the darkest days that I have had in a long time myself.
Not every day I am able to be Super Cris. Some days I am just not that Super… It is fine. Luckily one of Super Cris’ powers is daring to be vulnerable so all of it is okay.
The details why are just for me and maybe some of my friends. But also the new lockdown didn’t help either. I guess that part counts for everyone and hit me a bit harder than expected.
But luckily the more the day progressed I felt better and better.
And as Seneca wrote: “There are more things, Lucilius, that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.“
Waní-wí-ipȟá did make me think about stories from last year. And when you are down or sad it’s easy to forget about the good things that have happened. Since negativity can be like a whirlpool of emotions that will drag you more to the center of sadness… But good things did happen, and actually a lot...
And by the time I am done with writing this it is right before New Year’s eve. So it is a good moment to reflect anyway…
Appreciation
So what are some of the good things that happened? Or some of the stories? Well if I want to tell all of them I need ten more blog posts because I just like to tell long long long stories. But for now, I will try to keep it short. And maybe a bit sweet, I don’t know. I’m still writing so who knows how it ends.
But one of the things that stood out was the appreciation I gained for a friend of mine. I’ve never seen someone putting so much effort in fixing a friendship. And that stuff is rare...
So I’m super grateful to her for that.
You will get your horse soon.
Writing as an exercise for the soul
Writing in general is a good exercise to reflect. And if you are a regular follower of my blog, my stories are more about me, my thoughts, philosophies, or other pickings of the brain. That in the end is what makes art. Not the chosen f-stop on your camera.
So what more things have to be grateful of and what more stories do I have? And how can I reflect?
Well my wet printing skills have improved.
My project about my father is still going strong but it is hard. Not emotionally surprisingly... But more in the way that I’m trying to create something that doesn’t exist yet. And that is a super hard puzzle to solve.
I was gifted a printer for quick prints so I can edit easier.
My Hasselblad. I’m still so in love with it…
Some family members I’ve been come a bit closer with. Like my niece and one of my sisters.
Of course my friends. Peace homies!
I’ve learned a lot about myself when I was a host for a week to help out another friend. And it made me realize I have still some things to work on. Loved every second of it so no worries. Afterwards my house was way way to quiet.
And that I still need to fix my motorbike but somehow I don’t feel like a lazy bum for not doing it.
Also I recovered more stuff from my dad than I expected.
Talking about the project about my dad…
So this part is for the people that are genuinely interested in my progress with this project.
Well the good news is: There is progress.
The bad news is: I still have a freaking long way to go…
I you have ever been or are a musician you maybe know what I am talking about. Sometimes the licks and riffs flow from your mind and sometimes it feels like fighting an endless battle.
It is the same with photography. You start your project, and you have ideas, and one idea brings you to another idea. And it flows and it flows. And sometimes ideas will lead you to a dead end so you will have to explore some new ideas.
This is, in my humble opinion, the biggest reason why you shouldn’t share your work before it is done.
Maybe not a good fit for this instant gratification society. But it is what it is… Because the end product will have changed so much by the time that when it is done and will most likely be so different that it doesn’t look like what was shared or not. And most important. No more surprise effect…
Also an edit of your project can make it or break it. And a photograph does not have to mean anything by itself, or even can be boring. But when you put it into a sequence or in context it suddenly has meaning.
To put it even put the previous sentence into context. A “making-of” of an album from a band or from a movie is also shown when the movie is out. Not during the creation.
So there is a lot to digest. I have been sharing some little pieces of work with only two People that I completely trust. That is my dear friend Eelco which is an amazing art director, and Thana (She has a new book out. Go and check it out here besides that it is an amazing book you will learn a thing or two).
I think it is super important to be picky in who you trust because someone needs to be able to give honest feedback but at the same time also needs to be fully and totally aware in what your end goal is.
The risk of getting your feedback from i.e. a social media group or even during a workshop is that the people from that group or workshop teacher maybe not know your personality or what your end goal is. And how good of an artists they maybe are, they might not give you the right feedback. And therefore might not be a good match.
Therefore, trust is important.
If it is generic picture taking. Why not… Just do whatever you want.
I guess that is also the reason why you need to answer your own “why“.
I answered mine. And this is what came out…
Also stay curious and keep making an effort. Otherwise your project like any other relationship, either one from love or friendship, will die out.
Keeping on… Rollin on…
While summing up this year I also though about how much I shot and how it differed form when I was shooting digital.
So I shot about 170+ rolls of film this year. That doesn’t seem like much but it actually is when you cannot travel. And if it was digital I would have shot way way way more.
Went through copious amount of Rodinal.
Some Ilfotec-HC.
Plenty of Foma paper.
I’ve cried.
Was gifted 52 rolls of film (Thank you Stephen of Kosmo Foto for that.)
Added about 10 photography books to my collection.
Upgraded my darkroom with a beautiful Durst M605 and some amazing Rodagon and Nikon lenses.
Discovered coffee from Yemen and now I am hooked!
Found and bought some beautiful LP’s from the likes of Edith Piaf and Ella Fitzgerald.
And I was gifted a Koala! Not a real one, but it love it anyway.
I laughed a lot.
Fell a lot less asleep on the couch.
But two day before I have published this blog post I did fall through the basement floor while doing squats…
I am fine btw. Knees were a bit hurt but the more day progressed I felt better and better.
Had more and more articles published and some exhibitions.
Some nice print sales.
Jeej!
Alright one more…
One more story or reflection…
Well… Something like that…
I wrote down all of my fears, sadness, and unresolved emotions on a piece of paper and set fire to it.
It sounds cheesy but it helps.
It’s time to move on and it’s time to put some things to rest. I know I’m ready for the next big step in my life whatever that is. But that only will be achieved if I acknowledge but let go of the past.
A year without adventure…
Maybe 2020 was not filled with beautiful travel stories and amazing suqs filled with smells of herbs and spices or oudh. Or indigenous beautiful humans in a certain part of the world who stuff me with food while they are telling me stories and hugging me.
I miss them all.
Every genuine beautiful single soul…
Luckily I have got Merry Christmas messages from all over the world.
But what 2020 did was, was a year filled with reflection, change, preparation, and release.
And also some anxiety and beer.
Onwards 2021…
I want to conclude 2020 by giving a big thank you to everyone that I love. You have no idea how much you mean to mean to me. You really don’t… I cannot seem to put it into words, but sometimes I do try.
A big thank you also to everyone who has given me a chance this year. I am still growing and evolving as a photographer, and I promise I will not waste any of my upcoming chances.
December 31st, 2020…
By the time this story ends it is December 31st, 2020…
Sipping on my morning coffee…
I got the special one today…
Ready to press publish.
2020 is almost over… Only a short while left…
Days from now on will be getting longer again.
Earth will be eased up a bit in the eternal dance between the sun and the moon.
Onwards to 2021.
You will see more of my work soon…
~ Cristian
P.S. I am totally fine. No worries. :)
It's so good to see you once again...
So good to see you once again
But I wish you would stop hiding
Its so good to you once again
I have missed you so much
I thought you were hiding from me
And you thought that I had run away
But I will be here forever
A test of our communication
Poetry in motion
but every time
making a wrong turn
One day it will be over
Ive missed you so much
Exhibit at the waterfront studios Brooklyn, New York.
Hey all,
Almost a week has passed by now. But last week an photograph of mine was exhibited at the Waterfront Studios in Brooklyn, New York. All made possible by BKC and the seeing collective.
They worked so hard to support artist during the pandemic I am lost for words with how much respect I have for them. They really did a great job.
Unfortunately I could not be there of course because of course. But hey, wat can you do…
Next time after the pandemic…
~ Cristian
Hands of a poet...
Hands of a poet…
What-is-love?
What - is - love?
After our last encounter I became to realize that even dad would fail me to understand. He disappeared again through his portal and nowhere to be found.
No answers, no questions...
Nothing...
Why was it so difficult for one to understand? And why is reality from this life despite being in a different world in my dreams in it's core the same
No one wants it.
It looks like a gift that everyone is afraid to have...
I began to ask myself what makes of it so scary and began to describe it:
"Love, and that makes romantic love or platonic love. Is the courage you need to be vulnerable but with the reassurance not to be hurt. It feels like a white horse on a dark day."
It makes you think...
All everyone wants is to be listened to and understood. Safety when you fall asleep, or when you travel to another dimension. A hug from a from friend or a kiss from your lover so will you the feeling that time stops.
You can put two people in the same room and despite there a ton of similarities there does not have to be love. Maybe just affection.
In that is were the crux lies.
Too many times one is hurt by being vulnerable in a place where there was no magic.
A choice is made...
The horse will be gone...
The moment when the choice has become existing instead of living.
~ Memories of a man once there...
Dear future Cris... A birthday letter... To me...
Dear future Cris…
By the time you will read this probably another 38 years have passed. Or maybe even another 380... Who knows... Times are strange at this current moment when I am writing this to you...
Or even more. One of the strangest birthdays ever…
There is a thing going on named Covid-19. You really hated that period remember..
I am writing you this letter for a couple of reasons… And in the meantime you are listening to some Fleetwood Mac. If you have forgot about them. It is an amazing band… Go put it on.
One of reasons is: Stop doubting yourself…
I know life can be tough sometimes and you have been through a lot but you are a wonderful man. Sometimes someone even calls you super Cris. And that is all you have ever wished for…
I know that doubt is strange and new to you because you have always followed your heart. And you just did things. This will be also your guide for the rest of your upcoming years too. That is your superpower. And your heart is humongous.
So keep it beating proudly.
And although not everyone will understand you. You understood me, and I understand you. So it will be fine. You will be fine…
You are the master of my faith. I am the master of your Soul…
Your father loves you…
At the moment you are writing this letter you have started a project about your father and you are now a couple of months in. At some points that was very confronting but you are mentally just as strong as physically. You are doing a wonderful job and hopefully it will be the gateway to wonderful new opportunities. I am sure when you read this back years in the future you will say it was the perfect way of honoring your father and your grandfathers…
Dare to cry again…
You know this Cris! It is one of your life lessons that you always share with others. That strength lies in daring to be vulnerable.
But sometimes you forget…
There will always be people that leave without saying goodbye…
And you will say; I don’t cry!
I am a grownup now…
But you know this. Whatever challenges lie ahead of you. Or whatever friendship, loved ones, or relationships you will gain or lose. It is part of life…
There is no reason to only let that bluebird in your heart out at night and let it sing when nobody sees it. Let that bird sing like it has never sang before. And it deserves to have an audiance.
Nothing is under control except for your own thoughts…
You are 76 around now and hopefully having your morning coffee with the love of your life.
And if that is your soulmate or that Hasselblad you just gave yourself as a birthday present that doesn’t matter.
Don’t be so hard on yourself…
Marcus Aurelius already wrote about this in meditations. You are nothing more than your own thoughts… And you think that the only way to achieve your dreams is to be your own hardest critic. But there are more ways to do this and you will get there…
Probably you are already there…
And if not…
Just never give up…
Ain’t nothing to it but to do it…
And even more so… What is life, if you don’t dream anymore?
Catch that train of opportunities and sail instead of row…
Speaking about dreams…
I hope you found more insights about those nighttime dreams of yours…
If you ever did find out please let me know!
I want to know why I have Dragon Ball Z hands…
Photograph like you are writing a song or a poem…
Some say that when you get older that you are not as passionate anymore… But knowing you that will never disappear. You have been daydreaming since you were a little kid and creating you own world in your thoughts… So why quit now?
Also one of the insights you had during 2020 was to make your photographs more like a song and a poem in one.
An old man can dance in the living room too. Or listen to Satie or Slayer.
Duane Michals, Trent Parke, Khalil Gibran, or one of your Sufi poets like Rumi…
Hafez…
Jacques Brel and Edith Piaf…
It will be a wonderful, wonderful mess…
A complicated mess.
But it is your mess so it is beautiful…
Time is running out…
Not only in life but also for this letter. But you have learned this lesson at a young age. So you live your life accordingly.
You only have a minute…
With only sixty seconds in it.
Forced upon me, can’t refuse it.
Didn’t seek it, didn’t choose it.
But it’s up to me to use it.
I must suffer if I lose it.
Give account if I abuse it.
Just a tiny little minute,
but eternity is in it…
That is not yours by the way in case you have gotten senile. It is written by: Dr. Benjamin E. Mays.
So…
So happy birthday my main man…
I hope you will have a wonderful day.
And even many many many years from now you will have even a richer heart.
And also a nicer beard…
Happy Birthday Future Cris…
It will all be fine.
And remember… Love yourself a little bit more. Do your squats. Drink your beers and take your photographs.
Cheers buddy!
From your friend in the present and future and everything in between.
Even in another dimension in time and space…
Kind regards,
Cristian Geelen
P.S. If you like my work and my stories but the regular ways to support me like buying my photographs are not a option for you at this moment. You can always support me through a donation with the donation button.
We went to the beach once. Fed the birds...
We went to the beach once. Fed the birds...
Don’t know what happened after. It all went black.
Luckily my thoughts were dark anyway...
Some days it is okay not to be okay. But the next day I want to smile all the bad stuff away...
Exactly one year ago I was preparing a big bag full of 35mm and 120 film and about to hop on the plane to one of my many and I dare say most special adventures. Visiting the beautiful Kayan people in Myanmar.
I always meet special people during all of my travels and this was no exception. And never would have expected that it would also be one of my most special birthdays I have ever had.
Just finished watching the latest update from the Dutch government and the progress the virus is taking. And I have to admit it made me really miss all the friends I have made all over this beautiful world we live in.
I miss my friends of course from Myanmar, and luckily I see plenty of videos that come my way from all the villages. But I also miss my friends from other places like I made in Vietnam or France. The US and also Iran. Germany and also India. Jerusalem and Bethlehem. And everything in between.
For me sometimes, days are tough. For example like this one when the missing of doing what you love is just a little bit more than normal. But luckily I have learned a long time ago that being strong not only physical but also mentally and spiritually also means being vulnerable. And not shying away from that vulnerability.
And luckily I also learned that despite having a tough day today it will also mean that this bearded face will be able to smile again tomorrow. And hopefully smile that stupid corona away.
It’s just something I wanted to say.
A gateway to another dimension...
It is finally happening. I have found a second gateway to the another dimension.! Hopefully this time it will be less intense than the first time... Maybe it will be like riding a bike or something.
Freedom...
And the more you do it the easier it will get...
It will be great to see dad again. And I know I will be be fine. Because he is on the other side...
Publication in Lens Magazine.
Hey everyone,
Well I was talking about another announcement I would make this week. And I am happy to say that my Neshama Sheli project can be seen and read in Lens Magazine.
Sometimes I call it paying the man. Sometimes I quote Invictus. But in the end it just means hard work pays off…
Things like these for me are amazing and you can sure as hell expect that I will drink a beer or to to celebrate.
To know that your work will be in a printed and digital magazine I a crown on all of the hard work. Print of course the most haha.
I will expect that I will be working for another six years on this project. So who knows where it will end up in the end…
Thanks Dafna and Ziv!
You can buy Lens Magazine through PocketMags, Magtzer, and your Amazon Kindle. Physical prints go through MagCloud.
Don’t forget you can support my work by buying me a coffee on my Ko-fi page. Or buying a print of course.
Today is a good day!
~ Cristian
Edge of Humanity Magazine - Souls of Iran.
Hey all,
Quick little update.
Some of my photographs can now be seen in the Edge of Humanity Magazine from my Souls of Iran series.
The article can be found here.
There will be some other news this week too. Stay tuned for that.
~ Cristian
P.S. I you like my work and my stories but the regular ways are not right at this moment for you. You can always support me though my Ko-fi page.
A fistful of fifties and a day without fear...
Rise above…
Henry Rollins was and is punk rock icon. When he was young he was build like a brick. Loud, and would make you question your own thoughts. Loud and fearless. Exactly what the youth needed in the 70’s/80’s.
After every hard and loud show of his punk band Black Flag he would wait outside and was open to a debate to anyone that didn’t agree with his views or lyrics.
That was a welcoming difference instead of the regular fighting and stabbings that would happen on regular occasions. Or the, back than, metal scene. Not all of the debates ended up in hugging and kissing though…
If I am correct he even got close to the end of his life actually a couple of times.
The band became one of the most important bands in modern punk history. And for me personally I listened to Black Flag a lot. Besides my metal music of course.
I will include a photograph in the bottom of the story of me with my own band.
On a later age Henry Rollins started a new band named the Henry Rollins band, started doing stand-up comedy and spoken word (which is also very good go check it out.). And became a not just a punk icon but also a icon by itself. His raw emotions from his lyrics were tuned so he could transform into grown man with a encyclopedia of life experience and the tooling to get his deep thoughts out. Still with a bit of rawness left.
Punk in the shape of a gentle man.
I put a space between those words with a reason…
I lost track of him for a short while…
Life happened. Discovered new music and bands. Learned to appreciate classical music. And by a twist of fate I ran into a episode of Dürch die nacht mit… (During the night with…).
It is a show where they following two persons for the entire night. Sort of like a date. Only different.
You can see the episode here on Vimeo.
This episode was not only with him but also with Iranian artist, Shirin Neshat.
This specific episode embodied for me the ultimate love story. Two artist from other sides of the world. One outspoken and the other introvert. One raw, and the other delicate. A dance between love and fate waiting to finally find balance. Two parts of a soul to frightened to dare if they can become one.
Every part of the story resonated with me. He told about old love and how she died. Love that didn’t work. She told him about love and pain of hers.
He needs to be a little less stubborn though.
At least that is how the episode was in my mind. Beautiful. But probably to good to be true.
The end of the episode came and as far as I know they never ended up together. That is a shame, but that sometimes how life goes… And love stories don’t always end well…
And was it even a love story?
Or was it even real it all?
Maybe that love story and the energy between those two was just a figment of my imagination….
Intangible love.
A man and woman that were so attracted to each other. But couldn’t have each other…
But what is real?
Are you real?
Am I real?
Is reality real?
It is and was a long introduction to the rest of my story. But I don’t believe in short. I am way too much of a drama queen for that. But who says I cannot create a new reality for myself…
The question of what is real and do we even need real I will answer for myself in the project about my father. First couple of months were mostly finding my groove… What medium I wanted to use as in the film type and developer. And a lot of sketching and trying.
Just shooting is what I need to do and finally you will strike something that seems fitting and you write on like that.
If you are familiar with creating music it is the same as just riffing or playing progressions and chords until you find the voice that you need to tell the story.
Sometimes it takes a long times. Sometimes it goes quickly. But the moment you find it, it becomes magical and you know how to go on. That part happened though.
The beauty is. This project also feels like releasing the shackles that I gave myself focusing on documentary work.
Suddenly there were no rules anymore. And all the things that were in my imagination was allowed to be done. Exploration of life. Death. The universe. Metaphors.
Smoke and mirrors. And even text and a portal I could disappear into towards another world.
My world.
The world of that flying snowman I sometimes talk about. Only more dark, gritty, and emotional.
Reflective but not afraid.
Something she mentioned…
Shirin mentioned in that specific episode “you need a closing of the past to move forward”. And that is what I tend to achieve.
Sometimes I will hear no. Or find some truths that hurt. Or it brings out old emotions. In my photographers notebook I write besides my darkroom times for my prints also some poetry. Some will make it in the project. Some are just for my eyes only. But also while writing those it can be very confronting especially when they are about feelings that I have to admit to myself like a mirror but in words… Things I have missed in my childhood for example.
Other notes are just imaginary stories about adventures we are having. Like the project is intended.
So a closing of the past will be done.
But that is good. It is all done from love and that is what you need to heal. But also to able to make something last. But I have written about that already so many times…
A fistful of fifties and a day without fear…
One of the many things that I have learned traveling to a lot of places in the world is that in the end we all long for the same things. And that it doesn’t matter where you come from.
We all long for hope, love, no pain. To have a good life. We all feel hurt sometimes and angry. And filled with joy. But sadness is a big part of it too.
To have the resources to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. Henry Rollins would say “A fistful of fifties and a day without fear!“ We are all the same human.
This weekend I also had a long talk with my grandmother. She wanted to be a participant in my project. And it would be a great moment to take a portrait of her. And when we were talking she confirmed to me all the things I have just mentioned.
Also I asked her what was the happiest day of her life. And she told me it was the day she got married. So she wanted to be in the photograph with Henk, her late husband.
The photograph you can see on my Ko-fi page.
It is not in it’s final form. And the master print still needs to be made. But hey, sharing something every once in a while can’t hurt.
In the end when the whole project is done I hope to have translated everything into visuals and words. And somehow be able to contribute my part in society and maybe help to translate to each other that we don’t differ indeed that much. That I believe is something that is needed in our current climate. More and more polarization is what you see everywhere. That is not good…
To bring this story to an end….
Ironically I have stopped listening to Black Flag for today. It is past 22:00 and I am getting sleepy… So the crushing vocals are now replaced by Edith Piaf.
No worries Henry. I will be listening to you again later this week again.
Have a good night all…
~ Cristian
P.S. I you like my work and my stories but the regular ways are not right at this moment for you. You can always support me though my Ko-fi page.
And below you will find Cris and the first iteration of his band when he was young.
From let to right. Me, Stefan, Leroy, Sander.
Henry Rollins taken by Anton Corbijn. From the book 1-2-3-4.
Support me on Ko-fi...
Hey everyone,
Not a super long update this time. I am melting away because of the heat wave we are currently experiencing in the Netherlands.
In the meantime what I did manage to do between plenty of shooting was to create a Ko-fi page.
A Ko-fi page a place where you can donate some money to buy a cup of coffee. Or in my case, rolls of film.
You can find the page over here…
I did this because I know there are some people that would love to support me, but don’t have the budget to buy a print. Which I can totally understand.
That is it for now. Back to my ice-cream…
~ Cristian
Diary entry during a pandemic once forgotten... The death of my father... And a flying snowman...
The radio is on…
At least that what we have said years and years ago… But it is just regular old Spotify. No LP’s today.
Fairuz is playing. She is a Lebanese singer which I have just discovered this morning. What a beautiful voice she has. It reminded me of more beauty that I know, so I send it to her…
It also reminded me that I needed to write a little bit again. A sort of a update. Or a story. A glimpse of my mind. A question. A observation. Or maybe all of the above… Just look at it as a diary entry…
Unfortunately writing blog posts is not as romantic as writing a journal. And years and years after I have died my journal is the thing most likely to be found. And not my blog.
Does it matter anyway?
Everything matters…
All of it. All the little bits and pieces in between matter. I love writing. And who knows who is reading this and is interested what goes on in the mind of a artist.
I think I am not really made for creating YouTube videos. And if I would ever do that. I think it is way more important to talk about the art and philosophy of photography instead of gear. And that is all what you see nowadays. Anyways, writing seems just more fitting for me.
So here it is. More writing. Are you ready for the copious amount of text?
I sure am…
Writing sometimes takes me days though. And I don’t know how many days it will take me to finish this story. You can guess more than a few…
There once was a pandemic…
If I look outside the world almost looks like normal again but strangely it isn’t… Borders are opening up in Europe which is nice. So will it be finally time for me to take another trip? I hope so… But where will it be… I want to work more on my current projects. Or maybe even start a new one in a place where I have never gone before. Traveling I miss so much! That is no secret… The places where I want to go are outside of Europe. And they are either still in lock-down now. Or not taking any visitors.
Just be patient, Cris. It will be fine…
Although as a individual I am not afraid of the virus. There are still many things to take into account though.
But again… As I look outside…. The world seems normal again…
But it isn’t…
There is still a pandemic going on…
Do we ever learn…
The pandemic did made me realize it was finally time to start a photo essay about my father. But if you want to read more about that… You need to read just a little bit more of this story.
So in a way “I” learned. Finally a project which I really care about back-home. Finally a project back-home that I love.
And like I always say: Love is the one thing one needs to succeed. And it doesn’t matter what it is… If there is no love. It will not succeed.
But when I look around me. And when I observe as what photographers are supposed to do. Unfortunately I see a lack of love.
That sounds dark. But life is dark. Without darkness there cannot be light. But no worries. I will end with some happiness in the end… Well… Sort off…
It is the ying to the yang. Or the, as above to the, so below.
Countless and countless of humans still chose the life in between. Old patterns. Afraid to take chances. And trying to clinch on to the old.
It should have been a teachable moment….
One would think that something as humongous as a global pandemic would made as change the way we are. But saying it like a Dutch man. We hebben geen reet geleerd. (We didn’t learn shit.).
Still always in a hurry…
You can see it by the traffic lights. It is a prime example how to deal with things. Not waiting for the green. Because one thinks that he or she is so special it doesn’t apply to them.
The human ego what constructs that is also responsible for more extreme things. Because it is always looking to bend it a little bit more…
In the end it is responsible of war and famine. Injustice and racism. And even the whole cancel culture which I despise to the core, is a result of it.
Why do we keep hurting ourselves…
So is the human ego to blame for it all? I don’t know… I philosophize about it a lot. And it also seems that patterns are a big part of it.
Patterns. Nature… Nurture…
It is the reason I guess why people keep stuck in relationships that doesn’t give them happiness. Or keep doing their dead-end job. It is safe. It is everything one knows…
And change is scary…
Yes. Even for me…
And even more so. Change hurts…
A lot!
A pandemic should be the catalyst to finally make the changes we need. From a micro level in ones personal life. To a macro level for the entire globe.
There is some change going on as you can see with all the protest because of the death of George Floyd. But will it be enough? I hope so. But you also see that with every movement there are a lot of people being taken advantage of. Or being used as puppets for another agenda. But that is something that has been going on forever and noticed since I have been studying history books.
Let’s just hope it is all enough. But the main thing is one needs to discover nuance. Life I guess is a lot like Ilford Delta 400. Between black and white there are so many different shades of grey…
Life should be like a movie…
I wish everyone the happiness they deserve in their lives. Whatever that means for them. And the hopeless romantic in me, if he had a magic wand. He would give it to everyone around the globe… I would wave with my wand and say: Hope you find your soulmate. Or smoke your cigar on that yacht if that is your thing. Or ride your motorcycle. Or find that special coffee. Or supermarkets without lines. Or your cabana at the beach.
But that is not how it works…
You are responsible for your own happiness. And that takes a lot courage…
Years and years ago. Or maybe even when I was a little kid I decided for myself that my life deserves to be like a movie. I always had a overactive imagination. I love that so much in me. Is that a weird thing to say? But yes, it indeed involved finding the love of my life. Traveling the world. And telling amazing tales…
So would that be the cure for the world? Living your life like in the movies?
A horror movie would not be a good idea though haha. Just make it a nice one…
But will you promise me to take that chance?
Life is too short not to.
Don not fade away…
Cris! Will you finally tell the part about the project of your dad!
Calm down… Calm down…
It is my story… My journal… My movie…
So behind this keyboard. Or with my pen or camera. I make the rules…
A flying snowman…
So here it goes…
I had a conversation with my sister a couple of weeks back. And we came to the conclusion that we have nothing left of our father. The reason of that I will keep that to myself. But it was heartbreaking for me and my sister nonetheless.
So I had a idea when I was taking a shower. And the idea was that this story could be like a movie too! And I knew the perfect one…
Ever since I was little I was fascinated with a short movie of a flying snowman. Literally called “The Snowman“. I linked the name to the Wikipedia page. And here is a link to the clip of the song “Walking in the air“.
I think most of you who are around my age and grew up in my part of the world are familiar with this song. You may not know it by title. But I bet as soon as you hear the first words you will remember it instantly.
It is the story about a little boy who meets a snowman and goes on a amazing adventure in the night. And flies aaaaalllll over the snowy country side… Meets his snowman friends and plenty of more creatures. But when he wakes up the next morning…
His best friend in the world…. Melted…
The most toughest task ahead…
My father died when I was three years old. I do not have many memories of him. I remember his funeral and how his casket disappeared into the ground vividly. But despite not having to many memories, in my imagination he was my best friend in the world.
So I am creating the memories I have never had with him. We go on a adventure and meet also plenty of beautiful creatures.
It is going to be very conceptual so that is totally new for me. And therefore a challenge. But I am sure I will succeed because it is made out of love. Also it is going to be a very emotional project for me. But that is good. Some parts of me still need to heal. And confronting it is the only way.
And of course it couldn’t be anything else then a adventure. I mean, all of my fathers. My father and my grandfathers were all adventurers. And so am I!
It is going to take a while…
When will it be done… I don’t know… Good photographic projects take a while. And nowadays people think a project that takes three months is long… I can tell you, that is not long… Salgado or Peter Beard would not shy away from years and years of work…
In the world of instant gratification the long term photographic essay seems forgotten. But it is the only way to make a piece of art that will last for generations ahead.
So it will be done when it is done. And when that time has come I will share it with the world. Some people close to me may see sketches. But that is it.
Isn’t it exciting to see a project when it is done instead of all the updates or shots on Instagram? The surprise we be bigger that way. It makes you stare longer at a photograph. Otherwise it will be lost in the abyss in a second… Because it is not new anymore…
Art is made to be experienced in real life anyway…
And maybe…. Just maybe….
Life is to be experienced in real life anyway….
A end to a story… For now that is…
I like drama. I like dramatic movies… Or books… Or music…
The whole feeling of melancholy gives a experience of a beautiful suffering.
I will link the Fairuz songs at the bottom of the post plus one bonus. And two photographs.
But how to end…
To keep it full of drama… A while back I finished a book named “The Memory Police“ bu Yoko Ogawa. She is a amazing writer. And if you don’t like spoilers don’t read further… Because this story may sort of end the same way…
Me. Cristian Geelen… Sitting here with his laptop… Camera next to him.
Writing about love and life… A pandemic…
And slowly he disappears…
First his hands… Than his nose…
His arms and legs…
His lips and his eyes followed…
Until there is nothing left but his voice and his camera…
And even that…
Is what the wind took away…
~ Cristian
The song of Fairuz I was talking about.
This one is bonus because I think it is super beautiful too.
Mini me and my awesome doggie name Ricky. He would protect me from all the evil in the world.
Adult me with his trusty Nikon. Able to squat a horse and about to rip his pants again. Waiting until he can go on adventures…
Solidarity protest against anti-black violence in the US and EU. - Haarlem, the Netherlands.
Hey all,
Today it was Haarlems turn to hold a Solidarity protest against anti-black violence in the US and EU.
Needed to safe film so I took my digital camera out today. Did throw a super old manual lens on it though.
So here are the frames. And keep on fighting racism and inequality!
~ Cristian
P.S. If your are a paper or media outlet. Please contact before using.
New prints available.
Hey all,
I already put this message up on Instagram. But if you read it here instead, all kudos to you.
I have put some new prints in my web shop ready to be sold.
All of those prints are made on Fomatone warmtone fiber archival paper and hand printed by the artist. Me.
Blood, sweat, and tears in the darkroom. So this is not CTRL+P work.
Also they are signed and dated.
Shipping can be done worldwide and will be send with tracking.
So if you are interested. You can find the print section here.
Small side-note:
Somehow I find this important to mention…
I know they seem expensive. But actually they are under-priced.
With all the images on the internet and mainly platforms like Instagram, it seems a little bit lost on why a print cost what they cost. And even prints made from digital files take a lot of work.
You have of course not only the craftsmanship where you pay for. People have dedicated a huge portion of their lives on perfecting it. Travel costs. Cost of material. Artists have to pay taxes too. Etc etc etc…
The end resultant is a product that will last multiple lifetimes…
That is it for now…
And hope everyone is safe in this crazy world at the moment.
~ Cristian
My COVID-19 notes... And a heart that broke.
It was Ramadan 2017…
It was Ramadan 2017… Sitting in a taxi to the bus station of the city of Esfahan, Iran…
The taxi driver was an old man. Beautiful aged and had his nice vest on. Big old man belly. And a big old smile to accompany it.
On our way to the bus station his favorite song played on the radio and he was singing along. And wanted to show me his singing skills.
We didn’t speak the same language but understood each other. And it was one of those moments where you realize what traveling is all about.
The feeling of reading a thousand books in one second.
The feeling of answering your soul’s calling.
The feeling of that this moment is worth all the trouble you went through to get there.
I should have taken his portrait…
“I should have taken his portrait…” Is what I was thinking when I got on the bus… Next time… Next magical moment…
Emotions and practicality took overhand because me not speaking Farsi and trying to find the right bus among 50+ buses was quite the task. And like everyone in a strange country and want to go to your next destination, you want to be in the right one. Luckily so many sweet people around, and they guided me towards the right one.
Onward to my next destination, Shiraz…
The place place of the amazing Bagheri family and spaghetti ice cream…
A pandemic happened…
There is no going around it. The entire world is affected. Everything is at a stand still. And for a good reason of course.
When the press conference in the Netherlands at March 12th started, out of the blue a thunderstorm erupted. It was almost a scene of a movie where the thunder signaled the severity of the case and made sure we knew from now on the world would never be the same again.
Waking up…
One of the following mornings I woke up and I looked at my phone. There were a lot of text messages… They made me feel special and blessed. They were from friends from all over the world. Some from India, Iran, Myanmar, Colombia, France, Germany, the US, Jerusalem, the West-Bank…
I started to text them all back of course. And I texted all of the other people that immediately popped into my mind. I just wanted to know they are safe.
They are all okay. Thank god.
When it all lands…
My monkey mind where I always talk and write about was pondering again during the course of the morning…
And at that moment I got sad.
We all know the effects of things like these. And we already know all of the answers. But that moment when the man with the hammer comes and hits you over the head with it always comes to make it land a little bit harder. And there are so much layers to it.
Of course it sucks, for me as a individual that I cannot work on my documentary projects again all over the world. And sucks is an understatement. I worked all my life the come to this point and was not given a dime or didn’t receive any help getting there. I created that life for me, from nothing, and totally on my own, from a life where I had literally nothing.
Nothing was given. Everything was earned.
Seeing all things crumble before your eyes where you worked so hard for because of something that is out of your control just plainly fucking sucks.
But it is not important and totally not part of the point I am trying to make.
As a good stoic you know it is not under control. Will I be able to continue my projects this year? Or next year? I will dust myself off and try again when it is possible and rebuild.
It briefly passed my mind…
The feeling I describe above was actually a fraction of the thoughts I was having. And they went away when I was given a more important thought.
I am so lucky that I live here in the Netherlands. Where everything is efficient and well organized. And so is the COVID-19 response.
But what about all the people that are more vulnerable? Or people that I have met all over the globe that literally live in different worlds? The refugees? The ingenious people? All the others?
That was the moment my heart broke…
A lot of people are defenseless all over the world. I spoke to a friend who works for a aid organisation and she told me that it would be disastrous if the virus would hit the refugee camps.
And that would be the same for a lot of other places.
People are already without food after just a couple of days and weeks into the global lock-down. And a lot of people earn their money with the small business that they have, and feed their families with that money. There are mostly no savings. And what they got is what they have. So if they can’t earn. That means there is no food.
One can’t imagine how it is to go days without food and not knowing when there will be a next opportunity to get your next meal again.
Can’t drive your taxi, no income. Can’t sell your falafel, no income. Can’t sell your slippers, no income.
No income means no food. And you know what happens after that…
It was just one of the many thoughts I was having. And the scenarios were endless…
So many things to think about. And it is easy to get lost into a negative spiral your mind takes you. But it is a reality. Unemployed rates in the US have been about 20+ million. And I don’t know how many business in the Netherlands will survive.
Spain, Iran, and Italy had soaring death rates.
And the list goes on and on…
It really makes me sad. And even strong Dutch guys can shed a tear every once in a while.
So now what…
I don’t know…
I always have plenty of answers for every situation. But this time I haven’t. I wish I had. Things are looking good at this side of the world. Numbers of infection are going down. And luckily all of my friends at all the other sides over the world are safe. I am grateful for that.
And hopefully all the beautiful people I haven’t met yet are safe too.
I want to meet you one day…
It helped to get my mind out of that negative spiral of pondering.
Reflect…
It is a good moment for reflection though. Doesn’t matter who you are. To realize what is important and what isn’t. And maybe to focus to make the world a better place not only now. But also when all of this is over. Strive for happiness, whatever that means to you.
Make new connections with people, or repair them if that one is important to you. Or even break them if they are not healthy for you.
A lighter reflection moment. I never realized how many times I touch my nose during the day…
And also if there isn’t a better time to take photographs of your loved ones or situation (safely and responsible of course) and talk to your everyone that is important to you, it is now.
Let them know how you feel.
And I should really take more photograph in a casual setting too I just realized while uploading some phone photos to add to this post. Not just professional ones. But also the fun ones are important.
As far as photography goes. I am printing a lot more. Gave my darkroom a upgrade. And try to photograph and document they situation as much as possible.
So why am I writing…
Well first of all I am a story teller with traveling engraved in it’s soul. I really miss it… I really do…
But I cannot change it. And maybe I will write a future blog post why it is so important. Makes you learn. And how my grandfathers played a big role in it. They were real life Indiana Jones’s. That is for sure.
Writing is also a way to cope for me. Writing is good. If it is either writing in your journal just for your own, or a blog post.
So yes, right now I am coping. Writing. Venting. And dealing with this.
Like everyone else is doing…
Every story should have a ending…
The end of this write up is reminding me of a beautiful person that I know got upset because the movie Vertigo didn’t give any closure when the movie was over. (I love her for that fact alone.)
How and why Scottie did what he did, and Judy and the bell tower… Pfff… Yeah that was a moment in cinema history…
So for now closure in this story is that it, for me, now, is just documenting this situation. Writing. Venting. And put what my monkey mind is thinking into words or images.
If you have any book suggestions, maybe leave a comment. I am looking for new reading material.
The bigger story is still ongoing…
Be safe…
And everything will be fine in the end. And if it isn’t fine… It isn’t the end…
~ Cristian
When the Bagheri family dropped me off at the bus station when I was leaving Shiraz again.
Having tea on my birthday with Moly and her family.
A two hour talk with Mohammed about life, faith, and everything in between…
F-Stop Magazine: Issue #100 April - May 2020 — Past/Future
Hey all,
Happy to say that some work of my is part of F-Stop Magazine: Issue #100 April - May 2020 — Past/Future.
Super happy about it.
You can check out the latest edition of F-Stop Magazine here:
~ Cristian